three months now

[seastorm]

its been three months since my X announced he had found someone else and moved out.  At first I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Trite metaphor but hard to live through.  I found out he had swindled me, slandered me, lied constantly and cheated on me.  I don't know what was worse: my blindness in not seeing any of it or the actions themselves.

Grieving is such a jagged journey. Dealing with the anger that is so black and ugly that I feel. Sometimes wishing I could tie him up with duct tape and make him tell me the truth about everything. Confusion that he does not know the difference between the truth and a lie. Sadness at the death of a marriage and a dream.
Helplessness in dealing with all the financial ramifications. Being to stunned and traumatized to work. I will never be the same person and I have to reinvent myslef from the ground floor up.

I haven't written much lately because it seems like a dirge that I write. The same old stuck in the oatmeal up to the armpits and going in cirlcles grief.  I started to paint again. Spontaneous drawings in red done with my left hand. They are pictures of women talking at a table. Their body language says a lot. Comfort, leaning in to each other. Beautiful hats and whimsical clothes and color. I think the only way out is through art. Maybe not the only way but an opening.
My sister and I are writing a short radio play about two women who love Samuel Beckett for his courage in continuing to be an artist while his mother kept yelling at him, "Just get a job".

I continue to have ghastly flashbacks of the worst that happened. Police arriving. Sobbing at the kitchen table while he laughs with the police. Contempt and scorn. No remorse, no conscience. How did I not see he was such a monster?
I am hainging on by a small margin and paying attention to what keeps me hanging on. They are not always good things. Anger, revenge fantasies, creativity, my cat, my sister, my daughter.
I still have a voice.

Love
Sea storm

[pennyplant]

Yes, sea, you do have a voice.  And it's been only three months since you were hit by the truck.  It takes time, plenty of time.  Seems like you're doing things that will eventually help you heal.  It's okay to share your "dirge".  Sharing will help you and reading will help us. 

Love, Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Hi Sea,
I hope you understand my saying this but your dirge is beautiful.

Your writing is as evocative as your art must be.

I would love to see the women in red and to hear your play!

THIS is healing, creating even through the pain.

I am pretty awed. Yup. Thoroughly.

Hops

[gratitude28]

Thank goodness Beckett didn't listen, eh????
Thank goodness you took advantage of a bad situation, persevered and started rebuilding.
90 days. "Anniversaries" can be rough. The first thirty days are the hardest, don't you think??? Because those are the days when you feel most likely to collapse. You'll never have to do those days over again.
((((((((((((((((sea)))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[Gaining Strength]

Grieving is such a jagged journey.
Yes it is Seastorm.  Your language is so poetic, it shines a beautiful light on grieving.

I will never be the same person and I have to reinvent myself from the ground floor up.
No you won't.  But you will never be the person who allows anyone to con you again.  As you heal you will chose to be a person you never even knew you could be.  As the grieving softens you will be able to choose to be a stronger person, more full of life than you could have ever been before this wretch broke you.

I haven't written much lately because it seems like a dirge that I write. The same old stuck in the oatmeal up to the armpits and going in cirlcles grief. 
a year ago I quit going to my therapist because I was saying the same thing over and over. But I finally realized that it is through the infinite repetitions that we work this pain out.  It may take 100 times until some tiny piece finally unlocks and the another and another until we get something to wrap our minds around and then start the telling all over again.  I know what it is like to get tied of being repetitive but based on my own experience, I strongly encourage you to continue.  Don't worry about anyone here being bored, they can just read something different.


My sister and I are writing a short radio play about two women who love Samuel Beckett for his courage in continuing to be an artist while his mother kept yelling at him, "Just get a job".
Don't give up is a significant theme for us all.  So amazed and in awe of your creativity.

Don' give up Seastorm.  It gets darkest before the light. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[axa]

Sea,

Please keep writing.  I find your writing and outpouring of grief and confusion so helpful to me in my recovery.  I am very grateful for your writings.

It is wonderful to hear you are painting.  I started paining shortly before I threw XN out.  I am never sure about my work as I have not had any formal training and much of my work is non representational.  My friend who is a well known artist came and looked at my work a few days ago.  He told me that he thought I had such subtly of tone(loved hearng this) and he really liked my work.  He thought I should exhibit and felt my work would be well received if I could get it into a gallery.

