The shame of doing an N's bidding

[James73]

Ok i didnt really want to write this as its very shameful but has anyone been bent to an N's will, i.e. you start not liking someone because they dont
like that person themselves? How weak was I, I used to hate people like that and then I became one, a tool of the N who I hated anyway but still sought their friendship, mano mano what a joke. Man they suck balls, also Im a little worried that I have taken on traits of an N over the years. Granted I feel good now and feel friendlier happier and more relxed however I feel an odd kind of filth sticking to my character, like I'm trying to shake it off but cant. How can I get rid of the patterns installed in me by the N, or am I just paranoid? Has anyone else experinced these issues??

Peace
James

[isittoolate]

Hi James,
I am quite familiar with the feeling.

I thought I was the only one on the world who was suffering as I was. I was not aware of N-ism. I couldn't think straight enough to realize that this is what my daughter suffered at the hands of her husband, whom I hated. After the fact I realized he was an N as well. Now my grandson, 20, has taken on the traits and I hope he is never an abusive N. He has lived alone with his Dad for 6 years.

Also I realized that my father was an N. I despised him but had no name for his actions. I expect the sister next oldest to me is an N.

I am now addressing SHAME, being it is the master emotion over all others, except for ANGER. I believe there is a bottomless pit of anger in me, but I never let it out.

Anger turned inward = depression.

What a mess life can be!

I just want to understand all about me, faults and all.

I think I am intelligent and creative, a nice person, but underneath is the shame and anger and it makes me feel so defective.

I don't feel shame anymore about being sucked into the web of the N, because he put on a false face and charmed me. When he took off the mask he was another person, so the one I loved never existed, so the love never existed and I got out!

How long have you been N-free? I felt at first that I had taken on his traits, but no longer (been gone 5 years this year.) My daughter I think might have been affected in some awful way as she bent to his will when he said I was no longer welcome on his property (after sitting my 2 grandcchildren for 4 ½ years.)

Likely now she is filled with shame for doing that because she and I have been estranged for 16 years.  She did telephone after my mother's death, her separation and divorce, crying.............. to ask my forgiveness and I said I forgave her, knowing what her husband was like-----but her actions belied her asking for forgiveness. She is laying a real guilt trip on me, but that could be projection.

We are in touch my email infrequesntly. I just sent a cheque ($150.00) to them for Valentine' Day.---I messed up at Xmas.

I have shame hanging all over me from all the Ns in my life!

Keep well

Izzy

[mudpuppy]

Has anyone else experinced these issues??

I'd say it is unlikely that anyone here has not experienced these issues.
Bending people to their will is the essence of NPD.

mud

[Leah]

I still feel shame regarding my N family members and having been true to my husband for my lifetime, but of course like Izzy I know nothing of Nism.  Just could understand why they kept doing the things that they did.  They told me it was my fault for being too nice, kind and sensitive and I believed the lie.

Shame and embarrassment remains.

Leah x

[gratitude28]

James,
My parents are the Ns and I copied their behavior during high school and into college. I thought I was smarter and better than everyone on the planet... wasn't that what I had been told my whole life?
I was horrified when I became my own person and realized how awful I had been to people. I fel extremem shame and so wish I could go back and do it over and be the kind of person I would like to be to others.
I am a better person now. I try to be kind and I do care for others. You can't change what has happened, but you don't have to continue on with the same attitudes.
A lot of the change will have to atart with noticing your reactions and thoughts to things. Do you have negative tapes (like when you see someone you instantaneously think unkind thoughts towards them?) That is a good place to start. Try finding those tapes and see if they really reflect what you would like to be thinking.
You are in the right place.
Please keep sharing as it will help.
Beth

[seastorm]

Hi James,

I really appreciate your take on this whole N thing and your vitality. You feel things and share your feelings right up front. I say great to that. Hope you stick around, I like to har from you and see what you take on things is.

Sea storm

[axa]

Mud,

Bending people to their will is the essence of NPD.  Thank you for posting this.  What I discovered was that when I would do this it was never enough.  It felt like I would give in, go against my better judgement, feel a sense of relief that that issue had passed and then there would be the next thing.  It was like being beaten down continously, it was never enough.  I think this is something I may start a thread on as it feels very significant for me.

i too feel shame that I did collude with XN.  Once I started naming the madness and truth and his incredible negativity and critisism of just about everybody the sh.. really hit the fan.  He could not cope with the challenge.  They hate the truth, they hate reality, they want you to collude with their madness and boy will you get punished for holding up the mirror.

axa

[Hopalong]

I totally understand what you're feeling, James.
I absolutely inherited N traits by being around a very Nish parent and brother (and culture!).

When I learned about narcissism I experienced several years of near-horror every time I felt my own Nish behaviors go active. I think that "horror" was just another way of saying, shame.

But James I don't think you are a narcissist, and I don't think I am, either.

I think Nism is possibly genetically influenced, and with some, it become their core nature and something they do not question or worry about, or try to guard against.

You are doing that. You are feeling the understandable creepy-crawly sensation of some of it having rubbed off on you. You may have done or felt things that revolt you.

SO WHAT, DEAR BOY. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON. YOU ARE A GOOD MAN. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A GOOD FUTURE. YOU HAVE A LOT TO GIVE AND YOU ARE ALREADY DOING THAT, JUST BY SHARING THE TRUTH OF WHO YOU ARE.

Please, stop beating up on yourself. A passage through shame is NORMAL under these circumstanced. You won't get stuck there, particularly if you get some help to work through some intentional healing.

You deserve it. Good things.

hugs,
Hops

[reallyME]

James: Ok i didnt really want to write this as its very shameful but has anyone been bent to an N's will, i.e. you start not liking someone because they dont
like that person themselves?

Hi.  I can relate to this, and I was thinking about and remembering about this very thing the other day. 

I used to be the type of person who loved pretty much everyone.  After contact with N's, I found myself looking down on people who were not well-dressed, well-spoken, well-groomed, well-off in general, because the N's I was with were wealthy, dressed to the T, and snobbish, looking their noses down at others who were not.  I became one of them, as you say, and in the end, I pretty much hated myself.

~L

[Lupita]

What if you have a friend that understands how it works and uses his knowledge to inflate you and deflate you just for his own amusement?

[pennyplant]

Time to put some distance between me and that "friend".  I want friends who care, not friends who hurt.

Pennyplant

[pennyplant]

uses his knowledge to inflate you and deflate you just for his own amusement?

This is what my current boss does.  That's frightening.  I really need to stay away from her.  No wonder I have this sinking feeling about where I currently work.

Pennyplant

[Lupita]

Dear Penny,
Thank you. I thought that I was the only one. My friend always, for years, has done that. I started distancing from him, but still I feel guilty because he has done a lot for me. But I have the feeling that he thinks that he has paid his ticket to hurt me. He always hurts me. I was tempted to give him this website. But since he is an emotional predator, he would find fertile soil here with so many weak people in search of love and protection, and support, that it is even scary.
Love,
Lupita

[reallyME]

Lupita,

I highly urge you not to give the link to this site to N nor anyone connected with him.  What will most likely happen, is what happened to me.  He will send someone to come on here and tell everyone on this list that you are telling lies about him...even though this person and you both may know that what you've told is the truth.  You will then feel violated and like you have no more safe place to come tell your story and situations.  Believe me, it's just not worth it~

Laura