Anger and forgiveness

[axa]

I decided to start a thread on this subject which I picked up from Nursie's post.

My feeling is that this is common to many of you but would like to discuss it indepth.

When someone does something to me that I feel is unjust/unfair/abusive I can feel anger but almost immediately I want to forgive, make everything ok and almost pretend that nothing has happened.  I think t his is significant in my being in an abusive relationship.  It kept me hooked in.  It also has something to do with my lack of clear communication. 

I think Ihave given the world amessage that it is ok to treat me badly.  XN used to say to his D, dont worry we can always get round AXA she is a big softie.  I think this passivity is so important for me to look at and again it kicks back into boundaries.

I am very interested in others opinions on this and if it is familiar tothem.


axa

[CB123]

edit

[Leah]

Hi Axa, thanks for taking up this point.

It's funny really, being a nurse, and having studied a bit of psychology, one knows intellectually that what one is doing is not the right thing, but the impulse is unstoppable.

The minute my nH got cross, or when my nMum (still) treats me to one of her 'voices' if you know what I mean, I woud know undeniably that I had done something unforgivable, for which I had to make amends. This would mean hugging, saying sorry over and over, playing the fool, playing the lttle girl, making a nice meal, phoning her to hear by her voice if I was back 'in favour'. Oh, the list goes on.

I still feel that if someone - a friend, a work colleague, even an aquaintance seems less than 100%,
That it must be something I've done that has upset them.
It's ludicrous, I know, but like someone said, one is 'hot-wired' to think in this way.

I'm just starting to creep out of this hell-hole.
What I did to my nH was so out of character and so outrageous, I don't think he'll ever forget it. Neither will I and, between us here, it's one of the best things I've ever done, albeit it backfired on me and I got hurt in a different way at the same time.
Coming to terms with the love I felt(still feel) for the man I left with.

Something has been released from me by it however, and although I know there's a long way to go, I think I've started.

So Axa, and all, feel the anger and act. I'm not saying shout, scream or run off into the sunset with Mr er.. wonderful (?!) but turn your back. Hold your head up.

That's the start.
Updates on the way.

I love you all,
Nursie. x

Nursie,

You have progressed in leaps and bounds!  Well done you, and I just know that you will soon be out of that 'hell-hole" with your head held high and walking on with a smile in your heart.

Love the honesty and clarity of your post, and, still at this very moment, I am amazed how Nmothers are so very much the same.

Hope your day goes well.

Warm thoughts and blessings,

Leah

[Leah]

It's funny really, being a nurse, and having studied a bit of psychology, one knows intellectually that what one is doing is not the right thing, but the impulse is unstoppable.

Thinking and wondering if 'the impulse is unstoppable' is maybe due to one having been suppressed by the continuing onslaught of behaviours from those close to us in our lives ???

One could only live feeling suppressed or oppressed for so long, then maybe one would do something or other, so out of character and so outrageous ??? 

Leah

[Gaining Strength]

Axa - I think "boundaries" is the key word.  CB refers to damage from our FOOs and that is true for me.  I actually go in the opposite direction from you.  I have a tendency to get angry too quickly but I suspect they may be the opposite side of the same coin.  Neither one works very well in the real world.

Rather than try to keep the peace, I tend to find offense in everything.  I feel slighted and lash out.  I know clearly that this has to do with NEVER having any power or any say when growing up. Now I am extremely lonely but trying to let go of bitterness.  I am trying to change this in two ways: practice changing my reaction and trying to get to that deep wound and give healing.  Easier said than done but I know I can do it. - GS

[Leah]

Quote:    "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."  - Oscar Wilde      


interesting, wonder if it would ??

[seastorm]

`Axa, Gainging strenth, Leah

Thanks for bringing up this thread on anger and how we suppress it, or lash out. I think those two ways of dealing with anger are twin sisters of the same problem. Growing up with an N mother I can remember being overwhelmed with frustration and anger at her from an early age. There was nowhere for this to go and so I got labelled as the child in the family with a wicked temper. Looking back I think this temper was both my guide and my nemesis. What I mean is that the anger was huge and justified. There was no one to validate my feelings and they got me into big trouble so I learned to extinguish the anger as quickly as possible. Even though this was terrible unfair.

I think the anger was a reallly good indicator that someone was stepping on my boundaries. The crazy part was that I was not allowed those boundaries. It was downright dangerous to have those boundaries. Much safer to stuff it down and be quiet.  So when there is trouble I keep my head down and hope it will pass. Deep conditioning taught me to do this. I think te only way out of this self-defeating squashing down and numbing out when anger happens is to speak up assertively. It CAN mean that the relationship will go down the tubes very quickly or the friend will be offended and that is the price.
On the other hand I have tried to stop being angry and I find it just goes underground so that intead of getting angry at someone and working it out, I flip into judgement about them and eventully lash out and blow them out of the water.
Axa the numbing out I think is what kept me in the relationship. He also knew the exact right things to say like " I will love you untill the day I die" or "I am in this relationship for good".  I was so terrified of losing him that he picked up on this and couldn't help but test it out.  I let him go farther and farther and my anger was not backed up by action.

The big question and the mother of all guilt and shame is: WHY DID I STICK AROUND FOR THE ABUSE FOR SO LONG AND LET HIM HUMILIATE ME?

Basically, I should have been angry about the violations of my boundaries but I was afraid of being abandoned.  Now....... I need to learn to have a life so that I am not a sitting duck for this from anyone. My ancient childhood fears are still driving the show I thing. Inspite of them, I need to assert myself. I think I can make this agreement with myself. ie. I am not going to let the five year old in me run the show. Recently, I wanted to call my X and ask WHY WHY WHY. Instead I said that I was going to make and adult decision and not call him.

I hope this makes sense. I know this and now I have to act on it.

Gaining Strength,

I know how armoured one can get and I need my armour too. If anyone gets under my skin I start to judge them and when I flip into judgement I am a banshee.  This lashing out gets me into trouble. And it keeps me safe somehow.
I am trying to find a happy medium.  I don't feel safe with people and this has been a lifelong struggle. I take things personally and my skin is too thin.
The price of loneliness is too high though.
You are a dear friend.

Love Sea Storm

[Gaining Strength]

I don't feel safe with people and this has been a lifelong struggle. I take things personally and my skin is too thin.
The price of loneliness is too high though.

As a lonely person I concur, "The price of loneliness is too high."

As I read your post I see something that I have done occassionally in the past that I am going to try to do often.  When I take something personally, later, when alone, I can try to relate it to that original pain and if successful then I am able to defuse the reaction I felt.  I'm going to try this with my other problems.  Thanks Sea - your friend - Gaining Strength