one month anniversary

[axa]

Hi Guys,

Well it is one month today since I threw XN out.  Mostly it has been good but feeling shakey today.  I know this has something to do with allowing the feelings come up and feeling so much dammed anger. 

I am proud that I have had no contact with him.  Something I want to ask people is that for a second, at times, I feel like I dreamed the whole nightmare and we are back together full of hope etc.  It does not last long but they are like flashbacks that unnerve me.  I am left feeling shocked and stunned and powerless again.  When I ground myself I am ok again.  Does anyone experience these.  They have only started happening in the past few days.

CAn I have a bit of a rant?  THanks!

I still do not feel able to write the full history of my "relationship" with XN, it will come soon I think.  I looked at his picture today and thought WHO WAS HE.  It is very very scary.  I think it was Izzy who said they know what they are doing and that is the truth.  I have a reall sense that I have been touched by evil.  It is very creepy.

Dont know what else to say.

xxxxAxa

[seastorm]

Hi Axa,

I hear you. Touched by evil......knows what he is doing....flashbacks to moments of innocence and commitment.   I am amazed that you are staying so balanced. There is no avoiding grief and loss and the feelings that accompany this. I have these flashbacks too and it like Mother Nature trying to keep me in the relationship. This is the Haunting. This is a reminder of how you got in the mess you are in. You would be an awefully cool character if you didn't have pangs for what was good in the relationship.
Somewhere I read that evil is accomplished through charm. I found that helpful. How can I trust myself after being so fooled by someone. Someone who turned out to be a hollow person. Really HE is the one who is the rellextion. He relflect the personality of whoever he is with. This kidn of bonds a person to them. He has no judgement of others behaviour, he just takes it on. This feels like being MET in some wonderful way except that it is not real. This is so traumatizing. I mean real trauma.  Trauma that creates bad dreams, sleeplessness, flashbacks and destruction of trust in others and one's self.
This is what I have learned after three months of separation.  The grief can hit at any time and it is not about the rational process but more the process of healing your heart.

As for evil... This is really important. Is a jaguar that eats a beautiful bird evil? Is a male liion that eats his cubs evil?  Maybe these guys have a preCambrian brain.
I think Narcissists are evil. I think they made a choice to survive at all costs and that any minute they could be eaten alive and so they are in survival mode all the time. I would like to say that it is nice black and white, clear and cut and dried evil but I am not sure.
 I think lying and destroying another person is evil.  It think cruelty is evil and I think that when someone makes a choice and it is conscious then they are in control and are choosing to lie and steal and manipulate. That is evil. How else can I bend my mind around the lies and betrayal of trust? I used to think it was my fault but now I don't. Nevertheless, it cuts like a knife at times.

I hope this helps. It helps me to talk about evil. I couldn't conceive of my partner in those terms three months ago. Now it is the only thing that can help to order the chaos of my experience with him.

I would like to hear your story.

Love,
Sea Storm

[Hopalong]

Yes indeed, that's normal, Axa.
CONGRATULATIONS...this is a major milestone for your health and sanity and future happiness.
GOOD FOR YOU! No Contact is the healer, it is the healer, it is the healer.

The dreams and gradual waves of blowback in your psyche will fade. I swear to you they will.

I've felt the same buffeting...and shuddering at the whiff of evil....and after enough has passed...when I was once so broken I wanted to swim one-way into the ocean....now I can think of the very same person (who once was the moon and sun)...that is, if I ever bother to think of him...and I feel nothing much at all. Just sort of a my gosh, remember all that...and no pain. No pain.

This is what's coming for you, Axa. Your own precious, open future.

It's muddy and bruising and difficult to dig your own foundation. Rocks and roots.
But that's what you're doing.

And you're doing it JUST RIGHT.

love,
Hops

[Dazed1]

Dear Axa,

Congratulations on the anniversary of your liberation!!  Congratulations on the No Contact!!!

YAY!!  You've done very well and come a long way.  Pat yourself on the back for a job well done!  It's been a horrible trip, but you are heading to a healthier place.

As far the the dreams and writing your story, I think this means you are processing all that you have been through.  The mind tries to make sense and understand what it all means. 

Sometimes I feel that what I've been through don't amount to a hill of beans.  But, then, I see that I have grown by getting to know myself better.

I think you, Axa, have definately grown and you are getting in touch with your feelings.  Lord, that sounds so cliche and new agey, but I now truely feel there is great value in finding out who I/we really are and what I/we really want in life.

I think that by finding out who I really am and what I really want in life will protect me from getting involved with Ns in the future. 

I think that my weak boundaries (Hell, until recently, I didn't now what boundaries were, never heard the word used in that context!!!) left me open to Ns.  Now, I'm in the process of learning about and defining my boundaries and this has given me an inner direction and identity.

So, learning about my feelings and boundaries is creating a new life for me.

Guess what I'm trying to say is that it is a process, a journey and it takes time to redefine ones life.

Regarding evil, I've thought this through a hundred times and I still don't know.  Yes, the Ns do evil things and yes, they are aware of what they do.  But, Ns are also unconscious and unaware because they have no true self, no self consciousness.  Ns don't believe that what they do is evil because they rationalize their actions.

So, are they evil?  Yes and no.  But, at this point, I no longer care.  I just never want to be in the grips of an N again and will use my boundaries to protect me.

I think that despite the pain that you feel, you're doing really well Axa.  Wishing you all the best on the journey.

dazed

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Sea...what an incredibly tight summary. This will help me as I go forward...

He relflect the personality of whoever he is with. This kidn of bonds a person to them. He has no judgement of others behaviour, he just takes it on. This feels like being MET in some wonderful way except that it is not real.

