Working stuff out - boring thread

[Leah]

Well done  (((( GS ))))

Wonderful news - encouraging and exciting.

You are clearly working ever so well through stuff, have noticed this on your recent postings.

So happy for you GS.

Leah x

[Gaining Strength]

I failed at a project that I was working on with someone.  We are revising some gamebooths for a school carnival in May.  She wanted to have a luncheon for room mothers of 4K - 2nd grade.  All the plans were left to me.  I hit a snag in trying to get the room, in the expense of the food (she wanted it catered, I wanted to cook at home), getting the list of room mothers, figuring out the logistics (one room had SIX roommothers, others 3 and some just 1). Blah, blah, blah.  It was a great idea - lunch - meet, talk, plan.  Right up my alley.  I loved all of it - except the $$$$$$.  Way out of line with the concept.

I could not figure it out and I got stuck.  Stuck in figuring out how to make it work, how to meet her needs, how to get out of a situation that I could not afford.  Stuck, paralyzed.  Couldn't call.  Saw her at church on Sunday.  She didn't mention it.  I couldn't - stuck.  she called several times yesterday but my phone was in the car.  (lunch supposed to be today)

I called this morning and left a yammering message about the jumbled mess of trying to figure it all out.  I am not posting in order to get advice about what I should have done or what I can do now but because this is a perfect microcosmic example of what I am going through in my day to day life.   I have a goal, bump into some hurdles - not insurmountable - but hurdles.  These hurdles reflect back some inadequacy in me, I freeze - dear in the headlights freeze.  No way out - going down!!!

 Of course there is a way out - very obvious - "dear - don't stop - keep running - ten feet - one leap and you are out of danger!!!!!  Jump dear!!!"  Very obvious!!!!! - only problem - dear paralyzed.

I find myself actually empathizing with her and her frustration but this time I am not going to go down any of my normal paths: I am not going down a path of shame for failing here - I am using this as a tool to unlock the bigger problem; and I am not going to refuse to try again.  I am going to work through this and come out a little less paralyzed and a little more capable of extricating myself from psychologically confining  situations.

thanks for listening.  It is so extraordinarily helpful to come here and work out my struggles with kind, caring people.  Not limit to the depth of my gratitude. - Gaining Strength

[CB123]

You're doing great, GS.

Step by step.  No quick fix, is there?  This isnt about doing, it's about seeing.  And you are.

If you could see me, you would see that I am rising out of my seat, clapping furiously. 

CB

[pennyplant]

I can't resist saying, GS, that I think your partner had an agenda and wasn't working with you very well.  As soon as you mentioned her idea of expensive catered lunch as opposed to your idea of something more affordable and casual, I knew there had to be something more afoot with your partner.  I have run into similar scenarios at school-type things.  Many, many parents use these types of events as a way to look good in front of the other parents.  They want to make a certain impression.  You wanted to be more genuine and project oriented.  She wanted something else out of this.  I think the deck was stacked against you because of her personal agenda.

That said, I'm glad you told us about how it went and how you are learning from it.  This is very good and a turning point no doubt.  Just go forward now and no need to beat yourself up about it.  Learn from it.  That's the best thing of all.  ((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))

Pennyplant

[Dazed1]

Hi GS,

I am not going down a path of shame for failing here - I am using this as a tool to unlock the bigger problem; and I am not going to refuse to try again.  I am going to work through this and come out a little less paralyzed and a little more capable of extricating myself from psychologically confining  situations.

YAYE!!!!!!!!!!

A new dawn is dawning.

Sounds like you're taking your "problems" as blessings by using them as opportunities to experiment with new ways of thinking and doing.  Lemonade from lemons.  Delicious.

In a quiet moment the world shifted from, "Oh late again, I can't get it right  This is so frustrating." to "Wow.  Dressed, fed, happy, delivered and only 1 minute late.  How did I do that!" 

So good to hear that your view is shifting.  EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Break thru!!!!!!!

love,
dazed

[Gaining Strength]

She wanted something else out of this.  I think the deck was stacked against you because of her personal agenda.

