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Anger and frustration

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autumn:
This is my first post - I just found this site yesterday and am so happy it exists.
Three years after my therapist suggested I read about Ns. I finally did because the man I was seeing was driving me crazy and I had a feeling he just might fit the profile - and how ! And so does my mother. This is where it all falls apart.
I've been trying to forgive my mother for a traumatic childhood - knowing she did her best as a single mother - even though moving me all around the country wasn't very nice, it kept things interesting, and meant that I ended up meeting a lot of people that became support for me, Thank God.

So, I read "Trapped in the Mirror" and now I'm %&*#(*^furious with my mother for turning me into the emotionally constipated person that I am.
 I saw her yesterday for the first time in months - I usually manage to keep our visits down to once a year - and I was completely incapable of being kind or even reasonable. Every word she said made me want to scream - I had to walk away at least 5 times - and this was in the course of about 45 minutes.

This was all made more difficult than it might have been otherwise because my "boyfriend" finally broke up with me on Monday. It's something I've been praying would happen because he's the angriest, meanest N I've ever spent time with, and he wouldn't stand for being broken up with - but I'm much more upset than I expected. Of course it's for the best, we were terrible for each other, but - I just feel like all of my skin has been scraped off.

What am I asking here ? Hmmm...
I just want to feel better. When I try to talk to my friends about this, I'm speachless. I don't know how to explain all of the layers to this pain.
Understanding why I have the difficulties I do communicating (the bane of my existance) seeing my mother up to all of her old tricks, the top of that list being that she blames my lack of trust for her on any and everything other than herself, seeing the boyfriend do the same thing, and then anger at myself for being upset that he's broken up with me ! Worst of all, I live with him and don't want to move out of a really great house....
these all sound like problems that a 33 year old should be past.

I see so much behaviour now that I believe is because of the N mother, but that doesn't mean that I can change immediately, does it ? I sure would like to !

Phew - I kind of do feel better.

Any insight into dealing with the offending parent in a mature and constructive manner ? I guess I should mention that I left home when I was 16, so she thinks this gives her the right to treat me like I'm still 16 since she's hardly seen me since then.

Thanks for being out there !
Autumn

Anonymous:
Hi Autumn,

you'll find lots of advice here on dealing with an offending parent. What is it that you feel that you want or need from your mother? I got so sick and scared of my mother that what I wanted from her was to stay far away from me, in eternity too if possible. And what I needed from her is that she respect my wishes in this regard and stay far far away.. Full stop.

Yes, don't these mother's who drag us around the country and never let us put down roots, make us dependant little things, and oh so dependant on them. My mother did this, and it turned me into such a social creature, I can relate to anyone, anywhere, anytime. There's not a type of person I haven't met, and I can get along with everybody. What a valuable skill. But I hated the price I had to pay to become such an accomodating character. Where are my roots? Who the @#%* am I? AAHHH, am I digressing, please excuse me?

Anyway autumn, enough about me, let's get back to you girl. If you can work it out with your mum, good. But if it were me, I wouldn't spend too much energy on it. If I were you, I'd focus on me and my life and what I want at the ripe old age of 33. Heck, oh to be 33 again!

Does she deserve any more time, your mother? How much has she given you? Scale of 1 to 100. 1 being lousy parenting and 100 being fantastic. Can you give a rough guesstimate.

The boyfriend, good riddance! You may not think so now, but he's a dime a dozen. You can do better. Forget the house, go live in a squat for a while with some really loving people. (I'm kidding). See which one feels more like home. On our death bed we never talk about houses apparently, it's mainly our children and people we love. I stayed once for a house, or partly that was the reason, our dream home we had built for our children. No worries, it was worth it (not!), I just paid for it with 15 years of my life. Boo-Hoo, Sob-Sob.

Anyway Autumn, you sound so hurt and sincere and I just want to finish by saying, "You have to look after you. No-one else is going to or can make your decisions for you with just your best interests at heart. They'll make their decisions in their best interests, which may or may not include yours." I wish you well and welcome.

Guest

Sally (sslichterj):
Hi Autumn, well, you have certainly come to the right place.  I think if you can spend sometime reading all of the posts (or as many as you can) on this site, it will be a big start in answering all of your questions.

Feeling awful because a mean Narcissist has left you after being raised by a Narcissistic Mother means you are right on track.  Children of Narcissists are attracted to Narcissists partners because the behavior of a Narcissist is familiar to us and it is the only kind of love? we learned to understand.  And leaving an N will bring on all sorts of childhood fears and anger that we first developed as children of Narcissists.

For now, I'd just focus on trying to understand a Narcissists behavior and that will help answer some of your questions. In the meantime, breathe deeply, and keep coming back to this site where all of us have suffered similar anger and frustration.  Hugs.  Sally

rosencrantz:

--- Quote ---Any insight into dealing with the offending parent in a mature and constructive manner
--- End quote ---


Totally impossible - the two halves of that sentence simply can't co-exist when dealing with an N parent.

You're right to forgive for the peripatetic lifestyle and the single parenting bit.  What's you've discovered doesn't change that.  But you'll never 'win', you'll never get your point across or acknowledged so attempting to express your anger is pointless - they don't stand still long enough for you to reach them and they'll 'ping' it back at you anyway so you'll just feel worse.  


--- Quote ---I live with him and don't want to move out of a really great house....
--- End quote ---


Ouch!  A little alert went off for me when I read this.  Be careful - this is something that could trip you up!!  Think about it this way : do you want a great house or your sanity and integrity?????  OR put yourself in your own shoes three years' from now : choosing which path will have brought you most rewards - wiggling back into the relationship for the sake of the house or making the most of the opportunity and just moving on???   :wink:   And whether you want the breakup or not, you still have to go through the process of handling 'loss' - letting go of the past and moving into an uncertain future.

Big turning point for you - Good luck.
R

seeker:
Hello Autumn!

Well, I'm older than you and I'm still trying to "emotionally leave home".  And, yes, you're in the right place!

The whole N thing stinks.  Sometimes when the psycho terms don't work, the old school vocabulary still does.  Some parents are just selfish, mean, and verbally abusive.  No one wants to give up on the Nurturing Parent myth, so other folks just don't get it.  I haven't tried this but maybe one day I will ask a friend who is curious, "hey, did you ever go to school with somebody who talked really loud, who wouldnt share, who had to always be first in line, who had to put everyone else down, or accuse others of being wrong all the time?  Well, they're still the same and they have kids too.  You're looking at one."  Worth a try anyway.

As for the boyfriend, ugh.  I once read in a book about clutter  8)  that if you get rid of stuff you don't need, you make room for something better when it comes along.  So I'm glad you are clutter-free in the crummy boyfriend dept.  :)

As for your mom, I agree with Rosencrantz.  Do not discuss anything meaningful.  You'll just disappoint yourself.  If you have to deal with her at all, just stick to the weather.  Try not to get hooked into her opinions of you (this is really hard and takes practice).  

Good luck on sorting this out, Autumn.  It's going to feel icky to look at and feel your pain until you get a handle on it.  But you will.  Best, Seeker

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