Using the dead

[axa]

Hi all,

Have stopped smoking for three days now and doing ok.  I was aware that smoking was keeping down many feeling and boy are they coming up for me today.

GS wrote about her husbands grave and it has just set me off.  XN used my beautiful dead daughter as some extention of himself also.  Like he was the loving one, weeding her grave.  He talked about her as if he knew her.  He never met her.  He knew her through me and.................  will come back to this later, need to go and scream at how angry I am that he used my beautiful girl.


axa

[Sela]

Hiya Axa:

Just wanted to give you a (((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))) and cheer you on in your quest to quit smoking.  I smoked for almost 30 years and have finally quit (almost 3 years now).  It's not easy but you will feel so much healthier for it.  Drink lots of water to help flush the toxins out of your body.   Focus on how badly you want to quit!  And keep trying until you succeed!

Re what your X did re your daughter:  Pretty typical eh?  One thing I've come to the conclusion of:

N's are users.

They use people.
They use every slight opportunity to their advantage.
They use tricks and manipulation.
They use other people's weaknesses against them.
They use every inch to take a mile.
They use without every repaying or ever intending to repay.
They use soley to meet their own needs without regard to the harm they cause.
They use because they won't give and worse.....don't have a clue about how good it feels to give nor do they see any use in giving.
They use and don't feel good for long.  They only feel the need to use more.

I'm sure there is lot's more to add to that list. 

The good news is.....you share.....and are a giver.     You aren't like him and he can't get what you have.
He can only try to look like you..... try to look better than you (and eventually.....he will trip up and become totally transparent.....totally exposed for what he truly is....not like you at all.....instead...a taker....a user).  You don't have to use and he....wants that but can't get it.  Never will.  You don't need to use.  Bless you.  Poor him.

Sela

[Hopalong]

Axa,
I'm so sorry. I can imagine.

He did not know her.
He has no right to speak to you about her. (Hopefully, you'll never be listening to his prattle again anyway, or applauding his performances.)

YOU knew her. YOU loved her.
He's "copying" because he is N and has no love of his own.

His weak acting does not touch her, does not soil her memory. A memory can't be soiled, anyway.
She is your precious memory. Safe and untouched in your love, and in your heart. Don't worry about all that...it will gross you out when you think of it for a while, but eventually even that won't get a rise out of you.

You'll be healed, moving forward, carrying her like a strength in your heart. Your life will still be full. And rich, and meaningful. You will know it is all right to be happy. It's good. (That's what she'd want.)

I used to be fooled by the Nexbfsob  -- he was an enthusiastic weeper. Buckets of tears.

After a year, during the breakup conversation, I cried just once and he immediately cried louder. For once I stopped him and said with some heat, Can't I have a turn?

He looked amazed, then irritated, and his tears were turned off like a faucet.

Uggghhh.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

So very strange Axa, that he would get caught up in such an odd scharade.  I am so very glad that you are exercising his shananigans from your heart.  She was yours and never his and his odd behavior, whatever he thought he gained by it, is just about him.  It penetrated your heart but it did not taint you or your daughter's memory.

About your smoking, I've quit.  It really can be done.  I posted yesterday about an article I read that encourages the use of the following affirmations while changing habits, "I choose I am a nonsmoker with ease, peace, health and abundance."  I am proud of you for getting started on that path.  If you slip off you can just "choose" to get back on.  I'm so glad to see you moving on your way. - GS

[axa]

`Thanks guys,

I feel so angry and hurt, weeping again that that tramp tried to claim some relationship with my daughter. God could he turn on the tears.  On her anniversary my friends, XN and I went to her grave.  They read poetry and said some words for her and brought her flowers.  XN would have got an academy award for the weeping, like he was some kind of softie, my friends thought is was weird at the time and said so.  We were there for my girl and he was getting the bloody attention.  Of course it makes sense.  RAGING that I even allowed him mention her name.  I feel so contanimated by him.


axa

[Hopalong]

Axa,
And if he ever mentioned it again you would say to him In A Voice Not To Be Discussed Further:

NO, I prefer you do not mention her, this is private. (click, door slam, etc.)

I hope by that time next year he wouldn't dream of bothering you.

You are not contaminated. You are cleansing. Sometimes they look the same, but clean is coming.

hugs,
Hops

[seastorm]

(((((((((Axa)))))))))))))

This agony is your heart opening.

I am so happy for you that you are choosing life by quitting smoking. Now the reason for smoking is set free. Your anger is coming up.

