Understanding intellectually but still going bonkers

[seastorm]

 Well that's it.


Understanding intellectually but still going bonkers. I read the post by Stormshild and it was so excellent. Why expect mature behaviour from imature people. That is it. Over and out.
Neat and tidy and all sewed up. Except I can read that and understand it and still be frothing at the mouth with outrageous indignation.  I am thinking that there is something really wrong with me. My feelings are still there even though I should know better.

I need to express my feelings and I guess it needs to happen quite a lot. I am still crying every day and cry in restaurents and in public places. Just out of nowhere.
The psychiatrist has reassured me that he thinks I am sort of normal. The psychologist thinks I am normal but have post traumatic stress.
I think........ I am slowly rebuilding my sefl esteem. Very slow if you ask me! But there is no more bad stuff coming in.

Can anyone relate to this???? Just feeling crazed?

Sea

[Stormchild]

Oh yes, you bet I can relate to this! That's one of the main reasons I posted it.

((((((((((Seastorm))))))))))

We get our emotions separated from our thinking processes when we get caught up in the N eggbeater. It can happen at any age. What we want from them... what they promise us... and what we get from them... there's no rational connection there at all.

If we get involved with Ns as adults, they promise us love and give us exploitation, promise us care and give us abuse... and they know it!

If we're stuck with Ns for our parents, they carefully teach us to ignore everything our good sense tells us about how badly they treat us, how intolerable that is. They dangle the hope that someday... if we just do enough for them... if we just do it exactly the right way... at exactly the right time... jump through all those impossible hoops just exactly perfectly... why, then we will earn what children with normal healthy parents receive at birth, and lifelong, simply for having been born.

And they never, ever intend to make good on that hope. It's a carrot dangled forever out of reach, to keep us providing whatever they want from us, without their having to give back.

It's so important to put the heart and mind back together into a team. So important to let our brains talk to our hearts. So important for our hearts to learn to listen, to check in.

And it takes time, it can't be hurried, and it needs a lot of support...

[Dazed1]

Storm,

If we're stuck with Ns for our parents, they carefully teach us to ignore everything our good sense tells us about how badly they treat us, how intolerable that is. They dangle the hope that someday... if we just do enough for them... if we just do it exactly the right way... at exactly the right time... jump through all those impossible hoops just exactly perfectly... why, then we will earn what children with normal healthy parents receive at birth, and lifelong, simply for having been born.

Amen to you on this synopsis; you sum it all up.


Sea,

I recall a T once implied to me that by "intellectually" undertsanding, but not "emotionally" undertsanding meant that I wasn't "getting it". Thus, I was still in denial. 

Oh yes, I read Alice Walker and all the books, but my undertsanding was in my head, not my heart.  I think at that time, I felt too scared to let the truth and awareness enter my heart.  So, I guess that understanding "intellectually", but being unable to undertsand and absorb "emotionally" was my defense mechanism. 

Why do we do this?  I think Storm's article on the other thread hits it on the nail:  because we dont want to (we CHOOSE not to) accept reality because we can't accept the truth.  We feel that if we accept the truth (reality), then our acceptance of the truth will kill us.  So, we BELIEVE that in order to survive, the can't accept the truth.  Therefore, we understand "intellectually" but not "emotionally".

Sea, do you see how much you're growing?  You're asking questions which show that you're "getting it", you're changing for the better.  Yeah, it hurts like hell, but (and I'm sorry this sounds so trite) no pain, no gain.  Kinda ironically, feeling your pain is a good thing.  But, the pain WILL NOT last forever.  Just keep with it.  You're doing beautifully.

Love,
dazed

[Dazed1]

Oh ((((CB))))),

I start packing books (or CD's, or photos, or glassware) and everything has a memory attached to it.  I am at once exhilarated that I am going to be able to start somewhere new and at that same time barely able to move under the weight of the sadness. Am I going to make it?  I am (today) not at all sure.

Lord, how I relate to this!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to move and in doing so, I have to go thru, discard and/or pack up my Dead N mom's clothing, posessions. I DREAD THE THOUGHT OF DOING THIS!!!!!!!!!!  Lord, it will be so painful.

CB: I KNOW YOU WILL MAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!  YOU ARE ALREADY MAKING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!  You are an amazing person and such an inspiration.

Think about this:  You will eventually finish packing up, so this packing pain (& I mean pain in multiple senses) will end.

Love,
dazed

[Overcomer]

Oh, I read the posts by all you who are suffering from the break up with horrible, narcissistic men.  Men who take your money.  Men who have affairs.  Right now I am dealing with a life long problem with an extremely narcissistic mother.................horrible stuff with her......................but I remember the devastation really when my ex husband left me for another woman when my second child was 3 months old.  During the separation, counseling, reconciliation for five years (yikes) and subsequent divorce, I learned this bastard had no less than 26 affairs during our marriage -while he was not working but my parents were paying for his college education at an elite university.  He even admitted to having a homosexual affair with a man whose name he got in a bathroom stall.  Thankfully he was never infected with the aids virus but there was a time I was pretty afaid.............I lost 30 pounds in 30 days.  (What a great weight loss product - devastation!! - At least you can look good while you are miserable!!!)

