Philski asked: What are the effects of growing up with a N?

[Anastasia]

Did I miss something?  I read his question and it seemed to get off on a tangent about another subject.
Myself, I think this is a very important topic or am I alone with Philski on this one?
I could write a Doctoral thesis on what living with an N did to me, since I have given years to thinking about it.  But, myself, I would like to hear others thoughts like Philski, obviously, did.
Hoping I am not out of line here rewriting the question, but the subject was not explored really after he asked it (to me, anyway).
Anyone?

[Anonymous]

Hi Anastasia, I'm sure Philski is just as interested in what you've got to say too on the topic. I know I would be. Foe me, the effects were poor self-image, voicelessness, inability to recognise when our rights are being violated, inability to make good healthy judgements about people, overly suspicious, bacome harsh and critical and read ulterior motives often sometimes wrongly, because we have been abused so much etc etc etc. There, now your turn.

Guest.

[Philski44]

I certainly can identify with guest.  The thread did go off on a little tangent.  I think with me boundary issues have been severely affected as a result of growing up with an N parent.  I'm amazed at some new behaviors that are happening as a result of this awareness that my father is a classic.  
He wants to come out to ski for the third time this winter.  This as a result of my two brothers coming to visit for the first time in the 20 years I've been out west.  I would much prefer just to enjoy my time with my two brothers without the influence of a father that would have the entire event revolve around him.  I communicated this to one of my brothers despite some disapproval about that position.  It would serve nothing to confront my father about any of this.  I can still love and accept him, yet still take care of myself appropriately.  
I still have alot of learning to do about this condition and how I have been affected by it over the course of my life.  I do notice a sense of empowerment at making healthier choices in my life.  People seem to be treating me with more respect to boot.  
Yes, I am very currious if we as ACON's share the same symptoms from having been exposed to a caretaker as a child that has this disorder.  My guess is that we do.
Peace
 

[Anonymous]

Hi Philski,

To me growing up with unhealthy parenting makes us completely emotionally color-blind. We see everything in varying shades of the same grey. I call them shades of grey, it's my on personal philosophy, they are things like, no or little self-worth, deep feelings of anxiety, taking on guilt, taking on blame, living in fear, strong competitiveness or complete rejection of competing and developing an overcompensatory fix-it mentality. Also, we also seem to project these into and onto our teen and adult relationships as well. Such as we become extremely sensitive to criticism, think people will betray us, become overly suspicious of people's motives, fear the worst outcomes, and feel rejection very easily.

The experience of lack of healthy nurturing and care casts an incorrect hue of this 'grey' over the entire landscape of our life's experiences and interactions and relationships. Consequently, we trust those who we should not trust, and often we reject those who would be good for us. Light become darker and dark becomes lighter. We live and walk through a world of distorted reality.

The upside comes sooner than later hopefully, and thank goodness there is an upside. We can change our lives, we do everday anyway, whether we want to or not. Either passionately and deliberately or by acts of ommision.

This for me has meant major 'I' surgery. I needed to change. I needed to learn new values. I needed to learn to set boundaries for myself. I needed to learn to trust and learn to recognise the difference between meaningful and dangerous or taxing relationships. I needed to remember to practice self-talk when anxiety came and go through the motions to return to peace. Thankfully, because of sweet people I was also exposed to as a child I was able to learn what real love is, I had that imparted to me at an early age and I remember it's warmth. They also gave me the love of art and reading and writing. I have many very close friends who I love and who love me who go back a very long way with me. But I needed to learn how to say 'no'. This was a hard one. To learn to see the world not from my 'conditioned' viewpoint, me the responsible, me the fixer, me the one who's to blame, this self-perception imposed on me from critical towering brutes who didn't want me to have one original thought or opinion. I've needed to learn ways to view the world and people from a healthy perspective. Yuk, I hate off the shelf cliches, but 'inch by inch, it's a cinch.'

I needed to learn who I was, and what I wanted from life and love. It's my personal journey that I embrace with both arms. I want it to be my legacy to my children.

That's been my experience and the effects of growing up with N's

Guest