Big time backsliding today

[debkor]

Don't know if this helps but came across it on the net today.

Beat the narcissist at work
an Ivanhoe Medical report 02/02/07


 

 
 

BACKGROUND: What do Oprah Winfrey, Jack Welch, Martha Stewart, and Bill Gates have in common? According to psychoanalyst Michael Maccoby, Ph.D., it's not just enormous success -- it's also a personality trait called narcissism. The dictionary defines narcissist as "excessive love or admiration of oneself." Working with -- or for -- a narcissist can be dangerous but is sometimes worth it. It all depends on what kind of narcissist you're dealing with.

CREATIVE NARCISSIST: Dr. Maccoby says the creative narcissist, or visionary type, has a big dream and vision, and sticking with that kind of narcissist could mean you'll get taken to the top, too. He explains, "The best narcissists have this idea of creating something great, something new, and it gives meaning to a lot of people to be part of something like that." You just have to understand that it's always the narcissist's vision you're working for -- not necessarily your own. You have to be ready for a tough ride. Dr. Maccoby says, "They tend to often lack much loyalty. They'll call you any hour of the day or night if they need you. And furthermore, they tend to be rather insensitive about your feelings, though extremely sensitive about their own." But, as Dr. Maccoby points out, "The people who worked for Bill Gates or Steve Jobs in the beginning are multi-millionaires."

PATHOLOGICAL NARCISSIST: This type of narcissist characterizes historical figures like Mao, Stalin and Hitler. Working for an irrational, pathological "monster" is probably not worth it, according to Dr. Maccoby. This would also be a person who is just out for himself and isn't going to make you part of something great.

BEATING THE NARCISSIST: Dr. Maccoby says you can't beat a narcissistic boss at his own game - - you can only leave and create your own game. But if you want to stay working for him, you can at least become a better player. Here's how:

•Be clear about what the rules are for you. Define you limits
•Don't assume anything
•Get everything down in writing
•If you want to get something across, make them think it's their idea
•Offer sincere flattery
•Don't expect the narcissistic boss to just give you something -- you've got to demand it
•If you want them to change something, you must show them that it will be bad for them -- not that it is something immoral or unethical -- but that it will actually be bad for them
•Be careful with giving criticism. If a narcissistic boss has what you perceive as a stupid idea, don't tell him you think it's stupid. Repeat the idea back to him, and he'll tell you it's stupid

For More Information, Contact:
Michael Maccoby, Ph.D.
michael@maccoby.com
(202) 895-8922



Deb

[pennyplant]

Thanks, Deb. I think I'll be able to use some of this.  When I'm in a good mood I can flatter with the best of them.  I do have a hard time making demands.  But I could get good at that!!!  The best thing, though, will be some day when I leave.  It's been so nice to be away from it and them.  Being away is better.

Pennyplant

[pennyplant]

Quarter to four in the morning.  Really weird dreams again.  Today is the day I hand over my little office to the new OIC.  I like her a lot and am happy for her that she gets the chance to do something she wanted for nearly seven years.  But of course I feel funny about it too.  It brings up so much.  Yesterday she spent the day with me to learn things and see what a typical day is like.  She approaches learning similarly to the way I do.  That was kind of neat.  She knows some things already and will do fine.  It was embarrassing to me sometimes to see the things I missed--little things that I thought I was doing right, but didn't need to do at all.  It brings up that shame I carry around all the time.  And it is silly really.  Nobody is judging me the way I judge me.  I take things personally when really it is shame bubbling up.  So little of that judgment is external.  At least in a healthy situation.

Another hurtful thought.  During the day, three of her friends from her unit called her for questions or to pick on her.  I have been gone from my usual assignment for six weeks.  Had one visitor and one phone call from friends there.  Several calls from people who care about me but no longer work there.  Given what I have seen on the Saturdays when I go back, what I have learned about the dynamics of that place and how I "fit in" there, I'm guessing there is some relief that I'm gone.  Like they needed the break from me as much as I need the break from them.  Owww, owww, owww.  My gut tells me I'm right on this.  So... you know... I'm not looking to be talked out of this idea.  I'm looking to be able to sit with it and accept it.  Cause I'm pretty sure I'm right about it.  Of course I'd rather I hadn't thought of that little gem.  Sort of takes my breath away.

So, today, I'll be kind of extra.  We will do an inventory like on my first day.  It will be phenomenally more orderly and peaceful than my first day was.  But she will still feel nervous.  That is unavoidable.  But I see her starting to make it her own and already form attachments.  I see her learning  style.  It's going to be a good experience for her.  Maybe it will be the beginning of her next journey.  I feel good to be a part of that.  I feel kind of proud of myself that I can do this kind of gracefully.  More gracefully than I usually do things like this!!!  And I feel really sad and tentative now.

