Spent a lot of time in my car today doing various things and I was thinking about you, Hops. This is so good that you started this thread. There are many layers to what you are going through now with your daughter. One of the layers I was thinking about is what she brings to your relationship by virtue of the unique human being she is. And how it really isn't possible to keep blaming yourself for things from the past. Our children come to us complete. Sure, events and environment have an impact. But children have all the ingredients of a personality in them to start with. They are not a blank piece of paper.
Last fall we went to see our son in NYC. I don't know if I mentioned here something I learned during that visit. It was something that gave me a sense of relief. We spent about three days together. During that time I saw him do about six things that were pure Grampa Bill. My father who died a couple years ago. Who diagnosed himself as Asperger's Syndrome. When I saw my son doing things that my father did in life, mannerisms, speech patterns, reactions, it occurred to me that it might explain a lot about my son and about our very difficult relationship through most of his childhood.
Even when he was a baby, I noticed he did certain things that surprised me and were different from the other children his age. Troublesome things. And I thought it was because I was a bad mother. And actually I was a bad mother. I was a good teenage mother. But a very immature mother.
Anyway, he had/has a different way of looking at life, seeing things, behaving. And to see him 26 years later being just like my father--something clicked for me about it possibly being hard-wired. He spent very little actual time with my father over the years, yet they did have a connection.
What was good about seeing my father coming out of my son was that it occurred to me he is getting comfortable about who his is with all his quirks. He isn't keeping it under wraps like my father learned to do. My father didn't start being his real self until he was actively dying. I understand why he kept himself under wraps all his life. It is not safe or smart to be "weird". But what he missed by keeping his real self inside. What we all missed.
Okay, now I'm getting to the point.
You have mentioned that you fear your daughter has inherited her father's N-traits. I suppose that is possible. But maybe that doesn't matter so much what specific characteristics she has or has not inherited. Because she is who she is. Who she is is not your fault. Fault doesn't even enter into it. She has value in this world no matter what. You have value in this world no matter what. So does your mother and your ex-husband. This is a given. Navigating these relationships is the thing that needs solving.
When I saw this fall that my son is who he is, and always has been, I realized that I screwed up big time by thinking I had to assess and correct and assign blame. Didn't we talk about assigning blame on another thread? That is where I screwed up. Oh the unhappiness that attitude caused. Yes, I learned it in childhood from my parents, peers, neighborhood, school. Yes, yes, yes. But time to cut it out. Time to stop being tied to the past.
Assigning blame, taking on too much responsibility, this is harmful. This adds an extra burden to the relationship. Honesty is always good. But martyrdom is not good. And it is not necessary.
When I finally saw the light with my son this past fall, it was tempting to beat myself up about the wasted years of obsessing about my blame. But the insight I gained also showed me it would be wrong to worry and obsess about that. He doesn't dwell on blame. He is ready to go forward. Me too.
My suggestion is to look at who your daughter is with a new perspective and value what you see. She is herself. You are yourself. The relationship needs work. But who she is and who you are need no work at all. Only the work of acceptance.
It also occurs to me that this is easy for me to say. I'm seeing Aspergers in my son, not N. But I know your heart is big enough to value all the human beings in your life, N or not. And perhaps it will turn out that your daughter is just immature and hurting. I'd bet on that as a matter of fact. But with your generous spirit, I think you are open to whoever she turns out to be. It is just so very important to stop taking on blame and worry.
This is a great thread, Hops. I hope it continues to help you feel better.
Love, Pennyplant