It felt great to get this affirmation, maybe I can be an artist some day.

About Mr Beckett............ I feel like I am waiting for Godot sometimes.  but as Mrs Beckett would say I think its time I got a job.  Working on it right now.

love to you all

axa

[Gaining Strength]

He thought I should exhibit and felt my work would be well received if I could get it into a gallery.

WOW!  Get a job around art that will allow this gift to grow! - GS

[pennyplant]

a year ago I quit going to my therapist because I was saying the same thing over and over. But I finally realized that it is through the infinite repetitions that we work this pain out.  It may take 100 times until some tiny piece finally unlocks and the another and another until we get something to wrap our minds around and then start the telling all over again.

I read a book once by a therapist, wish I could remember the title, people here might like to read it.  He talked about a client of his who wasn't making a lot of progress.  He struggled to find a tool this person could use.  It turned out that the client had a letter his mother had written to him.  It was a horrible letter full of cruel things and just spewing.  The therapist asked his client to read it out loud.  It was a very hard thing to do.  But they were on to something.  He read that same letter out loud week after week.  He tried it in different voices, emphasizing different aspects.  Read it from different points of view.  It revealed everything terrible that his mother had done.  It revealed everything about him that was affected by his mother.  It revealed everything about himself as well. They spent weeks and weeks on that letter.  It turned out that the terrible letter was really a gift.  It held the secret to unlocking the clients depression.  And in fact, even though it was the same words each week, the same piece of paper, it was not the same letter each time.  There was great wealth in it.  The client got his voice back through this method.  That made a huge impression on me to read about this approach to healing.

Maybe we are doing something like it here.  Our dirges hold the secret to our healing.  Our dirges do not have to be boring or repetitious if we really look at them and explore every level.  They can be healing.

[Gaining Strength]

Wow Pennyplant - that is powerful.  I think you have something about us - I know that where our emotions are charged points the way to where we are stuck.  Thank you - GS

[debkor]

Hey Sea,

The men fought from holes dug int he ground - "trenches" and it was difficult to attack. So, both sides started to use really large number of large artillery cannons. Many MILLIONS of shells were fired back and forth in continuous artillery attacks that lasted for days. The explosions were tremendous - so huge that men who were near the front lines were shocked into complete unconsciousness just by the force of the explosions of shells many yards away.

Thousands of men had severe mental and physical effects from these bombardments - in some cases they had amnesia, they often had no visible wounds but would be found wandering in a daze, not knowing where they were going or who they were. In many cases this condition would last for many days or even months. This is the origin of the term shell-shocked

This is pretty much how I felt.
All  those bombs being dropped  and I was in the front line.  Couldn't handle all those bombs one right after the other.   So many attacks, boom, boom, boom,  boom. I was shocked into  complete unconscious by the force of the explosions my ex was dropping just yards away from me.  I was too shocked to be aware that those bombs were going to destroy me.    I was dazed, confused, not knowing who I was, where I was going.  It lasted me  quite sometime.   I came out of shock looked around and seen that the big one was coming and it would be a direct hit.  I wanted to survive. Surviving would mean fight back and getting to safe grounds.  Take myself out of the line of  fire.
I did, you did.

Having Flashbacks. Very  normal.  You just got to safer grounds sea.  Your out of shock now.

Anger releases chemicals in your brain, which then cause the changes in your body that you can feel. These changes give you extra strength and alertness so that you are ready to protect yourself from danger, stand up for your rights or run away to keep yourself safe. a sort of mini ''super hero'' change

It's okay to feel angry about something but it''s NEVER okay to hurt someone because you feel angry.

Learn to control or use your anger in a positive way."


Claps, BRAVO!   You used your anger in a positive way. 
Wow I guess, we are kinda  our own  mini superhero's
Never thought of it that way but one of the web sites that my 12yr old son looked at says so.  That is where the explanation of Anger came from.  Short and simple.   This old dog found she can learn new tricks from her 12 old looking through his eyes.

Love Deb