I hope something good comes next.  Well, this was good in many ways.  But, as usual, it ended before I was ready for it to end.

On a somewhat related note:  Yesterday my husband built me a fire in the fireplace and I burned up some emails and other little paper tidbits I had been hanging onto having to do with my last N.  At first I was going to burn one page at a time and really draw it out.  Then I looked at some of the papers and started to want to keep them again.  So, I took the whole pile, about an inch high, and burned it all at once.  Moved over a couple of the logs, really hot in there, and laid the whole pile in the middle, then put a burning log on top.  Watched the pile turn black all at once.  Stood there absorbing the fact that all the words were burned right up.  When I was sure nothing was salvageable, I walked away and went about my day.  Now there is an empty spot on my desk.  Just my stuff left all piled up around that small, empty spot.

Some of what I burned stirs up shame in me.  The unhealthy kind.  I'm glad that is gone so I don't have to keep reminding myself of that.  The healthy parts, the stuff I needed to learn, that can stay with me and take me into my future.

Going to try and go back to sleep now.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

For PP:

I am not my job. My job is one thing I do.
Doing my job well or poorly is just me doing my job well or poorly.
Doing my work does not oblige me to be happy or unhappy.
I will be happy at some points and unhappy at some points.
My workmates, good and bad, annoying or nice, are not my parents or siblings.
Some workmates migt become friends, but they will not become my parents or siblings.
My workmates and I are all just people, good and bad, annoying and nice.
I make mistakes, my workmates make mistakes.
I am not a mistake.
I continue to learn.
I'm learning from this job change.
I am always free to think new thoughts.

love,
Hops

[Tempesta59]

Wow Pennyplant, you have a lot on your plate!  I sure hope things get better for you soon.  It is hard to go through stuff in life, without having to put up with it at work.  I do both too.  My Husband, Father, and his Sisters own the business I work for.  3 out of 5 of his Sisters work in the business.  I started working there 5 years ago, it has only gotten better because I have finally starting speaking up.  I can run almost all the departments.

You sound like a good and hard worker.  It is hard hun.  It seems to be affecting you health.  Not sleeping and depression.  I know that one all too well.  I feel for you, I really do.  Out of all this, you are learning important skills though.  Things that will help you down the road.  You are very wise in seeing things for what they are, and what you have to do.  Hang in there, it will get better.  

[pennyplant]

Hops, I can use this "mantra" when I go back to work there on Friday.  It'll give my brain something useful to do while I try to hold onto my gains of the past six weeks.  If my brain is filled with positive and practical thoughts there just won't be room for the negative and scared thoughts.  I did  stop in quickly this morning and found out the co-worker who cut my assignment short with his complaints is doing his usual game-playing of whining and calling in sick needlessly.  Eventually he may really hurt himself with his attitude and actions.  Further evidence that what he did wasn't personal but rather all about whatever is wrong with him.  Understanding this I can be patient and wait for my future to reveal itself.

Welcome, Tempesta, and thank you for your positive comments.  I'm feeling much better as the days go by.  One thing that I count as a plus is now I can actually recognize when I am depressed and I have some recourse when it happens.  I have better coping skills.  I can ride it out better now and not become despondent and hopeless.  This whole episode with the job was about more than learning new career skills.  I learned a lot about what kind of person I am and how to make the best of situations.  I learned what I'm made of and learned that it is okay to be me.  I have only rarely felt that in my life before.  Many people have praised me throughout this and I can accept that from people.  It doesn't seem like such a stretch to me now.  Before I always doubted the sincerity of praise.  I do know I have so much more to learn.  But it is good to recognize what I did learn.

I am so glad I had this place to come to in the wee hours this morning when I couldn't sleep!  This place is a real life saver.  It is good to have a place to talk and good to know that someone will read and listen.

Also, before I always felt trapped by bad situations.  I would always talk myself out of the graceful solution, such as transferring or going on a job search while still employed.  I always convinced myself I would "get in trouble" with the current bothersome boss if they "found out".   Getting in trouble was thoroughly taught to me as a child.  That internal judge and jury again.  Now I feel unafraid to check out other possibilities.  It is not something I can just do quickly.  I will have to check out the other possibilities and be sure I'm not transferring into something else bad.  But I feel less trapped now that I am willing to really consider looking for another office that would be more compatible for me and more supportive of my goals.  I'm starting to think I have goals!  I also feel less intimidated by the people who want to trip me up.  It feels like they have nothing to do with me.  Pesky little flies.

