Hi James,
I am quite familiar with the feeling.
I thought I was the only one on the world who was suffering as I was. I was not aware of N-ism. I couldn't think straight enough to realize that this is what my daughter suffered at the hands of her husband, whom I hated. After the fact I realized he was an N as well. Now my grandson, 20, has taken on the traits and I hope he is never an abusive N. He has lived alone with his Dad for 6 years.
Also I realized that my father was an N. I despised him but had no name for his actions. I expect the sister next oldest to me is an N.
I am now addressing SHAME, being it is the master emotion over all others, except for ANGER. I believe there is a bottomless pit of anger in me, but I never let it out.
Anger turned inward = depression.
What a mess life can be!
I just want to understand all about me, faults and all.
I think I am intelligent and creative, a nice person, but underneath is the shame and anger and it makes me feel so defective.
I don't feel shame anymore about being sucked into the web of the N, because he put on a false face and charmed me. When he took off the mask he was another person, so the one I loved never existed, so the love never existed and I got out!
How long have you been N-free? I felt at first that I had taken on his traits, but no longer (been gone 5 years this year.) My daughter I think might have been affected in some awful way as she bent to his will when he said I was no longer welcome on his property (after sitting my 2 grandcchildren for 4 ½ years.)
Likely now she is filled with shame for doing that because she and I have been estranged for 16 years. She did telephone after my mother's death, her separation and divorce, crying.............. to ask my forgiveness and I said I forgave her, knowing what her husband was like-----but her actions belied her asking for forgiveness. She is laying a real guilt trip on me, but that could be projection.
We are in touch my email infrequesntly. I just sent a cheque ($150.00) to them for Valentine' Day.---I messed up at Xmas.
I have shame hanging all over me from all the Ns in my life!
Keep well
Izzy