foiled love

[Toodles]

it is so sad and sorry this story - I fell in love with my therapist ten years ago, then she closed her practice and we had no contact

three years later we started contact again - limited, but over time developed a deep friendship, then deeper love, unknown really to either of us, platonic - she is married

it is real and only unhealthy because she is married - so long since we had professional position, deep caring there

moved away for two years to get away from her and was ok then felt pulled back here and to her

now it has been a year and people block us from havnig contact - makes me upset as we have an innocent friendship despite my in love feelings,

since being back I have learned that she does love me and has been in love with me and deeply and with passion, and we need to resolve this experience and have closure, yet her husband is threatened, righteously and has interfered with my calls to her

now feeling empty and alone, yet hopeful for future - want to go away but have no  money

there is  no possibility that I could ever reallly love someone again, not like this

broken up inside, no way through -

Toodles

[WRITE]

now it has been a year and people block us from havnig contact - makes me upset as we have an innocent friendship despite my in love feelings,

well you're both adults you can do what you like surely, if you both think it is a good thing?

But CB is right, whether you're N or she's N or both or neither of you are...best to sort out your life and issues before you get into something which is already causing you distress.

Therapy with a good psychiatrist and anti-depressants on prescription have really helped my N ex, even so I wouldn't want to be in a closer relationship with him- he's terribly pernicious and almost oblivious at times.

there is  no possibility that I could ever reallly love someone again, not like this

it's hard when any relationship doesn't blossom into what we'd like but honestly- you'll get over it.

Read everything you can find about self-esteem and helthy relationships is my advice.

Whenever I have felt like I would never get over a love relationship it was because my life was deficient some way.

Nowadays I can earn my own money, manage my own health and affairs and have created a fun interesting life with friendships and hobbies and a career...and now I don't need a relationship I feel better equipped to choose one that compliments the rest of my new balanced life. I certainly wouldn't want any drama or pain as I have in the past...

You say money is a problem, is that something new? Loads of us on here have had to break through emotional barriers to financial independence!

[maitri]

Hi Toodles,

I'd like to pick up on two things. First is that, as I see it, you don't have an innocent friendship. I mean this in the sense that your friendship stands to hurt you, by keeping you enmeshed with someone who, for whatever reason, is making herself unavailable to you. And stands to hurt her, by putting her in prolonged contact with you when she has apparently decided to stay with her spouse despite her feelings for you. And stands to hurt her husband, who has to stand by and watch her maintain emotional intimacy with someone who is in love with her, and with whom she is apparently in love. There's not a lot of innocence here, in an emotional sense - only confusion, and pain.

I'd also like to pick up on your comment that you'll never love anyone again, not like this. I'm sure that's exactly how it feels, but logically you simply can't know that to be true. Have faith. Also, given how much pain this love is causing you, surely you'd never WANT to feel love exactly like this again! Wouldn't it be refreshing to find a person who sparked this kind of passion, but who was also responsive, available, and drama-free? You deserve the love without the pain.

I believe you can have that, but I believe it means letting go of your friendship with your former therapist. It will be painful, and you will grieve, but I think it needs to happen.

I also get a vibe from your post that you are in deep, deep agony and that maybe you could benefit from a healthy, un-complicated theraputic relationship. Perhaps you could find a therapist who would be utterly unappealing to you from a relationship standpoint (because of their gender, for example) and start from there.

If therapy seems over the top, I'd at very least consider talking to your doctor to rule out depression. Your post was heart-wrenching, and I worry for you.

I hope you find what you need, whatever you decide to do.

All the best,
Maitri

[Hopalong]

Hi Toodles.
I'm sorry.
I think we learn in this culture that "love" feelings justify anything.

They don't.

And we also think that "love feelings" are love, even when boundaries are violated, covenants broken, families destroyed.

They aren't.

I know a book that would help you a great deal, I think: Escape from Intimacy by Anne Schaef.

The forbidden object (married, therapist, etc.) intensifies attraction in a primitive way.

Don't be a grayhound chasing a fake rabbit. Learn about obsession. Passion that comes from thwarting.

Pull away from this, get ethical professional help. Find a job and save yourself.
You can do it.

If you can tell it, as you have so honestly, you've taken the first hard step.

Hopalong

[Lupita]

Jusr checked a manual of mecial ethics. To date a patient is a NO NO, doctor can lose his laicense. Could be the same for menta health help. The therapist could ruin her profssional life forever if what you are saying is a reality. Could it be just a fantasy? Could it be that you are imagining that she loves you back?

[seastorm]

There are very good reasons for a therapist to be bound by professional ethics.
It can ruin marriages
Encourage self destructive fantasies in vulnerable clients
Warp a natural process of affection into inappropriate passion
Endanger the client ( ruin any chance they have of actually getting their needs met iwth an available peron)
Be grounds for being kicked out of ANY profession.
Shows that the therapist is unethical and unworthy of trust
Demonstrates that the therapist needs to quit being a therapist pronto until they can address this huge breach of trust

Sea storm

[Toodles]

I see more and more everyday why I should abandon this, the thing is I feel responsible for enkindling this kind of passion...

she is too, desparate, and we feed that in each other - it is too much though for me to process because I am blocked by her marriage, and even maddened at the thought that I would even say such a thing as I just diid

I have read where it can be physically dangerous for two people who are in love not to be able to express that love, that it is a sort of moral imperative for them to be together, and to block it is somehow a wrong against them

I have studied healing methods and know now she was only acting in my best interests, but I think now other people have interfered in her work as a healer and yoga teacher because I spoke of discomfort around being touched, that having to do with my past abuse issues, but I thought it was cause I was in love with her, and tried to tell her that

The interference of others has caused her a lot of problems and I think it is only right that I try to remedy this situation as she is deeply hurt, angry, and thinks I betrayed her

I tried hard to understand her behaviour, but didnt and so went to friends for help understanding - I think they misinterpreted what was happening and attacked her

this is all conjecture on my part - I dont know how to get the truth, or who to believe - I cant just  let this go, it is my responsibility to make this as right as I can, for everyone's sake

what do you all think?

[Hopalong]

Wow, CB. I am helped a lot by this:

The intensity of what you are feeling does not validate your interpretation of what is happening.

Toodles, I hope you can take in CB's wisdom here.

She earned it the hard way! And it could change your life completely.

Sending you clarity and hope and courage,
Hopalong