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It's about the kids

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lynn:
Hi friends,

I'm sitting here reading posts and thinking about N-moms, N-dads, N-husbands.  Everybody here has so many life experiences.  Help me to understand the steps to take with my children to give them tools to avoid N-ism.  Clearly, this sort of thing runs in families.  Yet, not all children in the family are affected in the same way.

What worked in your situation?  

What did you wish your mom/dad had done for you?  What do you wish they had NOT done?

What are the most important things for kids in an N-family to understand?  Voice?  Self-confidence?  Feeling loved?

lynn

Anonymous:
Hi Lynn, hope everythings fine with you in your new life.

This is a good topic you created  for discussion, and my brain has already launched into it. I'm going to be thinking about this one tonight and hope I can come back to it after dinner. Thanks for the post.

Guest

Wildflower:
Great question and topic indeed!!

I think by virtue of being on this board and working out the issues, most of us here are committed to figuring out and really understanding the narcissistic mechanism in order to prevent handing it down to our children.  To me, this knowledge is essential and the key to prevent passing this down.  

Because her mother continually invaded her physical and emotional privacy, my mother adopted an across-the-board let-her-figure-it-out-on-her-own approach when it came to addressing my needs.  She saw me suffering with my depression, obesity, and fighting with my father, but she figured it was normal or not something to interfere with because it was so much better than what she had grown up with.  Better, perhaps.  Damaging in a different way, absolutely.

If my mother had done a little more child development research (something I’m committed to doing) and raised me as a new person not yet involved in the drama of her own abuse instead of as a reaction to her mother and a reminder of her own childhood, it may have been easier to identify the needs of her child.  And even if she couldn't deal all of those needs herself - find someone who could.  In doing so, she could have probably helped to heal herself by understanding not just that she had been abused, but by understanding what is healthy and how her own needs hadn’t been met – but were completely natural.

My two cents.

Anonymous:
What are the most important things for kids in an N-family to understand? Voice? Self-confidence? Feeling loved?


I had to think about this for a while.
Ostensibly children in a n-family have the same needs as other children: unconditional love, space to grow, a nurturing parent to support them, a positive environment etc.

I can think of two differences where there is a narcissist ( or other major issue ) in the family.

One: the children be taught that the narcissist behaviour is different and unacceptable and how to recognise and challenge it and to see themselves as separate. The narcissist does not want to own their own behaviour or their own pain, they are quick to pass the blame and to find offence where there is none. It also compounds as everyone develops: the narcissist experiences more and more pain as they are challenged and denied the attention and adulation. It's not about love either: the narcissist can love. Its about power, and taking from others all the energy in situations, and not giving anything back. Narcissists frustrate others.

Two: that the non-n parent ( s ) get professional help for themselves, and the children do not ever have to take the role of confidante/ advisor/ intermediary etc.

If your children have been affected adversely you will probably already know it Lynn, by their behaviour/ demeanour. Most likely you have been acting as a 'buffer' and effectively caretaking their n-relationship for many years if they have grown up fine.

Portia:
Hiya Lynn.Whoops! I’ve started, I could go on. What specifically are you thinking of Lynn? Are your children more likely to be hurt by Ns or become Ns? What matters is what they’re like, especially at their ages (16 and 19? Please correct me), rather than what the outside world is like, if you see what I mean. Are they talking to you about what’s happening? Sorry, I don’t think I’m being very clear…P

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