Dear Axa,
That is why this board is so important. Unless you have been in the line of fire, unless you were raised by narcissist and married to a narcissist you can't understand. My father, also a N, would say to me at my lowest moments, I just don't get why you took the abuse, I would have done such and such. Yeah dad, if you hadn't allowed me to be abused by my mother and brothers, if you hadn't told me sticks and stones would break my bones...., if you had taught me what real love feels like, real unconditional love, I too never would have taken the abuse. I would have seen the red flags of a narcissist miles away and run. I would have had enough sense of self to never allow another human being to treat me in such horrible ways, I would neverr have questioned myself and my sanity. I wouldn't have spent my childhood trying to be lovable or 20 plus years trying to be good enough to be treated with respect. Healthy parents would have been thrilled to have me as their child, a normal man would have appreciated all I have to offer as a wife.
I think the reason many people have such trouble understanding is that they can't possibly comprehend the wounds we have that allow us to stay and take the abuse in the first place. Abusive people don't get to healthy people, after much therapy I can actually be in the path of abuse, see it for what it is, processes it and not let it bring me down (most of the time). Mechanisms healthy people have for dealing with abuse we have to develope thru therapy and knowledge, are parents programmed us to be receipients of abuse. We are the second half of the abuse puzzle, without people that react and respond to abuse the abuser is rendered powerless...that is why healthy people have trouble comprehending our plight in life. The problem is my parents simply taught me the rhyme, they didn't give me the tools to make words not hurt or the strength and confidence to walk away...that I had to teach myself.
GAP
