Which is better?

[maitri]

Do kids learn more by seeing me stand up for my rights or are they wounded more by hearing a fight or breakdown now and then?
Do they learn from a quiet, peaceful, orderly home or are they wounded  by my silence and obedience and complacency in the midst of the covert N abuse that we suffer.

Hey Sunny,

I haven't read how this thread developed - just your initial post - but I'd like to chime in anyway if that's ok. As an adult child of an N dad, may I just chip in that I think - as Dr Phil puts it - that "peace at any price" is no peace at all.

I'd agree that children should be spared from seeing emotionally abusive, unfair fighting, cruelty, or god forbid physical abuse, BUT they have a right to see you acting like a human being who is entitled to respect. They will learn from seeing you act in that way, that all people - including you AND themselves - deserve respect and should not have to act like a dormat to maintain peace. They will learn from seeing you act that way that they cannot treat others as servants who will indulge their every whim.

If you need help to learn to communicate your needs with a dignified but firm resolve, get it. Whether it is through therapy (individual or couples), reading self-help books, talking to other, supportive people (like on here!), whatever - DO IT. If your husband will join you in learning better communication, wonderful. If not, do it anyways! You deserve to be treated with respect, and you deserve to speak your needs out loud, and have them met at least some of the time.

Whew - ok, I'll get down off my pulpit now. I'm sorry I'm ranting. I struggle with these issues (about how to ask for what I want) myself, even though I have a supportive husband - I can only imagine how hard it is when your husband is being selfish or difficult. But purely from the point of view of the kids, I'd say it's FAR better for them to see a little fighting now and then - especially if its handled as best as two people who are only human, after all, can handle it - than to see a Stepford marriage where Dad's every whim is met and Mom is living a life of quiet desparation.


I hope that makes some sense, and I wish you luck as you figure out what to do and how to do it. Your love for your kids and your supreme concern for their wellbeing is so ovbious and so touching. Lucky them to have such a caring mommy!!

All the best,
Maitri

[DivineSunshine]

Sela,

Your last post here was touching to me.  I feel like I have been holding my breath forever, and your words to let myself off the hook--so to speak----gave me permission to exhale.  My mind is clearing.  I am breathing calmly.  I have always taken on the responsibility of everything, held my breath, clenched my jaw, and plowed forward with---"Sorry, sorry, sorry" being my mantra.

I have made a vow to stop saying "sorry".  "Whoops", once in a while maybe, (since I realize I am not perfect) but sorry, for nothing, nope.  And shouldering the burden and responsibility for how the N's make me feel.  Especially NH.  Nope.

This was hard because NH has been telling me since I have stood up to him a few times I am to blame, and I need meds because I "obviously have a chemical imbalance", and I have been tweaked just enough to almost believe it.  But of course he would say that when I am pulling his throne out from under him.  Letting him know I will not be his servant any longer.  He would say anything to keep that king status in the house.  Putting all the blame on me because I had the guts to say something.

Thank you.  I have read a lot of stuff talking about how I am co-dependent and an enabler, etc.  And I see that, but, you are right, I don't really need that right now.  It won't help me get to where I need to be strong enough to stand my ground.  And most importantly, love myself.  Tall order for me, but one I am working on.

Namaste,


Sunny

[moonlight52]

Dear DIVINE SUNSHINE,

In any marriage there will be disputes or else we are talking roomates but that is very different than physical abuse children should not be physically abused or see one parent do this to another.Sunny I just do not understand why you stay .Is there physical abuse AND emotional abuse that you are experiencing ?
Who are the n's in your life ?Your husband?anyone else in your house hold?I do hope you will consider doing what is best for yourself.
And then the anger would dissappear .

[/quote/]
I'd agree that children should be spared from seeing emotionally abusive, unfair fighting, cruelty, or god forbid physical abuse .
 But purely from the point of view of the kids, I'd say it's FAR better for them to see a little fighting now and then - especially if its handled as best as two people who are only human, after all, can handle it - than to see a Stepford marriage where Dad's every whim is met and Mom is living a life of quiet desperation.

Do you have a therapist?? Would that help?

In the light

m

[DivineSunshine]

Maitri and all, 

For those who lean towards the children learning a way to stand up to the N's by my example, I have to tell you that, I have witnessed in the past few days my oldest daughter actually fight for her rights with her father by speaking up to him and telling him the truth about his actions and how they affect her.

Both times she had the strength to tell him she told little white lies to him so he wouldn't be angry and cause a scene on my bday, or refuse to let him manipulate her to jump on command and do what he wanted her to do when he told her to do it ---because she didn't want to and she didn't argue with him because she didn't want him to throw a fit and be angry.  She actually TOLD him this.  This is new.  She knows I am in the room to back her up and she finally can rely on me to do so.  So that is something.  So, as long as we are still with the jerk, it is progress to be noticed.

Which brings me to....

Moon,

I don't know why I stay.  Fear and uncertainty and lack of self esteem come to mind.  But these are things I am working like crazy to fix so I can soon get out.  Posting here, knowing I am not alone, and getting encouragment are keeping me on the right path.  The path OUT! 

Hop,

One day, I will, with joy and pride be able to tell you, I have made it out and I am using the legal system to its fullest.  Thanks for your gentle patient prodding.  I need it.

Thanks to all,


With love,


Sunny