Pennyplant

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((Penny)))))))))))

As usual, we are on the same page... I can't tell you how many crappy jobs I endures, being treated like a pile of dung (although I did a great job, yet I think people know if you are willing to let them walk all over you).I told myself I was being "loyal," but I think the truth is, due to our backgrounds, we are afraid to take risks... Unless we are absolutely and completely trampled, we will put up with endless garbage (isn't that what we did when we were "loyal" in our homes??)

YOU SOUND SO GOOD!!! It is so awesome to read your posts here and see how your your growth is affecting how you perceive work... The tint is gone from your glasses and you are seeing it for real.

Lots of love, PP.

Beth

[pennyplant]

Good morning, Beth!  I was up early again, had a very strange dream that I think was about the lack of boundaries in my life up until just recently.  This dream was too strange to share with anyone, but I'm satisfied I know what it meant.  And another piece slips into place.

Yes, definitely people can tell if you will allow them to walk all over you.  Many people go about their day seeking out such people for some reason.  They sniff you out.  I think with me part of the problem has been that I just don't know ahead of time what it is I want or hope to accomplish.  So there is something of a vacuum in me and that draws in the wrong people.  Just the way a real vacuum draws in dirt.  So, it's important to fill in that big hole with more of me and what I hope for.  I need to be more solid.  Then there is less of a way for the dirt to creep in.

I thought of something newish this morning while I was digesting my weird dream.  I was thinking of how many of us here didn't have the parents or FOO that we needed and we have spent much time looking for those people and re-creating the same dynamic over and over again.

I was thinking about the other side of what it means to not have proper parents, proper siblings, proper friends.  The other side of it is that I never got to be a healthy daughter, a healthy sister, a healthy friend.  I never became my real self because I never fulfilled my roles.  So, instead of continuing to look for mother/father/sibling figures, I want to seek out the path that will allow me to be the daughter I couldn't be, the sister I couldn't be, the friend I couldn't be.  There are other roles, of course, that I also got shortchanged on.  But I don't want to get overwhelmed.  And I'm not locked into doing this in any particular order.  If life hands me an opportunity to work on the other roles first, then so be it.  But it is this change in perspective that I think will make the difference for me.  Instead of looking for someone to fill in for the people who let me down in life, I will look for places I can be or go to that will teach me to fulfill my personal roles.

And for now, I still want to work someplace else soon.  I'm looking for a new job site and hopefully it will also be a place where I can make significant progress in my personal work.  So, I'm going to tell a couple people that I'm looking to transfer and see what turns up.

A work in progress.  Hope this makes sense to somebody!

Pennyplant

[pennyplant]

This morning, while I still have access to Outlook at work, I emailed my former supervisor about the possibility of my transferring out to her office.  She replied that she thought it would be a good fit, but not to put all my eggs in one basket.  She also reminded me of a career development thingy coming up in April where I could meet the powers-that-be.  So, I will try to go to that.

I still  want out of my office because of the lack of support thing.  But since she didn't respond with a ringing endorsement of me going there, or offer to "support" me, I will take to heart her advice to try several things and see what works out best.  Not sure if I will jump right on the letter of transfer to her office or not.  Email is kind of cold anyway but I think I would feel more welcomed into her sphere if she had just said, "yes".  She didn't.  So I will work on other avenues for now.

I was nervous when I sent the email, for just this reason.  Her answer was not insulting or anything but it wasn't what I hoped for.  Is anything ever what I hope for?  No, probably not.  But I think I will do okay if I divert my energy from how I feel about the less than enthusiastic answer and put that energy into my Plans B,C, and D.

Have some homework to do.

I think it is going to turn out that I need to be my own mentor.

[Hopalong]

Colossal insight, PP--Wow!:

Instead of looking for someone to fill in for the people who let me down in life, I will look for places I can be or go to that will teach me to fulfill my personal roles.

Re. your superior's lukewarm email "sounds like a good fit but take it slowly" -- is it possible you're seeing a glass half empty that's half full? Email's a crappy way to transmit emotion anyway... She might have manager-reasons for not responding with clear enthusiasm that have nothing to do with you being unwelcome. But just something to do with her own job.

You think?

Hops

[pennyplant]

You called it just right, Hops.  She called me a little while ago with oodles of information.  She knows of two or three possible openings for me to transfer to that will happen before she has an opening in her office.  She walked me right through getting on the transfer list and we talked for an hour.  You are so right.  I started going all doom and gloom on myself and IT WASN'T PERSONAL AT ALL!  How long will it take me to remember that????  As long as it takes I guess.  So, we shall see what happens next.  I do have people on my side, I just keep forgetting that.

Thank you oh wise one.....

