It happens to men too.....

[chris]

Hi Sunny D,
Please clarify what you mean by "where is Chris?".

It is funny each time I feel I am getting stronger and on top of things the XN sends me an email about things she wants... and she manages to pull me right down again...

It is amazing how with time and perspective I see that she has absolutely zero empathy.
What is even scarier is how I put up, even loved to be with her for so long.
I was totally enchanted by this person, unbelievable.

Regards to all,
Chris

[isittoolate]

hi chris

................just my 2¢ worth, but I don't see any mention of lawyers yet?  Anyway....

......the XN sends me an email about things she wants ---- and this brings you down...... so don't read her mail, just dump it.

What does she want? Things? $$$? Food?  --let the lawyers look after it. The sooner there is NO Contact in effect the sooner you will be on a steadier path of feeling stronger, without the "drags backward".

All the best

Izzy

[Hopalong]

Yup, Chris, I ditto Izzy.

Block Sender.

This is a first powerful step.

Hopalong

[seastorm]

Hi Chris

Do not communicate with your X. You need to hea for awhile. A month would be a good start. Rmember she is a master at manipulation and she can pull those strings if you let her.
I agree with Hopalang.

Sea Storm

[Bones]

Hi All,
 I am struck by how common it is for narcissists to be men, or perhaps it is just easier for ladies to open up about their experience?

However in my case (as a man) I have found out to my horror and disbelief that my wife (soon to be ex)of 4 years meets and exceeds all the criteria for NPD very well. She has always been such an acheiver

It has taken me nearly four months (with her in a different country) for me to slowly remove the spell or enchantment she has woven over me. I had to find out the truth the hard way, and it was not pleasant at all. In the end I confronted her about her behavior (on the phone) and as per normal her lies and denials were incredible, despite all the concrete evidence I had.

I fail to understand why she kept me around for so long, while she had other relationships and even worse how I managed to delude myself into believing everything she told me. I like to consider myself reasonably intelligent, however this entire sordid and disgusting story has made me question my intelligence and sanity at times.

In the end I realize how terribly she treated me, and even now on a daily basis I realize more and more of the things she has done to me in the past.

I guess the point is that I want the ladies out there to know that it happens to men too, and we definitely do suffer as well.
I have gone through the worst few months and years of my life thanks to this person, and it will take me a long time to truly recover and find myself once more.

All the best,
Chris

Hi, Chris!

Yes, women can be N's as well!  I wonder how many here have grown up with Nmothers?  I'm still grappling with the aftermath of what my Nmother has done to both me and my Nbrother.  Looking back at pictures of me and my Nbrother made me realize that he didn't start out as an N.  Our Nmother carefully trained him to become a mindless, brainless, extension of her!  I became the "Family Scapegoat" because I refused to conform to be her mindless N Supply.  Memories are still coming up that are upsetting and I'm still working through them.  If there's hope for me, then there's hope for you too.

Bones

[ANewSheriff]

Chris,

First of all let me say that I am so very glad you have found your way here.  I was never much for chat rooms or online communications, but I found a lot of strength and support here when I first "came to".  In my case it was a mother.  I so feel for you and can so relate to your post. 

It takes some time to re-program after unknowingly being exposed to the mind games played by these often charismatic and charming individuals.  I hope you have a decent 3-D support  system.  Even having one person who has experienced a relationship like this can be a very cathartic thing.  What I have found and what I have seen echoed here is that one of the biggest frustrations we face as individuals who have been "had" (I hate the word victim) is that we don't feel like people ever really quite get how destructive these N's are.  Here, everybody gets it!   

Hope you hang around for awhile.

ANS 

[GAP]

the biggest frustrations we face as individuals who have been "had" (I hate the word victim) is that we don't feel like people ever really quite get how destructive these N's are.  Here, everybody gets it!   

I couldn't have said it better.  This is rather sad to say but it is nice to have found other people that are healing from the wounds of living with a Nacissist, no one else can believe or comprehend the horrors we lived with on a daily basis.

[mudpuppy]

Hi GAP and ANewSheriff,

I think one of the problems we have in getting others to understand is that individually the things they do are not that horrific or destructive (usually anyway, but definitely not always). They are often subtle and insidious, and when they aren't they are usually very careful to make sure they have no witnesses or leave any evidence behind. For we that have lived through it, the totality is quite destructive and full of horror, but conveying those years of miserable abuse through a few minutes or even hours of talk is almost impossible. We end up sounding petty and whiny, even though as far as I'm concerned most of them ought to be in jail. I think they know precisely how subtle to be to apply maximum abuse but still be able to throw up their hands and look around saying "who me?" when we object.
They're bullies but they bully our spirit so there are no visible marks.

mud

[chris]

Hi mudpuppy,
Wow, you put that very well. It is exactly as you said it. Subtle , insidious and no witnesses! However the impact is so destructive and damaging.

The only way I manage to put it past me and not try to get revenge or hit back is to just realize that I believe life or karma will give her what she deserves. I believe life is much smarter, much more patient than I am and she will be getting her just rewards when life deems it to be the most appropriate time and manner.
In addition I do believe that if I did hit back it would be seen by her as me just wanting attention and it would be in some way pleasurable for her to know I feel so much pain or anger.

Apart from that I read a lovely quote about revenge, which is "the best revenge is living well", and that is exactly what I am working on.

All the best,
Chris

[ANewSheriff]

Mud (hello again, btw), Chris and GAP,

mud:

I think one of the problems we have in getting others to understand is that individually the things they do are not that horrific or destructive (usually anyway, but definitely not always). They are often subtle and insidious, and when they aren't they are usually very careful to make sure they have no witnesses or leave any evidence behind.

This is EXACTLY my point.  People tend to rationalize and make excuses for these individual incidents.

mud: 

For we that have lived through it, the totality is quite destructive and full of horror, but conveying those years of miserable abuse through a few minutes or even hours of talk is almost impossible. We end up sounding petty and whiny, even though as far as I'm concerned most of them ought to be in jail.

Yes, then that derned ol' cycle of beating ourselves up - "I shouldn't have said anything.  I am such an idiot.  They will never understand.  When will I learn?"   

Chris: 

Apart from that I read a lovely quote about revenge, which is "the best revenge is living well", and that is exactly what I am working on.

Agreed, Chris.  I also have been exploring more and more about intention and how we attract some energies.  Truthfully, although the journey has been tremendously painful I feel that I am better for it.  I learned that it was not all about these "villains", but that it had a lot to do with my core beliefs about myself.  I like to call that kind of self-actualization "The Big Icky" because it is so icky and intensely painful for so long.  Here we have fellow travelers, however, so we do not have to go it alone.

ANewSheriff