Hi everybody,
By way of an introduction, I'm a 31 year old, married mom of a toddler son. I've been treated for depression in the past and in the course of that, I spent a few years seeing a very talentend and helpful therapist who very literally changed the way I looked at my life. I'm a much healthier, happier person because of the work I've done, and it's been many years since I've felt depressed.
However, this past few months has been pretty unnerving. My mother called in September to tell me she had left my father, (who I had decided during the course of my therapy has NPD). At first I figured she was just sick and tired of his grandiose personality, his moodiness, etc... but, bit by bit, I started to flash back to something he had said several years before; he got very drunk on a visit to my house, and told my husband and I that "open marriages" were the only type of marriage that could succeed, and we'd better get with the program. He said that he and mom had been living that way for years. Then, after he sobered up a bit, he told us never to tell my mother what he had told us, because she'd be horrified that we knew. I buried both the conversation, and the rage I felt at him betraying mom's privacy and putting me in a position of keeping secrets (so reminiscent of events from my childhood....) As a matter of fact, the walls started closing in around me shortly after this all happened, and it was the final straw that tipped me into depression and ultimately to therapy.
Anyhow. I finally plucked up the courage to tell my mom what Dad had told me about their 'open marriage' and she just sobbed and sobbed. Apparently, what he thought was an open marriage, she experienced as sexual abuse. He co-erced her with the usual NPD tricks (withdrawl, threats, verbal abuse, sulking, belittling, etc etc) until she agreed to do anything to keep their marriage from breaking up becase of her 'prudishness' as he would put it.
So, when all of this came out into the open, I thought for a few weeks and decided that I couldn't, just couldn't, have my father in my life or god forbid, that of my son. My husband has always been very quiet on the topic of my father, except to say that he thought my dad was ridiculously manipulative and should be around us all as little as possible for our best mental health. So he supported my decision fully - with relief that I'd finally seen him "for what he is" in fact.
My father sent one last letter before I told him I couldn't have him in my life. I couldn't face reading it - it made me throw up to think about it, because I knew it would be a litany of manipulation - so I asked my husband to read it and give me bullet points. It was eleven pages of barely-coherent, blatantly untrue statements about his marriage, (he wrote that the swinging stuff started just one year ago, and was his way of trying to make sure mom was fulfilled while he struggled with Erectile Dysfunction! After he had told me himself, 7 years ago, that they had an open marriage because it was the only way to have a sucecssful marriage! Argh I get so angry when I think of the lies....), all mixed in with stories of his painful battle with colon cancer (first and last anyone heard about it) and heart disease (likewise), and regrets about how he was sorry to hurt me, and how much he missed my son.
I responded and told him I hadn't read his letter and didn't intend to, and that I would pray for his improved physical and mental health. That was the last connection we've had. My brother tried to hear Dad out, just telling him that he wanted to be there for him, and that the only condition was that he stopped talking about what other people were doing (e.g. mom) and focused on what he was doing. Dad never replied to my brother's email in which he said that, and has told my aunt that my brother and I are 'against him'. He now refers to us in talking to my mother (via his lawyer) as 'her children'. I think that says it all.
The pain of cutting my Dad out of my life has caught me offguard. I literally dream at night sometimes about the pain I'm causing him, and I wonder about the future and whether I should try and re-establish some sort of minimal contact.
Logically I know this would fail, and I'm just trying to soothe the pain of losing my father. I always hoped that despite his NPD he wasn't REALLY hurting anyone, and that by living relatively far away and limiting his participation in my life, I'd be able to 'wait it out' until he 'grew up'. I see that as denial, now, and so although I had 'accepted' his NPD before, this is the first time I've really had to deal with the reality that it's worse than I thought and it's not going away.
I'm also wrestling with the old demons of how to set up boundaries, but this time, with mom and my aunts. My mom isn't blameless in all of this - she means well but she blurts things out - lilke the line about my Dad calling my brother and I 'her children' - that I really don't want to hear. I'm hurting enough already. I'm trying hard to employ everything I've learned in therapy, to cope. I'm doing well, most of the time. But it's hard, and as much support as my husband has been (it sounds cliche but we're literally closer than ever as a result of all this - I've forced myself to share with him, even when I was 'scared to be a bore / scared to show him I was hurting in case it was tedious' - and he's responded really, really well), I could use the support of people who understand.
So, I find myself here. I've been reading your posts, and I see a lot of wisdom, kindness and love in this board. I'm grateful to have found it, and I'm grateful to anyone who makes it to the end of this incredibly long post!
All the best to all of you in all your journeys.
Maitri
ps: I chose my screen name because in Buddhism - which is becoming a great comfort to me - it means, "Loving-kindness to oneself; the prerequisite of compassion for others." It's what I aspire to, and I wish it for us all.