Your daughter's memory is helping you through this. To see him more clearly, you picture her. If you cannot be your own champion, she is your champion now. This is so blessed and beautiful.

 I have a daughter who is strong and glorious and has self esteem. She raised me up and helped me to see that N was destroying me. My heart goes out to you Axa. I would like to yell at your N to leave you in peace and never, never let him mention your daughter's name again. Nothing was sacred to him.

Keep writing Axa. Share your pain. I know that I care very much.

Sea storm

[Dazed1]

Hi Axa,

I think your N co-opted your dear daughter for 2 reasons:

First, maybe in his covoluted, twisted, contorted and confused thinking, he believes he has some kind of relationship with your darling daughter.  He sees your love for her and so he claims that love for himself because he knows he does not have the relationship and deep feelings you have.

Second, I have found that when Ns want to hurt you, they will use any ammunition they can.  They will use your most painful, shameful  and embarrasing memories to hurt you.  For this reason, I learned early on to TRY to NEVER share my painful, embarrasing and shameful events with an N because there will come a time when the N will shove it in your face just to hurt you.

Axa, to hell with the N.  Don't let him hurt you anymore.  He's pathetic.

love,
dazed

[axa]

Hi and Thanks,

I do think what I have been going through over the past days is like PTSD.  I feel like I have been contaminated AGAIN.  Part of me was so excited to have my life back but the virus keeps popping up in me.  I know some of these terms I use may sound dramatic but that is what it feels like.

I am grateful that my daughter never met him.  His lack of empathy to my loss used to do my head in.  He has a daughter similiar age to my girl and when I would say to him How would you feel if T... died.  His response to that was "Its like you are punishing me for having a living child"  NO DUH I was trying to get him to imagine some of my feelings.............. but then pigs don't fly do they?


axa

[GAP]

Empathy....impossible for a narcissist.  So sorry you lost your daughter, can't imagine what life would be like without one of my children.

I applaude your quitting smoking.  I always think of my quitting smoking as the beginning of my journey to health, mentally and physically.  I used quitting smoking as an excuse for seeing a psychiatrist (irish, catholic...we don't need therapy)....  I took Wellbutrin for about 6 months, it made quitting easy but more importantly, I began to tell my story and get the support I needed to get healthy.  It has been 6 years and I feel fantastic...hang in there, seek help if you need it...quitting smoking is the best gift you can give yourself.

[spyralle]

Congratulations for giving up smoking Axa.  It can't be easy..  Remember an N is a xerox....  They look at you and copy the parts that will get them the most attention....  They want that....  How dare you have that terrible trauma and exclude him...  He wouldn't be thinking of how this would impact on you just how it would impact on him.....

I know that violated feeling.  It's like someone came and stole intimate stuff from you while you were right there, but he didn't take it not really.  You still have it..  All those precious memories are yours.  All that love you have for your beautiful daughter is yours.  He couldn't even get close to feeling like that...  so all the hystrionics in the world will never give him anywhere near what you can experience every day..

Spyralle xxxxxx

[axa]

Thanks guys,

so good to be heard.  I want to start all of my posts this way.

About the Irish Catholic stuff.....  me too and I DO NEED THERAPY.  Feel close to my girl these days which is nice.  Had dreams again last night.  I gave birth to a baby girl.  Feel this is extremely symbolic around my own release from prison with the N.

About the smoking, doing well,  Lots of walking and activity, great energy but a lot of stuff coming up that I had been keeping down.  Flashbacks still.  I find myself saying Did I really stay in that crazy mess not with judgement but with shock like it was happening to someone else.

xxx

axa

[seastorm]

Oh Axa,

My heart goes out to you. I understand what you are going through and the way our minds are trying to order the chaotic and destructive experiece of living with and loving an N.

How wonderful that you daughter is close to you now.

I am leaning so much from you. Thank you for your openness and your willingness to embrace grief and loss and heal.

Love
Sea Strom

[Sela]

....I would say to him How would you feel if T... died.  His response to that was "Its like you are punishing me for having a living child"  NO DUH I was trying to get him to imagine some of my feelings.............. but then pigs don't fly do they?

Oh Ya, I forgot:

They use your every word against you.

 

About the smoking, doing well,  Lots of walking and activity, great energy but a lot of stuff coming up that I had been keeping down.

Wonderful!!  The toxins are coming out!!  Purge baby purge!!

  Sela