'It's just a bad day'

[GAP]

Dear Axa,

It does take two to continue the dance.  One of my children has some of her father's tendencies.  Over Christmas she started "the game" and my son said later, "I can't believe you reacted to her and started try to appease her."  When I read your post I realize I need to be an observer when I'm around her and never participate when she tries to drag me down her slippery slope.  In a strange way my reacting gives her power, just as it gave her father power.

GAP

[Gaining Strength]

Isnt that issue of what we "deserve" really behind why we put up with the N's in our lives?

Thanks CB123.  I have come to realize that this whole issue of what I "deserve" underlies the whole of my struggles with money and making money.  Underneath, deep in a place where it isn't fully conscious and where I can't completely get to it I was trained to understand that I don't deserve much, I don't deserve comfort, I don't deserve friends. 

What a terrible thing for a parent to do to an offspring but then again my grandparents did it to my father.  What a great thing it will be for me to undo all of that for myself.  Thanks for reminding me that I am going to put "DESERVING"  at the top of my list under "Attitude change" which is the top goal for the new year.  Thanks as always - Gaining Strength

[Gaining Strength]

WRITE - I am concerned that you have disappeared from this thread.  Yesterday I felt that the whole topic had been hijacked and it never quite went back.  I am truly interested in continueing your thread. - GS

[Gaining Strength]

oops CB123, I wasn't very thoughtful in the way I posted.  My apologies.  I found your response to be direct to WRITE's response and the conversation that followed quite a natural flow.  But I checked back today because I was interested in what WRITE's response might be. 

My choice of words was poor.  I don't think the topic was "hijacked" but it became diverted. There really is a difference and I was not thoughtful in my post.  I really am sorry. - GS

[pennyplant]

If I remember correctly, WRITE no longer has a computer of her own and can only check in quickly from the library or her ex's place.  It's probably not too worrisome that she is here less--I think it's an access thing for now.

Pennyplant

[Gaining Strength]

Yes that's true Pennyplant.  I was doing a little projecting.  Thanks for the reminder. - GS

[WRITE]

PP is right- I hardly have any computer time, don't worry I will shout out if I need to ask for help, I know y'all care about me as I do you.

Yesterday I had another bad day at work. I think I told you about the lady who has been sabotaging one of my projects, and I was asked to give her some space and just keep things going because she is ill. Well now she's actually gone for her treatment and I went to work feeling positive and ready to get on with the next programme, but I went to put some stuff on her desk and there was mail addressed to me which had been opened and not passed on!

I just don't know what to think any more, is she nuts, malicious, jealous...but I can see clearly now that being nice to her hasn't worked well, and her boss's idea of let's wait and see how she is when she comes out of hospital reads to me like- you do all the work whilst she's off because otherwise the project will fall about then when she comes back she can carry on bullying you and I'll keep makign excuses for her and then you can leave anyway....

Not sure what to do, my instinct is to finish and speak to the director; her immediate boss doesn't want me to do that because she might get fired or in trouble ( they're buddies )

I feel this is important to me to follow through and pay attention because it's where I have got into problems before in relationships as well as work- at what point to you stop giving of yourself and forgiving and harden your heart and disengage.

I prayed last night and it was as clear to me as anything that I need not to be there- the whole organisation is unhealthy and though I have been trying to do a good job it's not the first priority of that organisation. I'm wasting my energy and time trying to be reasonable with an unreasonable person too.

Goodness, typing that made it all much clearer.

Wish I had more computer time  It's hard for me to work through things without writing them.

Last night I did settle down and tell myself 'it's just a bad day', watched The Da Vinci Code. Quite an exciting movie; I couldn't finish the terrible book version.

[GAP]

Dear Write,

I think some of the stuff in the middle of this thread really is related to what you are talking about....when do we trust our gut, recongnize a situation is bad, recognize we are beating our head against a wall and walk away.  When we find ourselves in situations that are impossible why are we second guessing ourselves, churning the situation over and over...how did we allow these things to happen in the first place?  Clearly someone opening your mail is wrong, clearly the relatiionship between your two office co workers is inaapropriate and contributing to alot of problems. 

