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Have you experienced stalking?
Kims Man:
There are certainly degrees of stalking. People have different styles, and I think a narcisit is more likely to be a low key stalker, at least my ex-wife is. I also think they would not comprehend that they're a stalker. My ex-wife certainly wouldn't.
What I've experienced is being spied on, seeing my ex in the distance watching me. She refuses to call to arrange visitation with my kids, but will show up unannounced and bang on my door and "chain call" my phone. I won't answer the door when she just shows up.
She's misrepresented herself to my company to obtain my business travel plans, including forging my name on a request and faxing it in. (I found out about this when I got a call from someone saying they had just faxed me the information I requested.)
I've been called at Hotels where I'm staying to the point that I use my first name as my last name at Hotels now. I got a call from a hotel once informing that the signiture on the request for my detailed billing from that hotel did not match my signiture on file and they wouldn't be able to send me the information I had requested (obviously, my ex-wife requested this, not me.)
She'll chain call my phones.. dozens of times in an hour.. as if I'm supposed to drop everything when she calls. And remember.. I get these calls at hotels, and when she thinks she needs to talk with me, but I CAN'T get a return call to arrange to pick up my kids for visitation.
With me, except for the unnanounced drop bys and frantic multiple phone calls (which aren't constant.. once or twice a month) her stalking is not so much in my face. Catching her spying.. knowing she takes my mail.. I've missed payments because I never got bills a few times. I get 1000 times more attention now than when I lived with her. Seeing her driving by or following me.. without ever confronting me.. The hard part for me is knowing I have absolutely no privacy. She's gotten my bank statements, phone bills (She's called the numbers on my phone bill.) I might sound paranoid, I guess. I don't think I am. I'm not even overly concerned. I just feel violated at times. She neglected me for 2 decades. I wish she could do that now!
rosencrantz:
It's scary, isn't it - I've often felt that my mother acted more like an unrequited lover than a mother. It would at least make more sense!!! In fact (realisation) my first boyfriend was like that!!
I've never lived close enough and she's never been mobile enough to physically stalk me. But that phrase 'chain calling' is a good one to describe what she does. But she stopped most of the contact once my son was born so it's really all in the past. She doesn't phone at all, now.
She recently described how I once put the phone down on her and she just kept talking and I kept picking up the phone and putting it down. She reckoned my husband was picking it up and telling me to be nicer to her (he would NOT!). I've struggled to remember this and I have a vague memory of pressing the loudspeaker button on the phone and finding her still there, still talking. She expressed deep genuine hurt and so it sounds awful of me but at the same time, it's an example of her resistance to anyone else's reality.
"Please stop going on at me, mum". She'd continue relentlessly until I'd be desperately begging her to stop. Still her total inability/refusal to stop forcing herself on me. I now see it as her trying to force me to 'be' the person she wanted me to be -or 'be' her - something like that.
She even got a postal vote for me and voted 'as me' in the national parliamentary elections!!!
'Be mine' seems to be the message. It makes me feel creepy, sad, sorrowful, but ultimately my answer is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
But at the same time, I asked her what on earth she was doing to herself, keep on talking when someone has rejected her, pretending that things are other than they are...I was trying to be gentle, but I felt : does she have no self-esteem whatsoever that she can't control herself in this kind of situation. I become the ugly ogre in the story of unrequited love...but what is she???
These days I know she doesn't want to risk the rejection. Or maybe she thinks she's punishing me by not calling. Who knows...
Two wicked witches of the West....
Anonymous:
Thanks, all. Rosencranz, his dad was an alcoholic, they moved a lot, and thought they were oh so special. His mom actually told me he had the best of everything, and the ex told me he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. They were upper middle class, living on credit. They had no friends, just people they "helped" and told about, and people they sought and adored with more money than they had. The no friends was the first thing I noticed, as I come from a blue collar, rural, nonmobile family, and friends and their support was very important to us. He was an only child, his mother was intrusive and controlling; she actually opened and read our mail.
This story might explain. They gave us a chest freezer. We were moving away (from them), and so called and asked if they wanted it. They said sell it, I said how big should I say in the ad? They said they had no idea. So I measured it and advertised it as having the cubic feet a freezer from a catalog with similar dimensions had. They called furious. It was not ** feet, it was at least ***** feet. Which was impossible. Everything they had was the best and endlessly talked about. I think the Ex was the best, because he was their child.
Yes, he was fully aware of his secret life, but could disassociate to the extent that when not directly confronted with evidence, I think he almost believed his lies. He is a compulsive liar, lying just for the sake of lying, even when it will eventually hurt him or when there is no reason for it. He denied and denied the car, for example, but in divorce property mediation he was trying to argue about every little thing, so I quickly brought up the car, and he saw I was ready to bring it all up, with documentation. So he backed off immediately. I'm guessing he hadn't even told his attny, and didn't want evidence he was so slimy. He feels entirely justified, but, just like with the smashed finger, there are these self-preserving insights that keep him from going too far.
Paul Mullen, a researcher in Australia, treats stalkers. I'm not remembering exactly what he had found, and don't have time to look it up right now, but there is indication of a higher rate of cluster B than the average criminal, if I remember right. I'll have to check. Anyway, there are suggestions we will find higher N, borderline, and histrionic disorders in stalkers.
He is vengeful and rages inwardly, showing a cold, icy exterior. He was angry at me for three days when I was in the hospital and sick at the birth of our son. He was angry because I had gone into labor early, and plans had to be changed. Also, because my son and I were sick, the cost was much higher. What is ironic is that my dad paid the bill.
He is in a bad place - waiting tables at 56 with a BA, lost four jobs in the last four years since we split, has had a concealed weapons permit since 1989, unbeknownst to me until two years ago, and had a total of 4 PO Boxes, one in the next town. I don't know what all he is into.
I believe the secret life made him feel important, in control, and all powerful. I think that's also what he gets from stalking me. Which is ironic, because he's letting it control him. But that doesn't do me any good.
I hope I answered all questions. Thanks again.
cindy:
Cindy above, forgot to log in.
Lindsay:
This is interesting. My N father has exhibited stalker-like behaviour, but nowhere near as obvious or scary as what has been said already.
I'm American but I've been living overseas for the past two years, and my dad used to like to play games even from such a distance. He would look up my name on the internet, so he could find out what my screennames were on programs like AOL Instant Messenger. Then he would send me messages for no apparent reason, other than to show me that he could be "resourceful."
He used to tell me as a child not to worry about my privacy. He would promise not to read my journals, thus giving me comfort with leaving them around my room, unhidden. Of course he used that opportunity to read them when I wasn't around, and would bring up things I wrote about with me later.
There are probably other things he's done that I don't remember, or that aren't sticking out in my mind at this moment. My father has also tended to act like a jealous, unrequited lover at times.
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