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How I feel on a bad day.

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rosencrantz:
Rob - According to some writers, we are all surrounded by an energy field which some say is linked to our spiritual life.  It's what makes Kineseology work and energy healing possible. (Power and Force by psychiatrist David Hawkins is a good introduction - http://www.veritaspub.com/).

Yes, I think we experience them as evil - and I have wondered if all the literature on evil and demons and possession actually comes originally as a primitive understanding of this kind of personality disorder...

But I honestly don't believe that they are less human than any of the rest of us.  Just with more pain and a much lower pain threshold.  Is a scorpion evil for protecting itself - or a wasp or a bear???  I know they don't have the same kind of consciousness but maybe they haven't either!!!

I honestly believe these N people are hurting just as much as we are.  But they have no ability to come out of their own personal hell.  We can choose to leave - they can't!!

The pit of shame is mega huge for me and when I come close to it, it prevents me seeing the world, being in the world, relating to the world.  I believe that their pit of shame is set off at every moment of every day in every experience that brings them in connection with the outside world.

And they flail around to control the world so that it won't gobble them up and hurl them into the pit of shame, never to be seen again. And shame is very close to rage (I think).

That's why your mother has said those things - of course the family 'went to hell' when your wife came into it : it became hell for your mother because your wife TELLS THE TRUTH - and gets in the way of you being your mother's garbage can!! (It's a compliment LOL)

Rob, don't let them tie you up in knots!  Indifference has to be our mantra.  Indifference and maybe a little arrogant contempt - not fear or loathing (that keeps alive the ties that bind you!).  Like my mother used to say about spiders, they are much more frightened of you than you are of them!!!

Your mother doesn't do the yelling to embarrass you - she does it to make herself look better than you.  Try doing this instead! : :roll: See, I bet you don't feel embarrassed any more!!!

I had to talk to a variety of people today that my mother had got entangled in her latest drama (pensions, taxes, that kind of thing).  There was no need for any of it - but I got things like - "She's not happy with you".   It was fascinating to watch it all - I have no idea how I managed not end up in a tangled guilt-ridden mass feeding everyone else's need to dump my mother's 'garbage' on me (It's all of you being there, that's what it is!!!).  I was more calm than I've ever been, smoothed things over, didn't panic or put blocks in the way - and everyone became totally helpful sweethearts.

What I SAID was "Oh, that's nothing new" "She was probably in a tizz again" "Don't worry about it - it happens"!!!  No guilt, no shame.  There's probably another rake lying in the grass for me round the corner but for the moment I'm having a good day.

Not that this means I am ready to give her a chance to tangle ME up again.  I'm keeping 'schtum'.

Thanks for letting me share and speak (and speak and speak!) and find a voice through writing. :)