If I ever meet a potential mate I think I will notice this behavior...

now.

Thank you.
Hops

[isittoolate]

Congratulations axa on your anniversary.

I never had any conscious flashbacks, but I had plenty of nightmares about the relationship continuing and getting worse, would wake up sobbing about his next evil move.

I thought this would never end, a form of PTSD I expect, but it did, as did an overactive startle relex, and a sense of paranoia/fear about seeing him out in publc. I sometimes think I might still be 'looking over my shoulder' but when I think about it, I am prepared.

Hang in there kiddo
Izzy

[GAP]

No contact is the key.  It has been nearly 3 years after a 23 year marriage and I can honestly say I no longer even consider that "what if" or focus on the positive because I understand none of it was real, it was all just about him.  Good times were about him feeling good not about us, as were bad times all about him.  I was truly never allowed to have a feeling I shared with him.  I had the surreal experience about 19 years into the marriage of witnessing a resurrection of the man I thought I had married.  We were on a trip with another woman and this absolutely incredibly man appeared....I hadn't seen him in 19 years but I remembered him...he was the man I fallen in love with, the man I thought I had married.  I had no idea what narcissim was at the time but I realized he had resurrected "Mr. Nice Guy" for the sake of this other woman.  When I finally read about narcissim it all made sense, since I had seen the "man" that I had fallen in love with resurface for a brief period I was able to understand I didn't make a bad choice in men, I was tricked.

[axa]

Thank you all so much for your up lifting posts.  I know that I have a pattern of putting a brave face on things in case it will upset others and am so grateful to be able to come on here and say my truth.  I feel like I have been obsessing a bit over the past few days and that has made things so much worse for me. 

We lived abroad for some time and I know that he is over there at the moment.  I have been remembering the streets, the people, the apartment etc......... I really liked it there.  I think this has been the trigger for my dreams/flashbacks. 

Oh Gap, it felt like such a relief when you said I did not make a bad choice I was tricked.  That is SO how I feel .  I was tricked and because I started to see the light and name the truth I got punched in the stomach.

Thank you all, hopefully today will be easier.

axa

[seastorm]

hi Axa:

i noticed you asked if anyone had these flashbacks where you are back in the time when you believed that you were happy together and that this is all just a nightmare.  Yes, I have that too. When I first wake up I don't realize that he and i have separated and it dawns on me and I have to start over and relive it. I don't really know why this is. I think the process of humans mating is profound and somehow my whole being is shocked by what has happened.

These flashbacks are really painful. Almost unbearable. It happens throughout the day too. It is getting better. I have started to have nightmares that he is out of reach and no longer knows me. He looks at me as if I am a stranger. This terrifies me in the dream.  I am getting sort of pissed off at all this misery. Morning , night and noon.

Do you know what the flashbacks are about? Is it some kind of bargaining or wishful thinking.  They really undermine me in my quest to get away from X.

Sea storm

[axa]

Sea,

I dont know about the flashbacks.  I think it is some sort of shock.  While in relationship iwth the N one has to hold onto some "goodness" in them to survive but when it is over I think that your brain goes on feel fall and anything can happen.  For me it feels like I am accepting the death of the man I loved (who was not real)  Sometimes I find myself thinking of him the Nice one and saying out loud Where are you, where did you go.  I often said the same to my daughter after she died.  It is like you are coming to terms with the fact that the person you loved has disappeared.  Puff, gone just like that.  Maybe we are trying to hold onto some "good memories" this is what we do when we grieve in the normal course of events.  But this is not normal and there is no good to remember and that is the cruelty of it all.


axa

[moonlight52]

 Dear axa

The anniversary is sooooooooooooooo good and things will only get better and better for you.
My fears have lessoned now I feel safe and no contact is best for all .I hold no ill will.
That is all I can do or anyone can do axa protect oneself and get pass the anger and live with love in your heart .
you need not rush any of these emotions
It takes as long as it takes.

quote from Seastorm
As for evil... This is really important. Is a jaguar that eats a beautiful bird evil? Is a male liion that eats his cubs evil?  Maybe these guys have a preCambrian brain.
I think Narcissists are evil. I think they made a choice to survive at all costs and that any minute they could be eaten alive and so they are in survival mode all the time. I would like to say that it is nice black and white, clear and cut and dried evil but I am not sure.
 I think lying and destroying another person is evil.  It think cruelty is evil and I think that when someone makes a choice and it is conscious then they are in control and are choosing to lie and steal and manipulate. That is evil. How else can I bend my mind around the lies and betrayal of trust? I used to think it was my fault but now I don't.
quote from Seastorm

I guess on the subject of evil it is the absence of love.Seastorm wow on the evil metaphor
I wish to be loving and compassionate but finally I just could not continue in unhealthy situations.

much love to you
m

[Leah]

Hip Hip Hooray 

Axa's been free one month today!

Seriously Axa,

Sincere 'well done' to you, and, the only way now is forward, whilst it may seem slow, it's the journey to a better future for YOU.

Very warm wishes,

Leah

[Hopalong]

Moon, me too, I think evil isn't a presence of an intention so much as an absence of the ability to love. So the primordial natural destructive force fills the vacuum, and that's the blank face or the contorted face (like volcanos or ice) of cruelty.

CB, I'm glad you mentioned rebounded from one N to another. It is so helpful to know that someone else did that, because by my count, I have had relationships with multiple Ns in my life. I think it could be graphed...my codependency surging and the Ns becoming moreso.... and I have vague memories of also meeting nice guys along the years, and bored silly, oh they just weren't quite The One.

Whacking self upside head. But then, I'm okay now. I really am okay.

Hope in my geezeritude I'll meet a nice guy, still.

hopefully (but not a wild hope)

Hops