OK I am frigged right out!

[isittoolate]

I sent an email to my daughter with a quick question (been busy with websites and needed an image)

I sent:
I need another word for search, other than ‘scroll’ for something that looks like that fancy scrolling plant hanger you made in shop, the black one that was in the kitchen.---(more) as I kept pulling up pictures of scrolls, like the Dead Sea Scrolls--- [/b]

She responds with—
I have no idea what you are talking about.  hunt? explore? seek?

I gather she read up to only the word ‘search’ in my email.

I refuse to be treated like an idiot by my own daughter and I told her so; and that I had no room for toxic people in my life.: That she sounded just like the psychopath I was with, who would say “What? what? What are you talking about? I don't understand. Are you stupid or something?"

This does not make me happy after I just sent a cheque for $150 for Valenties Day, for the 3 of them, and she has not sent a thank you.  I am more angry than hurt, as  I have prepared myself for hurt and I will never cry over her!

Izzy

[seastorm]

Dear Izzy,

I did not understand what you meant. I am not trying to insult you. I would need clarification to understand what you meant. Usually I get what you mean but the same thing that causes me to be a bad speller also makes some things diffciult for me to understand.

Sea storm

[isittoolate]

I said,
"I need another word for search":-----meaning Google, of course----- is this as far as she read?
...As she said
I have no idea what you are talking about.  hunt? explore? seek?

She knows damned well the plant hanger she made in shop --had a 90 degree angle and all filgreed in the middle  ......and the word  I wanted was filigree--so it's all moot. I finally thought of it!

I've always had this feeling that she never read my emails, or that she didn't respond to things on purpose--now I know, she doesn't read them, or is purposefully trying to make me appear stupid, or that she is annoyed that I wasted her time--whatever.

I have a few fancy words for her right now but I won't put them in writing!

Izzy

I want my $$$ back!

[reallyME]

Izzy,

I understand why you're upset if your daughter "plays dumb" to your questions.  Upon reading what you asked her, I must admit, ya lost me...but I won't invalidate the idea that your daughter would have known darn well what you were talking about, since she shared a similar experience with you, regarding the plant hangers.  I'm sorry she's treating you that way.

~Laura

[Leah]

Dear Izzy,

I sincerely empathize and know exactly what you mean on both counts.

I sent:
I need another word for search, other than ‘scroll’ for something that looks like that fancy scrolling plant hanger you made in shop, the black one that was in the kitchen.---(more) as I kept pulling up pictures of scrolls, like the Dead Sea Scrolls

Clearly, you wanted a replacement word for 'scroll' in your search engine box.

People do this to others, in the workplace it would be accompanied by 'rolling eyes' and huge sighs ... etc etc  .... Would love a Label for this rude behavior, but can't come up with one.

It's almost as though the air that you breathe is an irritant to them.  It would not matter as to what the question might be ........ you would still get the same reaction.

There is probably a label ........ have not worked it out yet or found it.

Take care Izzy.

Leah x

Edit in:   Misreading - the misinterpretation caused by inaccurate reading, or perception, of .... what is Actually written.
can be either unintentional (person not reading what is actually written or has an issue regarding perception)  .....  or deliberate. 

[Gaining Strength]

Izzy - I want to take you cautiously down another perspective.  I have read a couple of times that you mourn your loss of relationship with your daughter and her children.  I understood that your email correspondense in the only communication you have with her.  I do understand that her response was clearlly not what you were looking for but I encourage you to spend sometime with getting at why her response triggered such a strong response from you. 

What wounds did she open?  Is is wounds from your childhood where you were ignored or belittled or is it a wound from you longing to connect with her?  I ask this because I have come to learn that where I have a strong emotional trigger usuall has to do with an old, deeply painful wound rather than so much with the triggering event.

I worry that her response to you may have come from a more innocent place that you perceived.  - just a thought - Gaining Strength

[isittoolate]

Thank you LR and GS

Yes, this is a sore point with me.