I have spent to much of my life giving people that don't deserve the benefit of the doubt the benifit of the doubt.  If it smells like a fish and looks like a fish it is a fish....yet when red flags appear I try to explain them away and ignore them.  If it feels like an unhealthy working enviorment for you then it is and unhealthy working enviorment for you.  Sometimes I think I'm drawn to the drama of dealing with difficult situations.   When I find myself in situtuations like you are in I realize that I must assess if there is any hope of it improving.  If there is none, I must do what I can do to protect my sanity, get my part of the job done and start formulating a game plan for moving on. 

Being trained to feel responsible for problems and other people's behavior puts us into the emotional cycle of rehashing all the negative events of the day.  What we need to know is that unless we did something wrong, people's bad behavior is about them and not us.  And even if we did something wrong the reaction should be appropriate for the oversight or else the over reaction is not about us.

Hope you figure out a way to get yourself in a better situation.

GAP

[WRITE]

If it feels like an unhealthy working enviorment for you then it is and unhealthy working enviorment for you.

Being trained to feel responsible for problems and other people's behavior puts us into the emotional cycle of rehashing all the negative events of the day.

These two statements jumped out at me GAP, thank you. That's how I need to think, trust myself, and realise that it's a form of anxiety triggered when I don't.

I want to build up my self-image at a core level if you know what i mean, so things don't shake me and make me feel always somehow wrong- even when I intellectually know I am right.

I think there's no point talking to the buddies- I have to decide whether to take it further and involve the director.
I don't think there's any point in trying to work with the woman, but the other decision is should I just leave and let the project fail. How much is that my responsibility? They aren't supporting me in any way.

I do feel this is a safe way to wrok these things out because nothing can really harm me from it- I'm not emotionally attached to the people who are being unpleasant, and I don't need the position.

But I will not be bullied out of there either.

Thanks CB, I have had to do everything in writing for weeks because the strange woman kept hearing things I wasn't saying or refusing to cooperate. I copy everything to her buddy boss, who I suspect may also be struggling with her job. I only ever have problems with people at work who are insecure about their position, that is a pattern; most people think I am a pain in the backside because I'm so intense but love me anyway because I'm good at what I do and make it fun.

I think I have a problem with the letting go of people though, the writign them off. I was at another job today and one of my colleagues and friends said when asked how she was getting on with a problem employee, 'oh she's just a bitch!' She has tried and now written her off.

I keep comign back to my religious beliefs and thinkign I must love everyone more....I'm very muddled up with all this lately since I've been trying to be a more commited Christian.

Edit out any whining (I always have to do that 

me too. I am terrible for waffling around the point too...

Well I got a bit longer on the computer tonight, I'm staying in with my son because of the ice storm warning.

Think I'll go get another DVD, I have been watching movies a lot and enjoying them, seem to concentrate better than on reading.

My colleague gave me a lovely picture of me and the patient who died last week, I feel much happier now I have something to hold and look at; it's hard working for myself when it's stressful, no where to put the feelings and no one at home to share them with, not even a computer to come tell you guys or the puppy to curl up with.

But what am I goign to say 'it's just a bad day'.

Someone else said you have to get in the moment and tell yourself 'it's okay NOW' as in this minute, rather than being fearful about the future and always feeling like this; thanks whoever said that, and for all your advice and support.

Love
~W

[Gaining Strength]

I want to build up my self-image at a core level if you know what i mean, so things don't shake me and make me feel always somehow wrong- even when I intellectually know I am right.

I think you are building yourself up.  Compare your experience here with other times.  You ran into this woman, made an effort, realized your effort won't effect her and have decided she needs to be avoided as much as possible.  That is remarkably good effort in short order.  You didn't get enmeshed.  You are definitely approaching the point where it doesn't sting - that's the next level.  You are on your way there.

