"Left to Tell" by Immaculee Ilibagiza

[Gaining Strength]

More than ten years ago I bought Norman Vincent Peale's The Power of Positive Thinking.  I read it and digested it but I couldn't quite get it into practice.  But I keep going back to the concept and I keep finding more and more authors writing about the same idea.  This past year I have really set me mind to change the way that I think. 

Over the past couple of weeks I began to slide a little.  I could tell because at first I was just getting testy.  Looking for things that my mother does that are SO N!!  Really taking her inventory so I could feel a little sorry for myself that she is my mother rather than someone nurturing and caring.  (This was a little red flag.)  Then I started getting angry again, raging over little things, calling them big and refusing to mend my ways. (This was a large red flag.)  And then I quit getting things done as I had been doing and I began feeling underweather and just slipping into a little darkness and posting about loneliness and selfpity. (Now the red flag is humongous!)

Just in time, came a book that, along with the wise posts from my Voicelessness friends, has turned me around again.  For the first time I recognize that this slide is part of the process and I will not criticize myself for it.  This book - I want to share with my friends here, is Left to Tell.  It is the most astounding story by a woman who survived the Rawandan holocost by hiding out in a space with 6 other women for a couple of months.  A space so small they were literally on top of each other.  She writes of the doubts and mental struggles and physical struggles they endures while hearing the murderers com looking for them time after time and learning of the deaths of their loved ones while they were locked in a tiny bathroom, wasting away from lack of food.

She used prayer and goals and visualization to keep her going.  These are all things that I have heard over and over about.  I read them and hear them in varying contexts and yet I have not implemented them.  The frustration and victimization that I feel are real enough but I KNOW and believe that when I turn my attention from this to my goals that the good will begin to flow. 

This book along with everything I read here confirms the truth of what I know.  I felt truly changed yesterday as I read more and more of this book.  One of the most helpful things was reading how her doubts played out.  They were strong and she found prayer to help her counter those doubts.  It is a message that made sense to me.  I was the parallels in my own life except that she was facing situations so much greater than mine and yet she was able to come through. 

My prison is a psychological one and though I can not see right now how I continue to give my power to my N and Nish parents I see the clear evidence that I continue to do that.  But I have overcome several attitributes that I developed - several CO-Nish behaviors.  I will keep that in my mind as encouragement that I can and will overcome these others.    I see the courage in each of your eyes and I see how close so many of you are to breaking through that next barrier and I receive your encouragement to help my over my next barrier.  I am afraid of the consequences of breaking the Ns rules but I have already paid that price and thanks to you all and to the extraordinary example of Immaculee Ilibagiza I can break through this last, powerful barrier and become the person I know I was meant to be.

I was led here to give and to receive.  I was led here to experience, for the first time, true nurturing and real encouragement and I will not squander what I have received.  I am afraid but if you CB123 can overcome your fear and you WRITE can get past your struggles and you Pennyplant can have courage to get the right job and you Hops can have courage to move on after a terrible work experience and your Gratitude can get past your fears of inadequacy and I can keep listing and listing.  Is you can do these things then I can set a goal and not waiver from it.  I will keep coming to this well for courage and refreshment and I will move on and overcome the darkness of the Nishness in my life.  I will learn to love and to flourish and in doing that I will overcome that victimhood position I have been waiting to be released from.

The story of Immaculee Ilibagiza is a powerful story and she wrote it for all of us to be encouraged.  I am thankful to her and to you all.

[moonlight52]

GS

What a story .A BIG THANK YOU FOR PRESENTING IT......WHAT COURAGE
FEAR AND DOUBT are hard to get thru I once held so much fear and now am more able to examine goals and life perspectives from a place of kindness .

I am holding love in my heart .And so grateful ....
It is good to be in the here and now and centered.


GS YOU HAVE BEEN HONEST AND INSPIRING ALWAYS

Much love

moonlight

[DivineSunshine]

Gaining Strength,

I have been wanting to read that book!  I listen to Hay House Radio A lot  on my ipod while I do other stuff and they focus on positive stuff. I have also recently read and seen The Secret.  I love it all!  It resonates with me!    I have been struggling because I want to be positive.  I hesitate to post here because right now in the beginning of posting, I feel so wrong for being angry and NOT positive that I wonder if I am doing the right thing. 