That was 16 years ago.........................it was horrible.  But I promise - PROMISE - there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  The devastation is so real and so awful.  The quagmire you go through is icky.  My self esteem was ripped apart.  But now I realize, Why would I care what HE thinks?  He was lucky to have me and he blew it.  And he knows it.  All for the sake of a few jollies to help bolster HIS self esteem.  Oh, there was more.  This man is a complete liar.  Not successful at all.  He has a degree and works at a coffee shop as a barista......just a loser.  And I am so much better off without him.

What I realize now after many realizations that I have been manipulated and I am a codependent.  I am almost better.  I have my setbacks but I am so much further ahead then I once was.  I stand up for myself.  I try not to put up with stuff.  And I am this close to being free from the day in and day out insanity of working with my nmom!!  You all will get through this!!!!!!!!!

[Dazed1]

Wow ((((((Kell)))))))),

What an SOB!!

And, yes, his loss, you are so much better off w/o him.

And yes, you will be way better off w/o Nmom and you're getting there.

love,
dazed

[Overcomer]

Thanks Dazed!!!!  I'm gonna get this job and be free!!!

[Hopalong]

Hi Sea,
You're not alone at all.
I understand the difference, and in hindsight, it will be there for you too.

It's the difference between understanding something conceptually
vs.
realizing it in your experience.

When you experience something different.

The first few times you actually get tired of the obsession. Even for a few minutes.

Those build. It becomes your new life (and it will, because you don't stop wanting).

There is a hard slog of a period when even though you keep telling your head you want to "get it" your heart is just plain habitual.

The more healthy friendliness, the more positive creative distraction, the more self-loving actions you take, the more sense it makes to your heart.

It already makes sense to your head, and that's a huge step forward.

Have faith in your heart. It wants to stop hurting.
And you will learn how to stop hurting your own heart.

(At this point, he's not hurting you any more, hon. You are.)

love,
Hops

[debkor]

I found this poem on a kids website.  Does this not sum up what it is like to live with our N"s.  Look what we had to deal with and we wonder why we struggle with being confused.  Who wouldn't?  This is definitely how my ex N was. 

 I often contradict myself.
Oh no, I never do.
I argue with me day and night.
That simply isn't true.

Oh yes it is. Oh no it's not.
I do this all day long.
Oh no I don't. Oh yes I do.
That's right. No way! It's wrong.

I'm really quite agreeable.
I argue night and day.
I love to be around myself.
I wish I'd go away.

So if you see me arguing,
it's certain that you won't.
I like to contradict myself.
I promise you I don't

[steve]

Seastorm:

This was the exact same conversation I had with my T last week. Interesting, he had suggested the week before that I may suffer from PTSD also. Anyways, on to the original topic.

I too understand intellectually but have not progressed emotionally beyond that. My T explained that our psychological maturity does not necessarily follow a calendar clock and sometimes we are stuck at certain points in our development. It would appear that you and I are both stuck. We can not get beyond the rational and make it a reality in our own lives. However, just like any growth it will take time. We need to make the adjustment, then we need to internalize it and finally we need to start living it. I am not expecting some magical moment where a switch is finally turned off. Instead, I realize that this will take time and that I need to continue to work in the right direction. keep pushing forward and eventually the rational will become your reality. Good luck, I feel for you,

Steve

[Hopalong]

Hi again...Steve and Seastorm,

I think there comes a point when thinking about all this can block the "realizing in experience" time.

So, I think it helps to balance the cerebral (reading and analysing) with experiential stuff that is about treating yourself LOVINGLY.

One way to do this is to literally put your body and mind in the position of receiving love. How to do this?

Get regular massages. Gentle unselfish touch is a pathway. It creates new pathways.
Go to friendly, nonexploitative, inclusive (choose carefully!) churches...or if that feels uneasy, meetings of some sort, but ones that are UPBEAT, EMPOWERING. Example off the top of my head. Might sound odd but Toastmasters is truly an excellent place for confidence-building and self-respecting and building self-esteem.

Other examples: volunteer with a no-kill shelter, to walk and/or bathe grateful animals.
Hang around gentle animals generally, they do healing things just by being non-obsessed and curious and open.
Ditto young children.

Ditto plants and gardens, etc.

I know these things all sound sort of trite but they really really aren't.

I think after you've been abused by Ns it can take a lot of very intentional deliberate exposure to loving and positive living things and people, and beautiful and vibrant nature, to rewire the pathways in our brains that SELF-SABOTAGE.

After a while, the life force responds just as well to the postiive messages you give it as it used to, to the negative.

Really, that book...The Wisdom of Your Subconscious Mind...explains this better than I can. Blew my mind the degree to which we can CHANGE our minds.

love,
Hops

[Lupita]

Guess it is not only understanding. But understanding is the beginning. Sometimes I understand behaviors but I still do them, dont want to. So, understanding is better than not understanding. But think we have to internalize it. Dont know how.

[Hopalong]

Hi Lupita,
I get these specific-book obsessions, bear with me. But this book does spell out specifically HOW TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0139614826/sr=8-1/qid=1171921584/ref=pd_bbs_sr_olp_1/105-5846270-4449220?ie=UTF8&s=books

Hops

[Lupita]

Will check it. Thanks.