Hi all,
I'm thinking about this task of helping our children avoid becoming N's if they've been exposed to N's, and to help them deal with N's in their life as most at some time or another will have to.
No Portia, you shouldn't stop, you should go on, please. I know I'm a guest, but pretty please. I've missed you lately and I'd love it if this point could be explored because you absolutely hit the nail on the head.
It's listening. It's listening! Listening! Listening!
This culturally lost art, the other vital aspect of communication. That's what causes voicelessness in the first place. I carry a lot of secrets around in my head because of my job type and the confidentiality aspect connected with it, I'm related to a bit like a priest at work.
The thing that I hear most from people who need to come to me to address personal issues is so often "Thanks for listening." Dr Grossman's introductory articles address this so well.
It's in listening to our children when and where they communicate without stifling their enquiries. Encouraging them to explore their ideas and views. Helping them to learn how to make healthy decisions. Discussing issues that affect themand involving them in decision making processs, with respect to their years. Certain things may be inappropriate for their age.
But listening is so vital, it's the key.
Children who don't get listened to often develop the unhealthy characteristic of screaming.
This is only one of the many recognised traits of children who don't receive 'listening' from significant caretakers in their lives and as a result haven't learned how to 'listen' to others themselves. This observable trait of 'screaming' in small children is so heart-wrenching. Later in their life this screaming mutates. Its mutations are different depending on whether they are introverts, extroverts, males or females, and also can be affected by sibling order.
One thing that has been proved is that children who experience 'speaking into space' when they are young, and haven't received or been taught effective communication skills become destructive communicators later in life. And this destructive characteristic pervades ao many aspects of their life. If when they were young they were either silenced, ignored or ridiculed, they so often become their own worst enemy. Even in relationships that are important to them.
By not listening to our children and not respecting their opinions or getting down on their level we not only silence them and create voicelessness, but we make them deaf as well. Deaf to good advice, deaf to good people, deaf to views which conflict with their own. Unfortunately they also become deaf to their own negative speech and the effects of it on others. If children aren't appreciated and responded too, answered or encouraged, the harm is so great. It impacts on, and often destroys their future relationships.
My own view developed from my workplace invovlment is that so often it's the same types and characters who so often become embroiled in the emotional 'fire-storms' that erupt, sometimes occasionaly, sometimes frequently. And so often they are misunderstanding based conflict. Usually flamed by the ones with the poorer, underdeveloped listening skills, and over-developed 'screaming' skills This is the art we need to develop and impart to our children. And it is taught by example. There is no other way.
Would love to hear more on this thread
Guest (high priest/priestess of a company with 500+ employees, parent, and grandparent)
