`Axa, Gainging strenth, Leah
Thanks for bringing up this thread on anger and how we suppress it, or lash out. I think those two ways of dealing with anger are twin sisters of the same problem. Growing up with an N mother I can remember being overwhelmed with frustration and anger at her from an early age. There was nowhere for this to go and so I got labelled as the child in the family with a wicked temper. Looking back I think this temper was both my guide and my nemesis. What I mean is that the anger was huge and justified. There was no one to validate my feelings and they got me into big trouble so I learned to extinguish the anger as quickly as possible. Even though this was terrible unfair.
I think the anger was a reallly good indicator that someone was stepping on my boundaries. The crazy part was that I was not allowed those boundaries. It was downright dangerous to have those boundaries. Much safer to stuff it down and be quiet. So when there is trouble I keep my head down and hope it will pass. Deep conditioning taught me to do this. I think te only way out of this self-defeating squashing down and numbing out when anger happens is to speak up assertively. It CAN mean that the relationship will go down the tubes very quickly or the friend will be offended and that is the price.
On the other hand I have tried to stop being angry and I find it just goes underground so that intead of getting angry at someone and working it out, I flip into judgement about them and eventully lash out and blow them out of the water.
Axa the numbing out I think is what kept me in the relationship. He also knew the exact right things to say like " I will love you untill the day I die" or "I am in this relationship for good". I was so terrified of losing him that he picked up on this and couldn't help but test it out. I let him go farther and farther and my anger was not backed up by action.
The big question and the mother of all guilt and shame is: WHY DID I STICK AROUND FOR THE ABUSE FOR SO LONG AND LET HIM HUMILIATE ME?
Basically, I should have been angry about the violations of my boundaries but I was afraid of being abandoned. Now....... I need to learn to have a life so that I am not a sitting duck for this from anyone. My ancient childhood fears are still driving the show I thing. Inspite of them, I need to assert myself. I think I can make this agreement with myself. ie. I am not going to let the five year old in me run the show. Recently, I wanted to call my X and ask WHY WHY WHY. Instead I said that I was going to make and adult decision and not call him.
I hope this makes sense. I know this and now I have to act on it.
Gaining Strength,
I know how armoured one can get and I need my armour too. If anyone gets under my skin I start to judge them and when I flip into judgement I am a banshee. This lashing out gets me into trouble. And it keeps me safe somehow.
I am trying to find a happy medium. I don't feel safe with people and this has been a lifelong struggle. I take things personally and my skin is too thin.
The price of loneliness is too high though.
You are a dear friend.
Love Sea Storm