Hanging with Emotionally Healthy People

[GAP]

Did anyone who has divorced an N notice once they did that there was another layer of relationships that need to be ended or at least redefined?  I have many, many healthy friends that love me for who I am and don't try and change me....but I'm realizing I have a few that drag me into the dance.  Their behavior was less obvious when I was still engaged in what felt like daily combat with an N, now it causes post tramatic stress syndrome and I just want to scream.. 

[Lupita]

I get fire crackers everytime somebody seems to do something similar to the things that my mother did to me. Like isolating me or put other people against me. Still, I am old and understand the problem but I feel bad. I feel panic when I get the impression that I did not make somebody happy. Anybody that would notice that weakness can make use of it, either for amusement or for benefit.

[Leah]

Hi Gap,

Yes, very much so.  After divorced and dealt with discovery of N in now exh and issues with FOO and behaviour had become clearly labeled etc.  It was then I noticed that there were some, not all, friends who were treating me as N and FOO and suddenly started to invalidate what I had learned. 

One of the reasons for coming on board here.  The best way that I can explain it is this... Leah had come out of the box .... and these friends were trying to push her back in again.  They owned the box.

And yes, their behavior was less obvious ... including the new friend that I have mentioned here. 

Maybe I was so used to the behavior coming from exH and FOO ..... that it was such a shock for it to come from some of my friends too. Which in hindsight, as I think about it now ....... friends are someone else's partner and FOO member.

I had opened up and shared so much to the new friend, when I was still enmeshed with exH and FOO member and she encouraged me the share my burden!! ...... the shock when realizing that this new friend was an N in disguise ........

I found myself started to experience the same symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome ......... as I had suffered before regarding exH and Nmother.

Izzy posted on 'what helps' Toxic People, which was most validating.

What hurt most was the friends who were constantly invalidating me and also my new friend's crazymaking responses, which in effect was victim bashing or revictimizing the victim. 

But then one day came the realization, that these friends and in particular the new friend, had sought me, chosen me, for their friendship .......... when I was enmeshed with N's.

Lightbulbs switched on and it all made sense.

So yes, I can so identify with what you say, and my experience and thoughts are that some friendships most likely will need to be reviewed based upon their behaviour.  It's their box not mine.

Leah

[GAP]

Dear Lupita and Leah,

Thanks for your posts.  I too confided in a N in hiding after the divorce.  When I'm really honest the red flags were there but I ignored them because once again I got sucked in by the "N's" intoxicating behavior.  The "N" was a woman and when she did the "rage thing" it really shook me up!  I hope I know better and will never be lured in by that type of person again.  My therapist said I'm attracted to the attention and praise the "N" lavish upon me at the beginning of the relationship because I was so starved for that as a child and that "Ns" are attracted to me because they like the idea of being associated with someone that is physically attractive with a good personality but once they lure me in they begin validating themselves thru subtle abusive behavior.  I have had numereous friendships like that in the course of my life but I now know if someone comes on strong and tries to rush a friendship, "courts me", lavishes praise on me....don't connect, the person is a N or boderline.

It really helps to write about this stuff to clarify your thoughts and reinforce what you are trying to learn.

Thanks,

GAP

[Leah]

Hi GAP,

I must have been attracted to the attention and praise the "N" lavish upon me at the beginning of the friendship because I was so starved for that as a child.  Think "N" friends are attracted to me because they like my kind sensitive nature, well that's what my counsellor explained to me.  That they desire and hunger for that quality in themselves.

Looking back at previous friendships through my life I now know and fully aware of someone over complimenting me.

Just posted on the "what helps" about that trait.  "If only" I had known years ago what I know now!!!  Better late than never 

With a healthier realistic outlook ... switched on and aware.  Life ahead is filled with hope .... wise discerning with my N detector on!

Hidden agendas ... people will always have them ... in my view, they may be healthy agendas or toxic agendas.

My job is to trust my "gut instinct" and know the difference.

Take care.

Leah

[Brigid]

Hi GAP,
It happened for me slightly differently.  Prior to my separation and ultimate divorce from xnh, a woman friend had a major fallout with myself and 3 other friends.  The reason at the time was petty and ridiculous, but the 4 of us no longer had any contact with her.  Only after the separation, causing me to seek therapy, and my therapist identifying my x as n, leading me to learning what that meant, did I understand how n this woman was, with a bit of bp thrown in.  The other 4 of us have remained very close (the whole incident brought us closer at the time) and I can now appreciate what wonderful friends they are and how lucky we are to have that woman out of our lives.  Only after we no longer had contact with her, did we all learn the horrible things she was saying about each of us (and many others) behind our backs.  That all happened over 4 years ago, but that woman has still not let it go and she still occasionally finds a way to put in a dig at one of us--through letters she has written to one of us, comments she has made to others who are still friendly with us, and other outrageous ways.  It just shows how much n's hate being the one who is no longer in control and having others falling all over them.

It was through many hours of therapy and studying what n is, that I could understand how to find or appreciate healthy relationships.  Whether it is a love relationship or a friendship, it needs to be a two-way street with both members of the relationship being willing to be supportive, kind, loving and caring of each other.

Brigid

[WRITE]

I don't like to hang out with people who always bring their problems to the table...I know people have bad times and can't think of much else but I do think it's part of reaching a healthy place to put problems aside some of the time.
I had a great day out Sunday with a friend who has just discovered a brain tumour...she needed a laugh and to be reminded that no matter what life goes on and it's not all misery.
But a couple of my friendships have faltered the last year because the people not only offloaded the whole time but one of them expected me to help- and keep helping- and I burnt out at it eventually, especially since she wasn't reciprocal.
I think it's better to find a support group or counsellor for some things than to offload on friendships all the time!
I have had much happier friends since I learned to take my bipolar behaviour away from them; very few people know these days when I am having mood swings and I think it helps me too, there's not loads of extra people adding to the dynamics.

I don't talk to people who dampen my spirits either any more- you know the kind of person who always makes you feel energy-sucked....or tries to make everyone apranoid. I work with an emotional terrorist, her boss is so upset by her she is unable to manage her now.

Whether it is a love relationship or a friendship, it needs to be a two-way street with both members of the relationship being willing to be supportive, kind, loving and caring of each other.

amen to that, well put.