narcisism?

[cj]

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[Portia]

Welcome CJ.  I’m English, never been in therapy (yet) so I can only use ordinary words to talk to you! So – your story so far is pretty horrible. Your family set up – excuse me – sounds weird from the start. Daughters with children don’t usually live just with their Dads you know? (I’m pretty direct and challenging, but other posters will be gentler, I promise, so don’t take offence, okay?) Was it always just the family of three? Do you know anything about your father? (Your mother telling you you’d be like him….just gets me mad.) As for the head-banging on the floor – inexcusable. So humiliating if not downright dangerous! How did you feel? Were you physically hurt? Angry? (You don’t have to answer, I’m just going to a similar place in my childhood.)

Stick around. This is emotional survival here, and it sounds as though that may apply to you eh? So many of your words ring bells, I’m a bit annoyed on your behalf, just listening. It doesn’t matter if it was narcissism or whatever ‘disorder’: it is your reaction. You said “I'm not really sure if my emotions were considered valid”. What do you think? (I don’t think from what you’ve said your emotions were ever considered at all, whether valid or invalid.) If I sound harsh, it’s because I’m against therapists putting words in your mouth: has that happened? I’m glad you posted! Please tell us more if and when you feel like it. Over to my more gentler colleagues here…. Very best wishes, P

PS Your mother sounds cold, unloving and manipulative. Just like so many!
PPS. Okay I’ve calmed down from reading your post and read it again. Your mother seemed to give you this conflicting stuff: letting you believe the outside world was dangerous(?) or that you might be vulnerable in the outside world? And then being cruel about you crying when you had to go back to school. Not nice, not good for anyone.
You said:

i just feel ive been running away from even those thoughts, in my numbness, running away from myself. ITS ALL theory though! I'm just getting imatient waiting on answers.

I get impatient too. And I ran away from myself, for a long time. I guess I should ask: what would you like from this board? Our unscientific group diagnosis of your mother and grandfather, or some questions to you about yourself and how you are? Or both? Or do you feel a little like I have, I wanted to ask ‘please show me who I am?’. Please talk some more!

[seeker]

Welcome CJ

You're in the right place.  Your story has one big thing in common with mine: you didn't feel you had the right to exist.

I'm only guessing, but your mother was angry at your dad and you were around to vent on.  She had to do something with the anger, so she downloaded it onto you.  As for your own feelings, you were allowed to express them because our parents are barely able to deal with their own!  This also probably reminded your mother that you are a separate human being (not allowed!)

What you lived through is not "normal" (the bit about your grandfather is appalling) but sometimes it hard to know that when this type of living is all you knew.  I truly feel for you.  Please stick around for company, read posts, and post more of your own questions as you like.  You are welcome here.  Best, Seeker

[cj]

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[rosencrantz]

Hi cj - a story like yours puts my 'survival' story to shame.  I know we've had other people feel exhausted just trying to write a reply - I guess you are wading through a lot of emotion in order to communicate and that is exhausting (even if you don't yet recognise the emotion).  

There's a lot of discussion about narcissism here but the Board has a much wider remit than that - it's about voicelessness - some of us manage to hide our voices until we find someone to hear us, some people shout a lot to make others hear them - but sometimes people lose theirs altogether.  I am glad you have found a small voice to share your story with us.  I hope you find a way in time to make it much louder.  

I think you are very brave to post here.  There is space for you here when you need it.  
R

[Anonymous]

To Cj, I hope you can feel inclined to come back and continue to share your experience. It is so much like mine.

To Portia, you were beautiful, a side to you I'd only ever glimpsed before. Thankyou

Guest.

[Philski44]

I too can identify with much of your story.  My feelings were constantly put down and rarely acknowledged.  The shame, guilt, and anger my N father smeared on me almost resulted in a successful suicide at 21.  Now at 44 my boundaries are getting some definition to them, but still need alot of work.

Congrats on finding that voice.  I'm still developing mine.  Haven't got my story out because I'm not sure what it is.  It is coming here and 'listening' to others share their story that I find pieces of mine in them.  I'm finding out "normal" in the midst of an N is anything but....

