CB – I find processing here to be indescribably healing.
It was hard to know that the psych doctor essentially sabotaged my case by losing his temper with my xH. And that I was forced to accept standard visitation for my son, probably because of the behavior of another angry man. Two men fighting for control, and I, AGAIN, have to deal with the fall out. That is probably a recurring story in my life.
What shocks me is that the psych doctor’s refusal to put up with the Nh’s unacceptable behavior is seen as unacceptable. How bizarre is that? What you have posted about the psych’s behavior sounded reasonable and professional to me. That his behavior was seen an unprofessional reminds me very strongly of some of the material from the book on “Bad Mother Taboo”. That the psych doctor then wrote a letter that made the Nh out to be benign is still in credible to me. The whole thing is so very Kafkaesque. It is unbearably painful and appalling! That is so very much for you and your children to bear.
The parallels with your experiences in church life are powerful. You paid such a steep price for those battles that you were not privy to. Just based on your post, I suspect that you have not healed from those wounds yet. That makes this experience like pouring salt in the not yet healed wounds from yesteryear. When you say, ” I dont think I have felt the extent of my anger about this yet.” I am sure you are right. This is a place that will need healing. Mark it down so that as your strength grows you can address this in time to come.
The mediator was frank with me. If the dad was so bad that I didnt want to allow standard visitation, why would I consider an arrangement like I put in writing?
Ultimately, that and the fact that the court is generally sympathetic to dads' rights unless they are axe murderers meant that I had absolutely no recourse.
This is the legal system as it is. And this is a form of gaslighting. The pretense that circumstances or the context in which a proposal is written are meaningless is absolute crazymaking. Here’s another example of such legal crazymaking. If someone threatens you with violence but they do it silently or non-verbally, then it doesn’t constitute a threat in the legal system. So many women have died because of those legal loopholes. And that’s exactly what you fell into – a legal loophole. Of course you wanted what was best for your children and of course you trusted the counselor. But as time went by and things happened you saw the writing on the wall. How insane is it to say that if you once thought joint custody was acceptable then you can never change your mind. That is insane but that is how the legal system works.
To say that I hate my xH for this underhanded behavior is such an understatement. I dont even know if I can ever be in the same vicinity with him. I hope I can get through this new batch of emotions quickly enough to be unencumbered while I get my new life on track.
CB, you are doing better than you realize. You will get through these emotions. But please, DO NOT rush them. I know that sounds crazy but in your need to stop the pain, rushing through the healing is one thing that can slip into denial and that will actually simply delay the healing. So promise yourself that though it is excruciating, you will let the healing take it’s natural course. Treat it like a bad case of flu. As soon as you feel better start to do things but if you get knocked down again realize that this case of flu was more virulent than you realized and nurture yourself through the healing.
You have been batter and bruised by vengeful and incompetent people and a system unable to compensate from human variances. I am so terribly sorry that you are going through this. But because of your strength you will not only survive but you will get to a point in which you will flourish and your children will have a model of remarkable strength beating back the goliathan odds.
I don’t know if this is of any comfort but few people could come as far as you in such a short time. As I’ve said before I admire you. – your friend – Gaining Strength