No. 1 is that I never receive a "thank you" for any gifts I send. A simple acknowledgement is the courteous thing to do. I am wondering if she just expects this, come times for gifts. i would feel 'guilty if I did not acknowledge certain occasions.

That leads to my feeling that her feelings toward me are total indifference.--just a bother. To me that is worse than hating me.

I emailed her last night as I knew she would be on her computer. (But then one of her excuses about lack of contact is that she is seldom on her computer. She emailed back, but did I 'catch her in the act'?)

There is also the feeling of abandonment--it is in there somewhere from the early years, then she did abandon me, on her husband's say so, in 1991.

The way things have gone when she came to her senses , left her husband, then divorced him have not led me to believe that there will ever be a reconciliation---never a total one.

I really ought to leave her alone--it's upsetting, like thinking about an N to much.

thanks for your input
Izzy--(still building web pages.)


Edit

I saw this on the patricia Evans Post---

Controllers use verbal abuse to subtly undermine their victim's perceptions, to manipulate them into doing what they want, to foster dependency, to isolate them from truth, from outside contact and even from their own children. They may withhold information while lying to their victim.. Controllers create confusion, emotional pain and mental anguish, while periodically "rescuing" their victim by seeming to offer the balm of love that alleviates the victim's pain drawing the victim ever closer. Controllers gain and maintain power over people while often presenting a perfect persona to the world.

My God! Am I being controlled by my daughter?  That push/pull, push/pull................yikes!

[Gaining Strength]

Izzy - I wrote a lengthy reply a little while ago and punched the wrong key and zoop---- the whole thing was gone.  So I;m retyping a shorter version.

My heart is aching for you and the pain that your email exchange with your daughter stirred up.  The depth of your pain is clear from your short post.  Because I identify with your pain and your isolation I long to help you find peace and healing and reconciliation.  And from this position I am asking you a few questions to encourage you to find the original pain that her email triggered.

I have found in my experience that if I take a painful experience and sit quietly why sort of asking meditatively what is the origins of this extremely painful wound then in time I might realize something that happened early on in my life that started the whole thing.

I suggest you do this because I have sensed from earlier posts that you really long to be in relationship with your daughter and her children.  I have found that indifference is one of the most painful wounds, especially from those we long to connect with.  One thing that really struck me is that in your last post you focus on the fact that your daughter never acknowledged your gift.  That is such a slight especially when you are trying to reach out to her.  But what struck me is that you are focusing on this slight when your first post suggests that the trigger was the way she replied to your email. 

The point that I am trying to make is that I sense that your nerves are raw from the pain you have experienced with her but I encourage you to go back to your childhood to see where you experienced this pain initially.

I truly believe that as you heal your deepest wounds that you will find that you can rebuild a relationship with your daughter.  Right now it seems that you both have experienced significant pain in your mother-daughter relationship.  I hope for you true healing so that the rift can be mended with true love.- your friend - Gaining Strength

[isittoolate]

Thanks GS

I am thinking about this, but all I come up with is that she and I might be just like my mother and me (except from birth through the teens)

It is all in the communication as years go by. She and I had so much time together as I sent her to baton, gym, swimming, bible camp, to meet other children--being an only chiild, I talked with her and told her the pros and cons of things that arose and then she could choose. I attended every concert and P/T night at school. She squealed with delight when we were looking for a prom dress when I found a lovley strapless and she nearly croaked that I woud buy it for her. Her friends were welcome in our home. Then she graduated Grade 13, went to Toronto to work and met the N.

The biggest rift began then, I didn't like him, I tried to talk her out of the quick marriage, and she was already talking and acting like him.

We had little serious communication after that. She was aged 19: still a young girl when you consider he was 31.

Everything fell apart for me and then for her and she became more distant but it was 7 years of not really knowing either one of them for me, but sitting 2 of my grandkids. 3 days a week then he kicked me out and she went along with him. 1991

We have never overcome that-- I nearly had a nervous breakdown and I honestly don't think my feelings are the same for her as they once were, ---so much happening and so many things unspoken (like I was right about him)---then I ended up in a mess with an N/P--sure was ripe for attention.

