Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Dodging Bullets
phoenix:
bye
Lizbeth:
Hi Phoenix, I am in Rosz' camp as well, just am not quite as brave, though, as I said, it is getting better (with the help of my wonderful Hubby and the time I spent with a therpist). I was always afraid if I did stand up for myself, I would not be loved any longer or be shut down or punished in some way. The times I have voiced my disapproval or disagreement with others than my husband (he's safe, you see) have worked out well and it makes me stronger for the next time. But I waft in and out of that bravery and when I manage to do it and it turns out well, I keep on asking my husband about it afterward (did I really do ok, etc.).
Just had an instance with my sister yesterday where she lied to me and I stood up to her about it and when she tried to defend herself by projecting her guilt back onto me, I very calmly told her I didn't buy it and that what she did was wrong, etc. I love my sister very much, we have never had a fight in our entire lives together, so this was very painful for me, and I am just now starting to calm down. But I am happy with how I handled it. I am growing by bits and starts.
I have been standing up for my sister and my brother my entire life, it is standing up for myself that I have trouble with. I always want to retreat back into my safe mode for fear of what? Everything that happened to me in my childhood comes into play as I'm making that split second decision on what to do.
I do, however, practice complete "ignore" and "no contact" with my two N ex-husbands since my children are now grown men. Am going to have to practice that with my N son as well, once he decides to contact me again when he's hit bottom of whatever mess he is apt to be in by now.
Lizbeth:
Jacmac, I know about N boss'. I had one for 7 years back when I did not know how to defend myself or stand up for myself at all (no way, no how). She was so awful that I ended up on tranquilzers just to deal with her. I needed my job. I had two young children to support and NO child support coming from either of their N fathers. This job gave me a halfway decent salary and very good benefits. I had preexisting medical conditions that they accepted immediately, as well. I could not quit, though I sorely wished I could have done so, as you did.
The company lost its contract with the goverment after I was there for 7 years and we shut down. My boss was one of the first to go, I was one of the very last 3, because I was necessary to keep the place running, and N was not. That made me feel good, though the years dealing with her were very damaging to me.
The job I have now I have had for 13 years and I have learned to stand up for myself with my boss' (they are not quite as N) and that has turned out well, mostly because I am indespendable to keeping the place running (I can pat myself on the back about that because it is true, not being N when I say it). I also help my husband run our part time business, which helps my self-esteem as well.
But I am still a very big chicken, trying to shed my feathers and turn into something else (a swan, perhaps?)
Lizbeth
phoenix:
bye
phoenix:
bye
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