Sunny, Thanks for the topic! Leah, Thanks for your warm welcome! Some other thoughts from the book that really struck me are
Besee wrote:
Sunny, Thanks for the topic! Leah, Thanks for your warm welcome! Some other thoughts from the book that really struck me are
"The person who has defined your experience seems to have failed to grasp that you are a person with your own reality."
"People disconnect from us the moment they begin to define us. They begin to connect with us when they define themselves to us or ask us about ourselves."
"Even when you don't believe another person's definition of you, their disregard of your individuality can disturb your well-being."
"Countering prevents relationships. Countering is verbal opposition that negates the other's opinions, feelings and beliefs."
". . . but the ability and freedom to define oneself and to see the other as pretending protects one from negating his or her ture self."
Hi Besee,
"Countering prevents relationships. Countering is verbal opposition that negates the other's opinions, feelings and beliefs."
Countering is a most cruel crazymaking form of abuse ........ I think it robs you of your identity, then you fall prey to the other forms of abuse - open wounded for the attack.
Patricia Evans in Verbally Abusive Relationships (I have a copy) ......
"the countering of your ideas, feelings, and perceptions, even going so far as to refute what he misconstrues you to have said."
the experience is enough to have you climbing the wall and back down again!
Up until searching on the internet 3 years ago ..... never knew the abuse labels .... just the experience!
Verbal abuse occurs in all relationships, including family and friends .... wonderful !! I abhor each and every one of the categories having experienced them for a lifetime really.
According to Evans, a verbal abuser is an insecure person and immature person who is looking for power and control over another.
In order to help you recognize abuse, remember that all forms of verbal abuse are methods of manipulating you for the purpose of establishing power over you. The following are some of the forms of verbal abuse the author helps you recognize.
1.
Withholding: a purposeful silent treatment.
2.
Countering: a countering of your ideas, feelings, and perceptions, even going so far as to refute what he misconstrues you to have said.
3.
Discounting--a putdown of you or something you hold dear.
4.
Blocking and diverting--this is a sneaky, covert way of violating your dignity.
5.
Accusation and blame: generally involves lies about the partner's intentions, attitudes, and motives. The author states that accusation and blame is present in all verbally abusive relationships.
6.
Judging and criticizing: lies about your personal qualities and performance.
7.
Trivializing and undermining: abusive behavior which makes light of your work, your efforts, your interests, or your concerns. The abuser attempts to dilute meaning and value in your life. Undermining might occur when your partner laughs at you, for example, when you burn yourself cooking. It is also jokes at your expense. Undermining is occurring when you feel a "so-called joke" is mean rather than funny.
8.
Name calling: no one has a right to call you degrading names. Name calling is verbal abuse.
9.
Ordering: Telling you to do something, rather than asking, or making decisions for you or for the two of you without your input.
10.
Forgetting and denial: the trickiest form of denial is forgetting. Become aware that forgetting is a form of denial that shifts all responsibility from the abuser to some "weakness of mind."
11.
Abusive anger: this seems to be closely linked to the need to "blow up," to dominate, to control, to go one up, and to put down. Any time you are snapped at or yelled at, you are being abused.
12.
Threatening: Physical threats and sexual threats aside, verbal threats are an effort at manipulation. For example, a threat to leave, stay out all night, or take you home immediately is a manipulation for power. The threat of "pending disaster" is designed to shatter the partner's serenity as well as her boundaries.
If you counter the abuser or attempt to explain yourself, you will probably be met with such statements as, "You're going into one of your tirades again," or "
You're much too sensitive," or "You're just trying to start a fight" or "You don't have a sense of humor."
Three years ago now, I purchased Patricia Evan's book " The Verbally Abusive Relationship " and could not believe the validation leaping out at me from each page. Labels at last.
Leah