It seems though, if I don't vent, then I become complacent and go nowhere.  I fight no battles and I don't grow.  I see that by coming here, I have learned from each of your struggles before me and take to heart every word of advice and encouragment. And I release steam and find a way to think things through.   I just really fight in my mind.  I don't know if this is the correct process.  Should I just love my N and forgive (them) and just try to be positive?  Good affirmations?  Love and Light?  Or do I let the anger out and find a way out?  (And hope it doesn't come back as karma and bite me in the bu**!!!)

I think YES I should just be positive and forgive and ignore it.......and then he does something so out there---I can't believe it.  If I don't write it or let it out, I go down a very dark tunnel of despair.  I still live with him.  He still "pokes me in the eye" many times a day---figuratively speaking.  He is still so egotistical I want to smack him.  And so emotionally abusive it boggles my mind.

I DID ignore it for YEARS, and I am not in any better place.  So I am thinking, what do I do?  Just meditate and concentrate on a great life no matter what he says or does to me?  Maybe.

I guess the best revenge is living a great life.  I just need to imagine one without him in it.  Now THAT's POSITIVE THINKING!!!!  I am sure the forgivness will come. 

Thanks for your post! GS!  You got me to put into words something about this issue that has been really on my mind lately.

Namste & Peace,


Sunny

[DivineSunshine]

CB,

Hang in there girl!  I read about your new T and sounds like a good thing for you.  Time will tell.  I am sorry to hear he is being an idiot.  Stay strong.  And like you say, don't let him provoke you!

I can't believe he is pushing this to court!  But yet, I know exeactly what you are dealing with.  At least he is in another home.  And you will be soon too.  I honestly don't know how you hold up.  But, I guess it's like running a marathon, you are so exhausted and want to just sit down in the street and cry, but something pushes you forward, and you gain self-respect and a second wind the closer you ge to the finish.   But something tells me you WILL finish the race.  And you will win!

It is always darkest just before the dawn----heard that somewhere recently.  Maybe even here.  I read so much lately I can't keep track, but it makes me keep my chin up and my hopes up.  Hope it does you too. 

Be well!  I remember reading a bit back that you had migraines?  I heard a neurologist on the radio recently say to hold ice in your hands or stand on something very cold....it brings the blood down from your head.  I don't know, I've only had one migraine and I don't wish to have another!  Sorry to hear that bothers you.  Yuck.

She also swears by Sam-e to help your brain naturally to keep the seratonin and norapinepherine(sp?) levels up since high stress tends to "strip those gears".  Between that and writing here I HAVE avoided snapping and losing it with my idiot.  6 whole weeks now.  800-1600 mg/day on empty stomach.  The only cost effective way to get it is Sam's Club or Costco.  But I have found I can actually cope and smile to myself at his nonsense, for once, in a long time.  I won't bug ya about it, but I just thought I'd mention it.

Take good care!  I am rootin' for you!  You are a beautiful person and you deserve all the best.

Namaste,

Sunny

[DivineSunshine]

GS,


Talk about idiots!  I just realized I hi-jacked this post!  Very sorry!

Immaculee Ilibigiza.  I know of her story and it is amazing.  I told my NH about it, and he just shrugged.  Oh well.  She is amazing.  Did you see her on PBS (USA).  Wayne Dyers special.  It made me cry.  Her story is VERY intriguing.  I am gonna pick up her book this week.  It's beginning to look like a library beside my bed!

Thanks for the wise words.

Namaste,

Sunny

[Gaining Strength]

DivineSunshine - hijack away.  You are writing about important stuff.  I want to go back to your post.

