I could use a few buddies

[THATONEGUY00]

I could use a few freinds, someone who knows what I am going through. I am new here but have been suffering from invisibility and voicelessness for a while now. I got to tell ya, it hurts ! I moved across country with my fiance to be close to her family and have been here for six months and I still don't raelly know anyone. My fiance is a very successful person at a young age, she just graduated with her masters degree and is always thinking about herself. She is very self absorbed but I love her more than words can say. It really bothered me the other day, when some ppeople at her work made her mad by not thinking correctly for the job they were doing, she was able to realize that their job was an 8 dollar an hour job, so for that amount of money you will not find good help. So she understood why they would approach the job with the kind of attitude they had. she is able to put herself in other peoples postions and understand why they wants what they want and understand their needs. It just is very disturbing that she can not do that for me. I am done trying to explain to her how I feel anymore because I have done so many many times yet she doesn't seem to chang ethings one bit. So since I can see that obviously it is more important for her to worry about her than to worry about why I feel alone when laying next to her, I've just learned to accept the fact that she does not put me in her top five priorities. I guess the wya I figured is, if I want to be with her I have to learn to deal with that. If I lower my needs and expectations of her to none, than I wil lnot be that disappointed anymore. Even though her expectations of me are still very high. Anyone care to comment?

[reallyME]

Yeah, I care to comment.

Anyone who does not value you enough to have empathy toward you, who won't care or listen to what you have to say...is not worth your time nor effort.  I'm a follower of the Bible, and I believe that each person has value of some kind until and unless they prove valueless.  You have as much right to be accepted and appreciated as any other human being, and if this lady cannot offer you kindness and consideration for your feelings, DITCH HER.  Life is too short to spend precious time trying to MAKE someone care about you.  In time, you will find someone you don't have to FORCE into it.  Meanwhile, learn to take care of yourself, because ultimately, THAT is who you end up with, right?

~Laura

[debkor]

Hey ThatoneguyO
Welcome.



Listen very carefully to your feelings.  They will not betray you.   I am very sorry you feel so alone and I understand why you are feeling this way.  We have all been down the same road on this board. Thatoneguyo, you are not voiceless. We are here to listen to you and each other.  Your voice is screaming out to you.
 
If I lower my needs and expectations of her to none, than I wiLl not be that disappointed anymore. Even though her expectations of me are still very high.

ThatoneguyO, I think we all on this board had lowered our expectations and our needs and it almost destroyed us. 

Thatoneguyo I understand you say you love her but isn't love give and take.  Why should you lower your needs and expectations to NONE.  So you will not be disappointed anymore?  Your are not an object hon,. 

You say her expectations of you are very high.  What are they?

Read everything you can on this board.  Look at what we say, look at how we feel or felt. 


Please keep posting.  We are here.  We understand the ups, downs confusion, and all that goes along with it.

We can't tell you what to do, we can listen and share and hold your hand through it all. 

Do not ignore or bury your feeling.

Sincerely,

Deb

[debkor]

I have a saying.

YOU MIGHT BE GOOD OR HAVE BEEN GOOD TO SOMEBODY ELSE. 
BUT YOU WEREN’T GOOD TO ME.
 
Kind of puts things in its perspective when those confused feeling set in.

Deb

[paul]

Thank you fo rthe replies, each one helps. I am a person who up until a few weeks ago was always filled with hope, hope that one day she will realize what I am going through, hope that she will see error in her ways. She has had a bad childhood, starting with her parents splitting at a young age because of her dads unfaithfullness, molestation and various other bad experiences. So I think that maybe she is avoiding dealing with her pain and in turn has developed a hint of narcisism, thinking that no one is going to help her or care for her but her, and that is all that matters to her. Maybe once a week to once a month she is able to open up to me and really show affection, although very little. I see this personality as disoredered, I consider that a disease and like anyone I care about, I will stick around and see to it that as long as it may take me I will make sure she gets help. I will cry for her, I will take the pain for her. Seriously, she is so much fun to be with.

[Leah]

 

[debkor]

Paul,

Reducing yourself to becoming non existent,  Invisible, does not sound fun to me.
You seem to be a really heart filled guy.  You will cry for her, You will take her pain.
Paul she needs to take on her own pain.  You will not make it go away for her.  She needs professional help.  She needs to sought our her own feelings and get free of them. You cannot set her free only she can do that. 
 
Deb

[Sela]

Hi Paul:

Not a very comfortable situation you are in.  Welcome here.

