Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
For Sally
Sally:
Survivor: Gosh, I thought that trick of sending too small clothes was developed by my dear mother, guess not!! So sorry for you. It is such a mean thing to do, isn't it? Send a gift that you cannot possibly use! Oh, and we have one other strange custom in my family. Writing thank you notes. If one does not write a thank you note even to family members, then we also don't exist. It becomes a terrible trap. You don't exist if you are perceived as anything more than five pounds overweight, but if you are sent a size small that certainly won't fit; you are still expected to write a glowing thank you note about how much you loved it! That was just like harping on my weight/size all of the time and baking fresh batches of cookies each week that I shouldn't eat! AARRRGGHHH!!!!
So, my one stab at freedom with that whole issue was to not write a thank you note, so at least I wasn't lying, and then give the clothes to my best friend who really is a small. My friend loves it and can't wait for my birthday and Christmas !!
Like you Survivor, I also was the BIG GIRL in the family. I'm 5'7", my mother and sister are both just 5' probably 100lbs. wet! I also have large bones, and they have these little bitty bones...kind of like chicken wings. Oh well, I can never win. Sounds like you can't either!! So here's to us the big and beautiful members of those families!!! Hugs. Sally
Sally:
Rosencrantz: Interesting thought and especially interesting with Surf's comment's just above yours. I think that I actually felt both when he was not around and acting as if he couldn't care less. I think I felt both invisible and as if I didn't exist. But the feeling that came up yesterday was certainly non-existance.
And, I am definetly an introvert, not extrovert. Was made to act like an extrovert all my life which felt so false, and I would get so tired all of the time! It was so nice to know when I no longer had to play that game that I could get more sleep!!!
So, I think it is the non-existence, and if Surf's thought is right, which I think it probably is, I learned that, felt that as an infant with my mother. And, it would fit. The only reason I was born was so that my mother could try and keep my father from running off with the woman he was having an affair with (that affair went on for 30 years). My father divorced my mother and married his mistress five years before he died of brain cancer, I was in my mid 30's by then.
The thought of looking in to my mother's face, even as an adult, is a terrifying experience. She really looks evil. She has these blank eyes and fake smile, it sends chills down my back even today just to think about it. Imagine what it must have been like to look into her face as an infant and try to get some feeling of existing? She was definetly a woman who never should have had children.
Rosencrantz thanks for your posts and help these past couple of days. I'm feeling soooo much better today. Have hope. Just know I am going to get through this! Hugs. Sally
surf14:
Sally, Sayyy, I'm so glad you got back on the board tonight. I was kind of worried today and hoped you were OK. Am glad you are feeling better!
But I had to laugh at this: "So, my one stab at freedom with that whole issue was to not write a thank you note, so at least I wasn't lying, and then give the clothes to my best friend who really is a small. My friend loves it and can't wait for my birthday and Christmas !!
We have a thank you note issue in my family too; interesting how similar this is. You just simply have to write one everytime irregardless or you are just BAD. But your reference to rebelling by not writing to thank for the miss-sized clothes, and then giving them to your friend who can't wait for your birthday to arrive...ha ha :lol: :lol: . Good way to deal with this craziness!
Sounds like you're putting it all together now Sally with lightening speed. I'm very satisfied to hear this. Take care. Surf.
Survivor:
Sally and Surf14,
:o WOW!!! I can't believe all of us have the same "Thank-You Note" history! I have a huge stack of assorted Thank-You cards in my house for having been brought up to do this. My daughters, who are now 21 and 18, also know this practice. It all came from my NMother . . . but do you think SHE ever sends one? Never! The crazy thing is, we never expected one from her for years, but knew we all had to send them! Not any more . . . we don't even speak to her now.
Sally . . . my sister and mother are both very small too (but I love my sister - we get along great). I always wondered why I was a "giant" and "big boned" girl. I'm 5'8" and shop at Layne "Giant" (Layne Bryant) as my mom would call it! The funny thing is, my daughters are 6'1" and 5'11" and my mom has never said anything to either of them. Ironically, they LOVE being so tall since they were not raised by her. I like being tall now too.
Thanks for the laughs : :lol: :lol: . . . I feel like I've finally found my "home" where I can relate . . . thanks so much!
Survivor
clj_writes:
Sally,
I have been reading a great book* that addressed my own sense of invisibility. It says people typically act either like their parents or opposite them or (and this is the one that I'd never considered) treat themselves like their parents treated them. Our mothers treated us as invisible in a sense so it is logical we treat ourselves the same way. The freeing thing is that we can repattern this!
On the size issue, my mother and I are the same size but she always wanted clothes from me. I'm 41 and she still wears my clothes I discarded decades ago. Super creepy based on the posts in reply to yours!
Take care. It sounds like you are making great progress!
Christy
* The book is Where Freedom Begins and is excellent for working out parental issues. It was recommended by a Sister of Mercy who used to do week long workshops with it.
Here's a link: http://www.bestwebbuys.com/books/compare/isbn/0914728792/isrc/b-home-search
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version