Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
On being consistent
rosencrantz:
Guest said : I am definitely more open as guest when I don't have to construct a consistent identity- so much has happened in the last year I know I am often inconsistent and going back and forth. I'm still adapting.
I'm just interested what I have to learn ( or contribute ) at this stage.
This post stopped me in my tracks - I was both puzzled and enlightened.
I don't expect to be consistent. It's not the human condition to be consistent. Although I suppose it's through highlighting our inconsistencies that we grow - ?
I think Ns feel particularly threatened if an inconsistency is pointed out. (Busy changing the goalposts)
Pointing out inconsistencies in Ns maybe helps us survive! (Resolves confusion)
I'm different in different circumstances and with different people. Is that being inconsistent?
Having established a persona as 'Rosencrantz', it was difficult on my ego to see R attacked and yet I had a really important experience which I would never have had the ego-strength to 'own' as 'myself'. I could do it now, but not then. It was the personal anonymity which allowed me to work through what had happened; but it was the investment in a name which made it an effective encounter.
So our online identity can feel as 'real' and 'at risk' as our own personal one. And so having a name is an important part of the healing process - it's investing oneself in something without the actual risk. We are not our persona.
it was sometimes difficult or risky to reveal all the different sides to 'me' but as time has gone on all those 'bits' have become integrated here. No-one challenges me for not taking a consistent role - sometimes helper, sometimes in need of help, sometimes shouting 'look at me', sometimes hiding away, sometimes vulnerable, sometimes 'tough', sometimes 'knowing', sometimes 'searching', sometimes 'winning' the ACON battle, sometimes licking my wounds. It's even nice to be ignored sometimes and to know that I am really and truly not that important!
Guest, I suppose that I really just wanted to say that you don't have to construct an identity, consistent or otherwise, not in life or anywhere else. You 'have' an identity. It's just 'which bits' of it you decide to reveal which make up 'who you are' in the eyes of people who see you.
You can be ALL the things you are and ultimately feel much safer. People like well-rounded human beings with a few warts. :wink:
Just Sunday morning thoughts - directed at the concepts of 'consistency' and 'identity' rather than 'guest'.
R
Anonymous:
I really just wanted to say that you don't have to construct an identity, consistent or otherwise, not in life or anywhere else
I think everyone constructs their identity to some extent; we behave subtly differently with different people, responding to their cues and feedback.
Personally I think that is what gives us our 'safety' in social situations, being attuned to what other people are expecting from us and backing off if its not in sync. with our own ideas.
For people who have been involved with narcissists I think its extra important, because we have gotten into the habit of self-sacrifice, of regularly giving away our 'power' and of ignoring what we want for ourselves.
Anastasia:
Now I "get it": people post as "guest" as they expect rejection, criticism and harshness from this board. Talk about having no faith and trust in others. Who--but we who know the narcissists first hand--is more in touch with the hurt and cruelty of them than us? I think most of us really have a sincere interest in helping and caring about our fellow sufferers.
What if you--as "guest" writer on this board--chose a name and wrote of your situation and received alot of feedback loaded with ideas and comfort and positive reinforcement? Is that--or is that not--what you ideally want here?
Sometimes you just have to take a chance in life, and, my opinion only, you need to risk some in order to grow.
Then again, I realize that some would rather stay in their "comfort zone" of anonymity than take any chances. And stuck you shall stay in, most likely.
Those of you who will use a "name" here are more ready, in my opinion, to begin to really work on the issues. Just a guess, but I still think a good guess.
rosencrantz:
Oh Guest (Guest who replied to my post)
I think everyone constructs their identity to some extent; we behave subtly differently with different people, responding to their cues and feedback.
Yes...and no!
Such pain, such fear is expressed in your post. (((Guest))) (I think that's how you write a hug). What you describe is where the ACON starts from, that's what an ACON becomes in response to an N.
You may need a persona for work; you may decide you need one down the tennis club. But for the rest, you find the friends and the circles of acquaintances that fit with YOU. A life backing off is not the finishing point.
Yes, there is risk of rejection. I think ACONs (forgive the shorthand - it doesn't express subtleties) have terrible fear of rejection because rejection seems to mean that our whole edifice will come tumbling down and prove that our Nparents were right about us. (They weren't!)
So, yes, you need to protect yourself until you are strong enough little by little to share who you are without fear of getting squished. But sometimes we ACONs are our worst enemies. We test in the wrong ways and just prove to ourselves that we were right all along!!! Wildflower's mum (hope you don't mind me bringing her into this thread Wildflower) is a good example and in my darkest hours, thankfully years ago, I've seen my own fear create hopeless situations, too.
R
Anonymous:
A life backing off is not the finishing point.
that's EXACTLY right.
But I'm not at the finishing point, I am mid-way changing a lifelong pattern of behaviour.
What if you--as "guest" writer on this board--chose a name and wrote of your situation and received alot of feedback loaded with ideas and comfort and positive reinforcement? Is that--or is that not--what you ideally want here?
What difference would a name make to positive feedback? Some of the names are revealing I suppose, but this is a support group, an artificial environment to aid recovery, its not my real life.
I come here to a place where there is a gap in my life, because others who have not experienced narcissism and pd don't get it, and people here do.
I set my own boundaries in life now- and you cross them by telling me who you think I am and that I am stuck or not working on issues, things you can't possibly know.
It is for me to make my own choices, and to find my own way in recovery and growth- and definitely for me to define me for myself!
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
Go to full version