Welcome and hope you come back....
Philski

[Anonymous]

Hi c.j. welcome. It's good therapy getting your story out isn't it. I hope you can continue. Being an only child with problem caretakers and parents is a heavy burden. The depersonalisation is so often the result, also a very scary preocess or stage. It's a good thing to come out of and leave behind. I wish you well.

Hi Philski, or should I say, marathon man. Hope organising the run is going okay for you? Or should I say 'Run Forrest Run.' Be good to hear your story when you're ready. I think my neighbour is an N. He's not a direct problem to me, he's as nice as pie, but his daughter is quite oppressed by him in a very controlling smothering way. She's at uni, going to be a physiotherapist. And she's a very good long distance runner, there have been a few local paper stories on her. Everytime they argue they're so loud, her and her dad. No swearing, but he can be very cruel. Whenever we hear it she runs for hours, sometimes late at night. That's a worry.  I think running must be good therapy for her.

Thanks for sharing

Guest

[cj]

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[cj]

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[Anonymous]

Normal parents have to gain thick skins, especially during the teenage years when they don't want to be seen with you (but still need your money and your emotional support).  I remember my teenage sons walking miles (seemingly) ahead of me in the mall so they wouldn't be seen with their "mommy."  Talk about rejection

Sometimes I think my mother found it difficult to get close to me, because she feared rejection herself (from me). I can remember times when i was a kid and she would say (if i was being 'horrible' to her, as kids can be) 'Why do you hate me so much????'.
Another time I told her i didnt want her to walk me to school, because I was embarrassed being seen with my mum, because i was worried it might look sissy, and that I'd get teased. She, however, assumed it was because I 'didn't want to be seen with her', and got pissed off and got all defensive and annoyed.

[Lizbeth]

Somehow I was logged out for that message above, even though I had logged in earlier.  sorry!

Lizbeth

Normal parents have to gain thick skins, especially during the teenage years when they don't want to be seen with you (but still need your money and your emotional support).  I remember my teenage sons walking miles (seemingly) ahead of me in the mall so they wouldn't be seen with their "mommy."  Talk about rejection

Sometimes I think my mother found it difficult to get close to me, because she feared rejection herself (from me). I can remember times when i was a kid and she would say (if i was being 'horrible' to her, as kids can be) 'Why do you hate me so much????'.
Another time I told her i didnt want her to walk me to school, because I was embarrassed being seen with my mum, because i was worried it might look sissy, and that I'd get teased. She, however, assumed it was because I 'didn't want to be seen with her', and got pissed off and got all defensive and annoyed.

[Portia]

Right on Lizbeth! C.J. you said: “because I 'didn't want to be seen with her'” – your mother putting herself before you and you were a child. That’s selfish and inconsiderate I’m afraid.

Wow, C.J. you write well, so expressively. Can I ask a direct question please? You don’t have to answer but it would help me get a better ‘picture’ of you – and I’d like to have a picture. I’m not sure if you’re male or female but I think you’re male. Does it matter? Well yes, to a point. Men and women think differently and some of how your mother and grandfather responded to you will be based on male/female roles/conditioning etc.
You said: “I'm kind of uneasy I've painted my parents in a biased light”.
Everything we say is subjective! We have to be biased sometimes: have opinions, otherwise we never do anything (well, I don’t, can find myself dithering over a decision for so long I lose the opportunity to decide!). It’s okay to be uneasy. How kind of uneasy? What kind of feeling?

Another question! Do you have favourite books or films and do you like animals? (Okay I’m cheating, that’s two questions!)

About your post: I have felt just like you say, but not for long periods. I watch the clouds scurry across the sky and can’t help my spirits lifting, feeling okay just to be alive. Even if it’s raining, cold and blowing a gale, I can still feel life. That’s a blessing I guess? (And a good point for me sometimes is that it doesn’t have to involve anyone else!) Any similarities for you?

I’d like to talk about fear. But I don’t want to scare you away! (Did you smile?)

When you say ‘get on with life’, what do you see ‘getting on with it’ as being? Is it all the normal stuff that other people tell us we should be doing? Or is there your own stuff you want to get on with? I am interested.

Good to read you again – look forward to the next post!   P

[cj]

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[cj]

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