You still live with Nh.  What the positive thinking and the other stuff is calling you to do is not ignore what Nh does nor to dismissively forgive nor to continue to rage but to dig deep inside and to begin to change YOU.  Go an get LEFT TO TELL.    It really is a life changing book.  She went deep inside herself and prayed endlessly while cramped in a tiny space for three whole months.  She learned to forgive and to hear God's voice for herself as her family was betrayed and murdered by people who had been their very friends.

I thinkg the message from The Secret is much the same.  Begin to find small or large things to be thankful for.  Each and every time your Nh pokes you in the eye find some gratitude to focus on such as being thankful that you have that eye. 

Now it is incredibly pompous for me to give advice to you.  I have not learned to do this but I am in the beginning stages because I have heard this message in many ways for almost 10 years.  The first time i really got it was during a bible club for kids in an afterschool program I was running and this lady had them memorize verses that included one from Thessalonians (I forget book, chapter and verse) that is something like this: In everything give thanks for this is the will of God concerning you.  I was immediately struck by "In everything".  I realized that this was a significant command but I was not quite willing or able to do it.  yesterdays Oprah featured some of the voices from The Secret and they we again talking about the inescapable significance of having an attitude of gratitude.  I finally see how that attitude is what I need to shift out of self-pity, the wait for rescue, the powerlessness, the victim.  If I am grateful I can not be ashamed.  If I am grateful I can not be downtrodden. 

Anyway - that is not to say that you should be grateful for being mistreated but turn your focus to find what you are grateful for and keep you attention there.  And then go read LEFT TO TELL.

[Overcomer]

Dear GS:  You are not alone in this.  How we all can fall back into familiar dysfunctional patterns.  The only thing I was able to do today when my nmom and I went right back into samo, samo.....................was get amused.  How ludacris for us to rehash all the same tired arguments.  Albert Einstein said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  Well, if I sit in my nmoms office one more time and listen to her absurdity - then I am insane.  I had so much resolve today.....a little frustrated by the redundency of the situation and PMSing......but I still found it humerous.  See if you can detach yourself from the same behaviors and watch the interaction as an impartial bystander (imagine your N sounding like Minnie or Mickey) and I promise it will be hard to keep the smile off your face!

[Dazed1]

Hi GS,

I'm familiar with the story of Immaculee Ilibagiza.  I saw her interviewed on TV.  She and her story are beyond amazing.

Also saw some of Oprah amd the Secret.  Looks good, maybe I'll check it out.

Glad you found meaning and strength in "Left to Tell".

Love,
dazed

[Hopalong]

Amazing, amazing woman. I am so glad she lived to tell.
So ashamed of the "civilized world" for humming while they died.

Hops

[Hopalong]

Sunny,
I think part of love, real love, is love and respect for the sacred life you have been given.

That means protecting it. Not letting it go to waste under an abusive man's boot.

Please keeping those positive thoughts that move you forward.

You don't deserve this.

Hops

[Leah]

What's  "The Secret" - is it a film?

Thanks,

Leah

[Gaining Strength]

It's a film (DVD) and a book.  I read about it on the New York Times best sellers list and looked into it.  The film was produced by an Australian woman who "discovered" the secret by researching ancient religious truths.  She produced a film to be distributed as a DVD. I guess the book is more or less a transcript of the book.  But the "secret" is simply the Law of Attraction which basically states that we attract to us to same as we put out, in terms of energy levels, to the universe. 

That's the best I understand - in a nutshell.

[DivineSunshine]

GS wrote:

I was led here to give and to receive.  I was led here to experience, for the first time, true nurturing and real encouragement and I will not squander what I have received.

Agreed!

I, too, feel I was led here.  I feel I have found, if I may, sisters and a few brothers, I never had.  I have never known unconditional love.  People who can hear you and listen, really listen.  And encourage and share.  And not make judgments or ridicule.  These things I have never known and I am feeling stronger every day.  Kudos to everyone.  I never see a post that goes unanswered or ignored.  You are all brilliant and beautiful!

You have all been like the answer to my prayers and and my soul's searching for help in this confusing situation I find myself.  I hope to be able to continue to learn and grow as I visit here.  And I wish the same for everyone here.

Namaste,

Sunny