Now to cope with an N Mother In Law

[littleowl]

Have read through several of the threads on this excellent site.

My name is Eoin, married to Trish and we have one son.

We are both the individual and collective scapegoats of our families and are working hard to free ourselves from our family defined roles.

Here's a brief history of our lives before we met, the last 12 years and the present.

I had my first of several hospitalisations for Bipolar (mania) 15 years ago, the manic cycles continued until meeting Trish 12 years ago and commencing therapy.

Therapy has been ongoing since then and with the exception of a relapse 3 years ago (I re-entered my family thinking I was strong enough to cope) I remain well, functioning and medication free for nearly ten years.

Shortly after meeting Trish, she began to tell me of the sexual abuse perpatrated on her by a neighbour. I encouraged her to seek help both professionally and legally in her journey of recovery.

This however all backfired when her abuser confronted her family with a Solictors' letter she had sent him and all hell broke loose, not with the abusing neighbour, but rather her family.

It took us quite a while to work out but the conclusion we have arrived at is that Trish's Mother is an N at the higher level.

On hearing of our engagement her Nmother's response was "what about me?".

Since then it has been one abuse after another, some highlights!! were:

- shunned our Wedding Day
- denied any knowledge of the previous sexual abuse though they all knew except Trish's Father.
- Nmother turned entire family and in-laws against us making up stories as she went along
- made a sham of our son's Christening
- continuously attempts to ruin our every happy event.

We have tried various methods in trying to combat the Nmother, falling into the usual pitfalls and mistakes everyone seems to make.

This Christmas we thought we had it sussed, we arranged a holiday abroad from Christmas Eve for a week but the Nmother was still able to get in on Dec 22nd with a phone call looking for our address to send our son a present.

It's now the 22nd of January but Nmother hasn't managed to send it!

Trish's Father, the Enabler gave up and died 3 years ago, I had eventually formed a good relationship with him despite the Nmother's continued warfare against me.

She has now managed to regroup the dysfunctional family back under her control including bringing a HERO daughter back from Australia where she was progressing as a Medical Consultant.

The Nmother has been a constant source of abuse, upheaval and heartbreak in our relationship for 12 years, it seems now that not even a superficial relationship is possible with any member of the immediate family.

I think Trish has finally realised that her Nmother is not for changing, what can we do to protect ourselves from this abuse and emotional turmoil longterm as well as short-term?

Eoin & Trish

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Eoin.
What a difficult struggle...especially with a mother-in-law. She sure does sound like an N. I'm sorry your marriage has been haunted by that pressure along with your illness. (But congrats on doing so well.)

My honest advice is that if Trish wants help herself in setting new boundaries, finding her way through to "divorcing" her mother if that's what she wants to do, that Trish come here herself and say so.

I found it very difficult to respond to a similar situation a while back when one spouse posted about issues that the other spouse would have to resolve.

I would at a minimum encourage you and Trish both to Google "boundaries in relationships" as a starting point. That's where everything healthy begins.

Best to you,
Hopalong

[littleowl]

Thanks Hopalong,

This is Trish, I'm new to this whole message board bit that Eoin has just introduced me to.

I findit hard to understand why I allow my mother to manipulate me .I cannot set proper boundaries.She has done  some awful things to me and i still go back.I  then feel trapped between my husband feelings and my mothers.    Trish

[Hopalong]

Hi Trish,

Do you have a therapist?
An independent, wise counselor could be a tremendous help to you, I think.

I hope others will chime in here with wisdom for you. I feel awkward because I want to say...oh heck, I'll just say it...it is hard enough to deal with an N parent without your spouse. I can sympathize with your husband's frustration but as far as the board goes, it's awkward to hear from two points of a triangle and know how to honor you both and still support you. You are the one at the stress point of the dynamic.

I believe that you are entitled to assert your own space to resolve your feelings in your own way and your own time. Neither your mother (however controlling) nor your spouse (however well intentioned, which I am sure he is) can direct your own healing process.

It would be false healing. You need the space and time to resolve it for yourself.

Just my opinion and I hope it's not divisive. I think you both deserve support and listening. But it might be better for you to establish your own private username, and each of you approach the board as individuals with a sense of uninhibited privacy and comfort. That's what posting on your own can do.

(Does anybody else have good counsel here?)

Hopalong

[Bones]

((((((((((((((((((Little Owl and Hubby))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I concur with Hops suggestion about working with a therapist, both individually and together.  It's possible that you Nmother will find any which way she can to get at you, either directly at you or indirectly through Eoian and/or your child, her grandchild, hurting them in the process as well.  I sense she can and will be that vicious!  Just my thought on the matter.

Bones

[littleowl]

Hi everyone,

Eoin here, thanks for all the responses so far, nice to know we're not on our own.

It's hard to believe but we both only realised last night how the nMother in Law had ben pushing all my buttons as well, not bad after 12 years of trying to figurethe N out.

Although the N never speaks to me, I'm amazed at the power I've given her, no more though, I'm not going to battle with her anymore.

It's over to Trish (Dove)  from here on in, we've a strategy organised for the telephone (the N usually hangs up if I answer) so I'll exit the stage and just observe Trish taking her power back

Best wishes to all.

[Dove]

hi  Guys, great to hear  wise advice.at this stage I  cannot have any relationship with my NMother .Somehow she  reduces me to a helpless child.It takes me a week to  get  back on track.Only thing  that works is no contact  sad but true.Need to work on anger still.  Dove