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I am a spouse of a N.

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mary:

Hello,
I am the spouse of a Narcissistic man.  We have been married a long time.  I have always know that I was living a strange life but never understood what the problem really was.  Now I have two children in therapy trying to get their lives in order.  I feel so bad that I did not understand better.  I feel so bad for all of us.  WE are in therapy together.  My husband does not understand what is going on.  I think soon  the therapist will explain to him that he is N but it is step by step.  This is so sad.   His mother is N and very manipulative.  I always wondered what was wrong with me.  Why couldn't  I get along better with her.  When I was told she is a N I just cried.  Understanding why I have such a weird life is helping me.  It is helping my kids.   The therapist says that my kids can get help and get passed this and have good lives.  I can only hope.  :?

October:

--- Quote from: mary ---
Hello,
I am the spouse of a Narcissistic man.  We have been married a long time.  ....   Understanding why I have such a weird life is helping me.  It is helping my kids.   The therapist says that my kids can get help and get passed this and have good lives.  I can only hope.  :?
--- End quote ---


Hi Mary.  This is a difficult thing to understand, but it will help you to put the pieces of the jigsaw together, and also to stop blaming yourself for not being able to keep your husband happy in this marriage.

I think the last thing you will need at present is lots of useful advice from someone completely different, so I will not attempt that, only to say that along the way you may have lost touch with who you are in an attempt to keep things calm and 'normal', and if you can find that person again it will help you.  If there is anything you used to do for leisure or recreation before your marriage, and which somehow you have never had time for since, then perhaps you could consider finding time again now, if it is at all possible, to refind the person who has been submerged.  Make yourself the priority for once.

Thinking of you.

VS:
Hi Mary, I know how you must be feeling because I am also in your situation.  You may be blaming yourself for getting into this situation, not seeing it, now the kids are in it ... etc.  No way.  It is not your fault.  Period.  You were faced with developing whatever vulnerabilities that you had/have in order to survive what you had to in your own life.
You have made the most important step that there is.  You are recognizing it and getting help with therapy.  Because of my own experience, I know that this will make all of you stronger and stronger.  

You and the kids (you have not mentioned how old they are), will learn not only skills to deal with the narcissists, but will strengthen your own sense of self.  The whole process is really empowering.  And you will all learn how in the future to spot it (darn quickly, I must say!), and avoid it.  There are many narcissists for sure that will cross their paths in the future. This is an incredibly valuable life lesson for all of you, that frankly many people never get to, and they will repeat the same patterns over and over again.

I found it also very helpful to read, read, and read (Dr. Grossman's list is excellent, and I would also highly recommend all of Alice Miller's work). I wish you much success in your "healing journey". You are already well on your way.   :D

rosencrantz:
Yes, I agree with these posts.  Mary, as a child of an N, I'd say it's the truth that matters most - and that's what you are giving your children now.  The truth heals.  And a shared truth (ie between you and the children) is validation.  Sharing the honest regret is good, too.  As long as each of you takes responsibility for your own journey to health from now on (ie no blaming), I think you can't fail.  Good luck.
R

mary:
I want to thank each of you for your supportive posts.  I am so lost in how I feel right now.   I am trying to figure out was is real.  I blame myself and keep trying to figure out what I could have done differently to shield my children from this.  I know I have got to stop doing that and make myself look forward...move forward.  My kids are getting help and they are turning to each other to help understand all this better.  I am sure as time goes on I will do better with this.  I feel so much guilt...I feel shame for having married and stayed in the marriage.  My husband has at times made me feel like he would abandon me then there were times that were really good.  There were times when his behavior was an embarrasesment.  Nothing has ever been predictable.  We have mainly moved from crisis to crisis as long as we have been together.   I have tried to keep life in the home calm and at a  calm level without so much contsant upheavel.  I guess in reality I did not do so well with that.  IT has been draining to do this. It has taken all that is in me just about to do it.  When I found out what is so terribly wrong with our family I wanted to run but then I realized that nothing had changed...now it just has a name and  I can learn more about it and understand it.  Funny thing it has helped me to write this down.  IT has helped me to read your response.  Thanks.

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