I asked once how she would feel if one of her children turned on her. She said it would never happen.   It did.

Her eldest son turned on her, manipulated by his N father (who had manipulated her against me) and it broke her heart.

We are both badly damaged and I sometimes fool  myself into thinking we could regain what we once had, but she is middle-aged now. 43

I try to forget but I cannot and I really don't hold out any hope.

How could I have protected her from an N, when I didn'teven know what they were???

SH*T Happens!

Izzy

[Gaining Strength]

look for the healing

[isittoolate]

I should not have posted this post. It has wreaked havoc.  Emails between her and me and no resolution except she is sending me a 'gift' and hopes it helps me as much as it helped her. She was/is? in therapy. My 2 grandchildren are in therapy. Oh the damage caused by Ns, who never see therapy and just go about wreaking havoc on us.

I am changing therapists and also have my book, today, Healing The Shame That Binds You".

I feel ½ insane, even though I went to the Office today and chatted with about 5 people. They have absolutely NO idea of my distress. I was introduced to a local Newspaper Editor, who is doing an article on the Organization,  as "!_______________! who does our website and pays all the bills. She really holds things together!"

I cannot take this 'double' life anymore. I want to feel, at home, how I feel when I am with these workmates, yet I don't want to become 'best friends' with any one of them.

Maybe I'll deveop a fatal ilness and then not have to worry, or maybe I have found the right Therapist--via Internet

"B____a's work is grounded in her philosophy that the symptoms we live with (depression, anxiety, low motivation, relationship difficulties, health problems, low self-esteem, overindulgence in alcohol, food, work, for example) are the remnants of coping mechanisms that we developed (usually early in life) to survive experiences that were unbearable, threatening, or that we lacked the necessary resources to understand. Her aim is to connect clients with the root of their problems and with their personal seeds of healing, strength, empowerment, wisdom, and wholeness.

To that end, Brenda uses interventions to help clients experience and live from the core of their authentic self - whomever that Self truly is! She draws on body-centred techniques such as imagery, focusing, Hakomi, movement, breath work, experiential exercises, as well as Gestalt, role plays, family mapping, journaling, and psychoeducation."

This reminds me of a lecture I attended when the speaker said that we are born who we are, then others (nurses, doctor, parents, then teachers and friends, then bosses and friends) have led us so far away from who we are that we spend the rest of our life trying to find out!


My mother also told me that after I was born, Dr. Scott came to see how she was then went out and drove off a bridge and killed himself. I thiink this was more information than I needed!

Love to all
Izzy

[Leah]

(((((((( Izzy )))))))

So glad to hear that your book has arrived today Healing the Shame that Binds You and I am sure it will be a great eye opener and immense help too.

When is your first session with your new therapist??  Not having ever had a therapist, have to say, that I am not fully conversant with any of those techniques, so I feel inadequate in my response.

With regard to .....

This reminds me of a lecture I attended when the speaker said that we are born who we are, then others (nurses, doctor, parents, then teachers and friends, then bosses and friends) have led us so far away from who we are that we spend the rest of our life trying to find out!

Wholeheartedly agree and my own life experiences can testify.


Just want to say that I have valued you as a person here on the board and you have truly been an inspiration to me.

((( Leah )))

[Hopalong]

Izzy, hon.
I'm sorry I haven't posted on this thread.
It's too close to home.

I think you just feel unloved by your daughter and that is breaking your heart.
So you try to understand what the problem is by holding every communication under a microscope.

I don't think you're crazy, Izzy.
But you might be a little isolated.

I think you need love in your life.
And deserve it.

love,
Hops

[isittoolate]

Damn I lost my whole post
Later Leah and Hops!
Iz

[Gaining Strength]

I hate it when that happens!