Pennyplant

[gratitude28]

Oh man, PP, does the whole world revolve around you too? How can we both be at the center??? Hee hee. I ALWAYS think it's personal!!!!! How awesome that she sent you all the info!!!!!! And you were already doing great by having a plan and being ready to move forward! I hope you asre feeling GREAT about yourself right now!!!!!
Lots of love,
Beth

[pennyplant]

Beth, I feel like I made it around another corner of the road I'm on.  It feels really good to be able to accept each thing as it comes and really let go of what I was feeling badly about once I realize I was out to lunch about it.  Because not only do I struggle with everything is personal, I also struggle with moving on from feelings and wrong ideas.  I have a very hard time shaking things off.  But I'm learning how to do this.  Oh, and I also catastrophe-ize things.  Geez, I know that's a word, but it's not in the spell-checker!  Oh, you know what I mean--it's always worst-case-scenario with me.  All of that was going on in my head (to a lesser degree than usual, but still) because of a little email.

I may end up transferring a couple of times depending on the way the openings open up.  But I want to take my time.  I still have lots of things to learn before I'm ready to really step out there.  The good news is, I think I'm going to get the chance to learn those things.

Off to start the day now.

Love, Pennyplant

[Gaining Strength]

She called me a little while ago with oodles of information.  She knows of two or three possible openings for me to transfer to that will happen before she has an opening in her office.  She walked me right through getting on the transfer list and we talked for an hour.  
This is soooo exciting PP.  The great thing - that does not depend on ANY outcome, is that SHE knows YOU and really wants to help.  This is very important.  Your instincts about her are right.  You happen to be in a terrible situation right now.  Those nuts are are behaving in ways that allow you to doubt yourself and your worth.  It is not about you.  It is completely about them and I encourage you to see this.  This person's responce is more proof that  YOU are great.  Keep your focus on this and on the good experience you've had away from your bunch of nuts and feel good about your self (not your situation) and keep believing and knowing that you will be out of it soon enough and able to really flourish.

I started going all doom and gloom on myself and IT WASN'T PERSONAL AT ALL!  How long will it take me to remember that????  As long as it takes I guess.
I think this is a lesson we all have to learn over and over until it sticks.  It so goes against what we grew up in.  I am trying to learn to actually write down these things so that I can keep encouraged.  If I believe then I can move forward.  Just file this away and bring it out next time doubt surfaces with abandon.

Way to go PP - your friend - Gaining strength

[pennyplant]

Thanks, thanks, thanks!

Today was my first day back in the loony bin.  It went well.  I was a little overly animated but I get like that anyway.  No one would say I was acting strange or anything!

Even more ridiculous things have gone on there in the last couple days and many people are wondering, Why is it that certain people get whatever they want no matter how unreasonable, and certain others, the reliable ones, just get more and more piled on them?  It is not my imagination!!!  People just want to leave that place but probably won't.  I feel far less trapped now that I have requested reassignment.  My escape plan, if needed.

I really want to go work for my former supervisor, the one who helped me with the transfer list the other night.  But I am content to let things develop and see how it plays out.  There are so many variables.

Today I was able to focus on my tasks and who I wanted to talk to and who wanted to talk to me.  I paid little or no attention to the various losers.  At no time did my stomach do any flip flops, nor did my blood pressure soar.  Long may this detachment last!  I know I will be tested and probably sooner rather than later.  But now I have some tools to fall back on.  My tools that I learned while on my assignment.  If I slip up, I can start again with the new ways I have learned.  I'm putting way less pressure on myself.  Does that ever help!

This next thing is somewhat related to the "incredible connection" we have talked about on WRITE's thread.  A new guy started where I work this week while I was gone.  So today is the first time I saw him or knew anything about him other than that someone was transferring in.  (Little does he know....yet.)  He looks so much like my first emotional affair that I lost my train of thought right in the middle of a conversation I was having with someone else.  That little stab went right through me.  The chemistry stab that I have missed for so long.  He, of course, is just being very quiet and trying to make sense of his job.  So, in this case, I am my own red flag.  That feeling that I might call connection.... and it is all in me.  There is nothing coming from this other person at all.  He hasn't even seen me yet or anything.  I don't exist in his world yet.  So, the red flag is all mine.  I won't have to struggle much with it if he doesn't ever notice me.  If he does, then I will have to struggle with it.  But this time, I know going in what my weakness is.  I have some tools this time around.

I was pretty stunned though, that I did that again, let that chemistry thing bubble up again.  The last thing I expected when I went in this morning.  Isn't that always the way?  Always something.  It's way better to have some knowledge or experience to work with though.  Before this place, this board, I didn't have that.

Pennyplant