Nic:
Hi all!
Thank you so much for your comments.  I feel so strange *laughing* for what i'm about to say.  It's comforting to know I'm surrounded by people whose parents were as crazy as mine!*hahahahahahahaha!* *really laughing* I've never said that to any body of people before! *laughing hysterically*.  If we were having a soiree at a grand hotel, on arrival we'd ask for the Mad hatters tea party suite please!*hahahahahahahaha*
Oi! I needed that.  And you know, I've always managed to laugh through all this crap!  Lord, may I never lose my sense of humour! Thanks for thatparticular defense mechanism! Denial is not a river in Egypt! hmmm.
Rosencrantz, absolutely! You are absolutely correct. That iswhat being around my parents does to me.  The child in me is afraid..no no..wait a minute..I am afraid ( that's better) to risk it completely.  I'm afraid to "call their bluff", not completely though but partially. Yes I have alot of money to lose as well, but I much prefer peace of mind.  Thanks for sharing that with me...money...may I enjoy it one day.  But i'm getting better at being indifferent to them.  My wife is and has always been totally indifferent to them.  Sure she minds the inconvenience of having to pay for lawyers and going to court but she absolutely doesn't give a you know what about them.  I admire her for that! Of course they absolutely hate her for that!  I will endeavour to be indifferent knowing that it drives Ns totally batso!
Rob, I tell ya we could be brothers.  Until my parents came out, that is until they openly hated my wife, both her and I had to listen to them criticize my brother and his wife.  Years actually..How the boy was constantly talking about his genitals, how my sis in law dressed her young daughter like a slut, how weird the boy and the girl's relationship was..always insinuating incest, and things of a sexual nature..  I feel for your wife and you..I told my wife last week I would perfectly understand if she left me and never returned after all my parents have put her through since about two years.  Not a manipulation on my part but a statement of fact.  I couldn't blame you I said..she more or less invited me to leave with her..that said it all! And I will..
I had a thought this week Neko, today actually while mowing the lawn ( four bloody hours in the humid hot sun! whew!) There I was sitting on the mower and this thought came to me.  The more you criticize others, the more it reveals about you...I'm still pondering what that means..more on that later.. So good to know you've had these thoughts too, so refreshing to hear that you are a safe distance away from your parents.  I'm a bit jealous they've agreed to your boundaries..the minute I say Boundaries to my parents they answer: "where do we cross?" and they end up again right where they're not supposed to be.
Rosencrantz, I,like Rob pay no attention to the occult.  I do believe it's a no no..God doesn't like that.  So I can't relate to literature on evil spirits and "energies".  Don't take it as a put-down please, I understand what you mean and what you're  saying, however, demons and demonic forces I can relate to.  No doubt these are operating in my parents.  And yes, I do believe my parents and people like them are very insecure and unhappy.  Caught in a prison-behind emotional bars if you will. Far unhappier than I've ever been or ever will be.  I've tried for what seems to be a lifetime to get them to see the other side..to no avail, therefore although I pray for them constantly I must leave them to God as an oblate father said to me a few days ago, and let Him do the work.  Major restoration I say!
Kind regards,
Nic :wink:

rosencrantz:
Wow - Not quite sure what I said, but I need to share that I don't believe in evil spirits either!!  And I wouldn't touch the occult with a bargepole.  I wouldn't be able to relate to the word demonic because it sounds the same kind of thing to me.

Using imagery for healing is something I learned about some 20 years ago when I was involved in the Human Potential movement - co-counselling, six category intervention analysis - things like that.  As for the rest, I guess I'm talking about the field of alternative and complementary medecine.  I'd include things like reflexology, aromatherapy, homeopathy, flower essences and bio-energetics.

Think about all our self-talk : it's really difficult to find the truth - but the body never lies.  Holistic healing involves mind AND body.  Kinesiology is based on these energies and is used, for example, to test for allergies.  Much more effective than patch tests or dietary exclusion especially for young children.  If it wasn't presented in such a 'low key' way, I'd say it was cutting edge and very exciting.  

I suppose it's a bit like the effects of being brought up by a narcissist - no-one believes you unless they've experienced it for themselves!!  LOL  But David Hawkins' book shows just how important to our well-being it is to practice acceptance and forgiveness - In a way, it's the science behind the scriptures...

The result is that my life has stopped being 'compartmentalised', and everything is gradually getting 'joined up'.  Whole!

However, I ended up feeling rather depressed last night - I realised I'd spent the day doing my 'eager puppy' routine.  'Let me help, I can help'.  Bounce, leap, lick, pant.  Pat me on the head.  Sigh.  Well, at least I know that eager puppy IS 'me' and not my mother invading me again.

BTW Nic - if it helps, the psychoanalytic literature doesn't call it 'invading someone's psychic space', it's called 'splitting' and 'projective identification'.  But they both mean the same thing : We are a dustbin (one writer uses the word 'toilet'!) for all the things about themselves that they don't like - and it makes us sick. People who don't get hooked up into their dramas just get bored with it all (like your wife).  

That reminds me of the 'excitement'/depression factor.  I think we're addicted to them!!!!!

Great to experience all that laughter, Nic!!!  

Toodlepip
R

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