I think I have a problem with the letting go of people though, the writign them off. I was at another job today and one of my colleagues and friends said when asked how she was getting on with a problem employee, 'oh she's just a bitch!' She has tried and now written her off.

I keep comign back to my religious beliefs and thinkign I must love everyone more....I'm very muddled up with all this lately since I've been trying to be a more commited Christian.

I am working hard to "love everyone more" as well but I try to imagine how Christ does that with me or anyone else.  I imagine him watching me make mistakes and feeling sorrow without trying to change me, waiting for me to turn again to him.  That's my model of loving those who don't receive my love.  You can "love" her with sorrow over her misdirected heart and objectionable actions without needing to stand in her dangerous path.   - That's the approach I have been working towards but I confess I have had to go back to square one with my mother.  As the hackles go up on my spine I tell myself to respond with love.  Right now it's just words but I am practising. - GS

[GAP]

I think we all need to remember Christ teaching "Love your neighbor as you love yourself."  If your neighbor that you loved was being treated the way we have been treated by the "N"s in our lives what would we do.  If we witnessed the abuse we would stand up for them, if they told of us their troubles we would console them and advise them to get out of harms way, we would not advise them to try and love their abusers more or continue the suffering by spending time with people that are causing trauma in their life.  This does not mean we wish bad tthings to happen to difficult people in our lives it just means in order to love ourselves we must keep ourselves away from people and situations that hurt us, just as we would do for our children, neighbors and friends.  In order to love others we must love and respect ourselves and make sure we are treated as well as we treat others; to allow an inbalance in respect is not being true to yourself. 

[gratitude28]

write,
I didn't read through all the replies, so I hope I am not just repeating what someone else has said... For me, when I can't justify my feelings with what is actually going on around me, it is often PMS. I feel like it is the end of the world for a few days and everything is soooo hard to deal with and sort out... Not sure if this is true for you at all.
Love, Beth

[GAP]

Dear CB,

Brilliant insight! 

GAP

[Gaining Strength]

You know, this is an area that I feel almost bruised in.  I suspect that some of my sense that I had no choices came from some dysfunctional religious systems that I was part of.  I am still working through that, and I may be a long time coming to grips with it.  I sure dont want to open a big can of worms on the board, but I think there is a particularly deadly impact that a religious system has when operated by N's.

I have been cognizant of that, picking up hints from your posts.  Those experiences can be so very damaging.

I have had to realize is that love doesnt always look soft and comforting.

I agree and like the way you have phrased it.

So, the way I look at it, the whole idea of love, even the kind taught in Christianity, is pretty complicated.

Yes it is.  I knew that when I wrote my post but this straight forward sentence of yours says so much more that what I tried to get across.  Well said CB.

I am really processing those videos that Izzy posted and in part thinking of "love" as running towards life.  For so long I have protected myself from life.  It is difficult to change directions even though that is my fervent desire.  That has everything to do with the core dichotomy of love being the opposite of fear.  Love is so much larger than that cuddly human expression.

[Hopalong]

Hi CB
Your post brought up a rough memory. My D's father, now deceased, was an active alcoholic during our marriage, and though he stopped drinking many years later (in his next marriage), he stayed in denial (never went to therapy for it, or AA).

I had one very tough memory early in our marriage. We were visiting close friends and he drank so much one evening out that he pitched forward on the table right in the path of a candle. I was sitting beside him feeling acutely miserable, angry and desperately worried about his drinking. As his head came down, I chose not to move, actually wishing that he'd have his hair catch on fire (or a bit of it), so he'd finally take it seriously and recognize he had a problem. Meanwhile, our friend reached forward and stopped him and she yelled at me...HOPS!  in a scandalized tone, making it clear that she felt it was my responsibility to stop his fall.

Years later after his death (from liver failure, but it was related to hepatitis he picked up in Africa...still I always wondered if without those two decades of drinking his liver might've been strong enough to survive the virus, as someone he'd passed it to had done)... anyway years, later, his friend said to me, I sure wish I had never stopped him that night.

I sort of think this post is off the point, but anyway...

love,
Hops