Thanks PP you are probably right but I meant to add to my list of doing things in a new way that I am not going to look at her part because if I keep my focus on changing my actions then I can keep my emotional balance.  I really did need some help out of this pickle and she didn't say anything on Sunday so there probably is real frustration on her part but none of that matters.  The lunch thing was just an idea she had and it was all on my shoulders to make it happen.  In truth, nothing is lost (and just a little money saved.)  But if I keep my focus on my part then I can figure out what I can do differently next time and I am definitely making progress.  I am so thankful to understand how this psychological paralysis took over and even more thankful to begin to experience a small but clear change in this pattern. 

I am able to say, "Nope, sorry, I'm not having any "shame" feeling right now."  Just the way I told my mother, "Nope, sorry, I'm not having any sad sympathy feelings for my father even though the story IS sad.  Those feelings are simply too dangerous for me.  Sorry."  I read about someone years ago, stopping their angry feelings before they got out of hand.  I was mesmerized by that concept  and could not imagine how to do that but I am so very thankful that I have learned.  It sounds similar to "denying" them but it is quite different.  I am learning to change the physiological response to certain emotions such as shame.  It is a "false" brain response.  I learned that technique in a book by a psychiatrist who specializes in OCD. 

I am generating positive feelings using affirmations and visualizations.  And I am getting over negative feelings by identifying them as false brain functions established years ago to protect me but causing problems now.  This is what I am doing.  It has taken me since last June to get all the pieces of this puzzle.  That's no so long in relative tems.   Thanks for this place and for each and every one of you. - GS

[pennyplant]

Okay, GS, I think I understand better what you are doing with this experience.  It is different from how I approach similar situations, but it is definitely working for you.  I can learn from this too.  There are so many ways to navigate through life.  I think I was very sheltered most of my life.  I think it is good that there are so many choices.  We can each find a way that fits comfortably.

You know I was tempted earlier to add more to my comments and now I'm glad I ran out of time.  It would have been me "fixing" again.  And you sure don't need fixing  .  You're doing just fine.  Really well, as a matter of fact.

Love, Pennyplant

[Gaining Strength]

CB - I think I get what you are saying.  When I start to feel that slimy feeling of depression coming over me I am chosing to change my attitude and be grateful about something and then - lo and behold - my feeling of depression has given way to a feeling of gratitude.  When my son's actions flick my "flustration" switch then I try to remember how truly grateful I am to have that problem and - lo and behold - my heart feels soft and mushy again.

So even though I can't change my feelings, I can change my attitude and that just may well lead to a softer more cushiony feeling.

PP - I am so curious about what you might have posted but even still I am muddlilng through this mess and finding definite progress.  I have lived so down in the dumps for so long.  I really needed an change in attitude but could not for the life of me see how to get it.  I really believed that I could only do that if the externals changed.  And a few times in life when something good happened I was happier and hopeful.  But now I am beginning to believe that by changing the internal view I will begin to see the external things begin to change.  And even if it doesn't I will feel better, and I do.

[pennyplant]

Yes, GS, I have a similar challenge in letting go of the external causes of my emotions and wanting instead to build my own and strengthen them without constantly being let down or upset by the events and people in my life.  I now do think that happiness is possible regardless of what is happening in one's life.  I've known people who have that ability.  It is hard though.  I'm not sure what I have to work with inside of me. 

My comments that I ended up not making would have been more analysis of the other people involved in your particular situation with the parents at school.  In trying to let go of the external "causes" of my emotions I tend to try to really get below the surface of other people's motives, etc. and realize how often they have little or nothing to do with me.  That is how I teach myself that it is not personal and that is how I am then able to focus on what is really happening inside of me.  It is how I try for some kind of detachment.  For me, this is something of a reality check and it does help me with what I'm doing.  But that is my method.  I don't wish to impose that on you.  In fact, I didn't mean to make you curious by being mysterious!  Most of my posts use this way of analyzing things that happen or happened to me and that works for me.  So, I wasn't going to say anything terribly unusual, just more detailed or deeper than my first comments.

I'm beginning to realize that I need to listen more.  I am not going to stop analyzing.  I am going to add listening to the mix.  What makes me think I know so much about what is going on with other people's lives?  I'm just guessing sometimes.  Filling in.

Well, it's getting late.  We have birthdays at our house tomorrow.  I better get some sleep so I can wake up and get ready.

Good night all.

Pennyplant