One question:

Who's crying for you; taking your pain; caring for you?

Sela

[THATONEGUY00]

just for the record paul and I are same guy, I forgot to sign in. anyways we are going to go to couples counseling before getting married so hopefully that helps her. But I know that on my end I will do whatever it takes to see that we are a very successful and happy couple,regardless of how uncognitive she is of my feelings. THe thing that really eats at me, that she can be so caring when it comes to her family, and friends.She is so giving to them as well and also to herself. But when it comes to me I guess she just feels like I do not need anything of that nature to loved by her. She thinks that our love should be something that is just known not something we have to constantly remind each other of. Which I do agree to an extent but she lacks in empathy and she lacks big time in the showing affection department, and I tie all that o her first male role model in her life, her father who is a very very bad example

[axa]

Paul,

Welcome here.  My stomach was doing somersaults reading your post.  Well let me tell you from one who lowered her expectations so that they were nothing, it did not get better.  It got worse.  And I stayed with it in the hope that at some stage it would improve. IT DID NOT and I realise that it never would so then I walked...........took a long time.  Today I had a thought about what if I met someone who was charming and felt a red flag go up.  Well Paul, you know what.  Straight away the answer came to me.  I will not waste another moment of my precious life on someone who thought so little of me. I am worth more.  I thnk you are too.

axa

[seastorm]

Hi Paul

You sound like a very caring partner. That is really great but can be pretty destructive to you as well if you think that you can change your partner into something she does not even want to be.  She needs very skilled professional help to deal with the abuse she suffered from her father otherwise she may end up putting it all on you.
When I hear you say that you think your love and understandiing will make her more understanding and empathic I fear for you. She is already pretty self centred and you feel alone in bed.  You could fall into the trap of trying harder and getting less from her. That is what this site has taught me. We all did that and it nearly killed us emotionally.

Keep in touch and keep writing here. You sound lonely and isolated and this can make you vulnerable in an abusive relationship. I moved to a remote town where I did not know anyone so I put all my energy into my partner. I would have been better off developing friendships that would sustain me long after he was gone.

Sea storm

[debkor]

Paul

I understand you are going to be married eventually.  You speak about no matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes, you will take the pain, you will cry for her. Yes Paul she has had a horrible, terrible life and her childhood was stolen.

Paul I don't know what your plans are and if you are going to have children. 
Do you know that everything you are going through so will your children.  Is that acceptable to you?  Will it be OK for them to invisible? Should they lower their expectations and just deal with disappointment will they have to learn to deal with that?  Should they understand that she does not have to show showering affection to your children that her love should just be known and she should not constantly have to remind them that she does?

Paul,
I know this is really hard to think about and deal with and it is so much easier to run from.
I am not saying I am right.  I do not know your situation.  I only know what you have spoken of.
I am not saying she is a bad person.  I feel for her and her childhood.  What horrible things she had to go through. No child should have to go through that. 

Think hard and deep Paul, dig into your very soul.

Love Deb.

[THATONEGUY00]

No one is crying for me, the thing is when I moved here I moved away from my family and all of my friends, so that makes it pretty hard not having any kind of support system. My family doesn't really talk to me alot, not because we don't get along, its just because they are really materialistic people and I am the farthest thing from that. So when we talk on the phone, we really don't have much to talk about and I just can't bear to be able to open up to tham because their motive for everything is money money money. They think everyones problems can be solved with money, all love can be bought with money. So they offer no support at all. All replies are very welcome. I thank you all !!!!

[mudpuppy]

Hi Paul,

anyways we are going to go to couples counseling before getting married

Given the warning signs you are encountering I believe it would be in your best interests if the date you are married is quite some time in the future. It would be very prudent to take the time to see if you and she are able to make siginficant changes in your relationship prior to marriage. I also think if they don't come it would be very unwise to go ahead with marriage. Marriage will not make an unsatisfactory relationship better, but it will legally and morally entangle you with someone who may not prove compatible.

Patience is a virtue, especially when we wish someone to change. It's not a virtue because they change very often. It's a virtue because we see they don't. If she does change great, but it's not something I would be laying any heavy money on..

mud

[THATONEGUY00]

I am very impressed with everyones reception. I will be on all nightafter I get home in about an hour and I will talk more and in detail I am at work right now. I am really not supposed to be on here right now. Would anyone be able to be online later, I would really love to have someone to talk to, no worry I will be alone. My fiance has to go shopping for stuff for her sisters bachelorette party, her and other bridesmaids are going together for a while after work.