Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Anger and frustration
DesolateFox:
Seeker-
Ah, you hit the nail on the head. I always end up taking in my mother's opinion of me, even in the tiniest, most abstract conversation. She will say things to me that I can't imagine saying the the most evil, hated person on the planet. I'd have been nicer to Hitler (well... ). And I have always fallen for it. Somehow, years after first seeing the title of a book about N parents, I am starting to work on this, and bought a couple of books (one I'm taking back). It makes me feel guilty and trapped and
"bad" to think of not being there to take my mother's abuse. Though I don't take my dad's anymore (I cut him off for 5 years, and that helped).
I hope that by posting here, reading posts, and getting support, I can finally break free from the woman I call "the Evil One" as in, "Hubby, don't answer the phone, it's the phone number of the 'Evil One.'" Sadly for me, he had to ask who I meant. 'Cause my dad's no "picnic" either.
Thanks all for being here. I can feel the walls starting to crash down, and I am excited about what my life can become!
Wildflower:
Hi Autumn and welcome! :D
--- Quote ---Any insight into dealing with the offending parent in a mature and constructive manner?
--- End quote ---
Your passage about having to walk away from your mom so many times over the course of 45 minutes really struck me and reminded me of a time when just being near either of my parents made me so angry I couldn't see straight.
I agree with the other posters that we can pretty much count on never having a meaningful, kind, or mature relationship with an N, but I still have hope that there are ways to interact with them that allow me to continue to nurture my positive self-image as opposed to leaving me feeling angry, used, and guilty about things I wish I hadn't said.
Last night I was browsing around in Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, by Susan Forward when I came across an interesting section that talks about responding versus reacting:
--- Quote ---When you allow your emotional ractions to become automatic, you're giving up control, handing your feelings to someone else on a silver platter. This gives other people enormous power over you.
The opposite of being reactive is being responsive. When you're being responsive, you are thinking as well as feeling. You're aware of your feelings but you don't let them drive you to act impulsively.
Responsiveness also allows you to maintain your sense of self-worth, despite anything your parents might say about you. This is extremely rewarding. The thoughts and feeligs of others no longer drag you into a pit of self-doubt. You will see all sorts of new options and choices in your dealings with other people because your perspective and your sense of reason are not being buried by emotions. Responsiveness can put back into your hands a good deal of your control over life.
...
If you can stay calm and refuse to be stampeded, then you retain the power.
...
Here are some examples of nondefensive responses that you can try using in your daily interactions:
- Oh?
- Oh, I see.
- That's interesting.
- You're certainly entitled to your opinion.
- I'm sorry you don't approve.
- Let me think about that.
- Why don't we talk about this when you're not so upset.
- I'm sorry you're hurt (upset, disappointed)
--- End quote ---
Anyway, you're definitely in the right place and there are many here who have so much wonderful support and advice to offer. Glad to have you here! :D
Wildflower
Wildflower:
Hi Jacmac,
It's a pretty good book, isn't it? I like that it covers lots of different styles of abuse. Even though most of us are dealing specifically with N's, it seems that their N-ness either bleeds into or causes other forms of abuse - making everything all the more confusing!! :roll:
--- Quote ---and then to finally realize that their anger has NOTHING to do with you
--- End quote ---
I'm beginning to see the value in ANYTHING that causes you to have a moment when you realize, right down to your bones, that what the N is doing has nothing to do with you. It's by knowing this - and I mean knowing this, that we are finally able to free ourselves.
Yesterday morning I had an epiphany of sorts in which I realized that I was like the rent to Mom. I was just another responsibility that she couldn't face and hoped someone would take off her hands. She did what she could, when she could, but most of the time, she was much happier to be sleeping or working on her hobbies. And as I began to think of her current issues in life as one long continuing pattern, it dawned on me that just as she expects people to come to her rescue without really understanding that we work very hard to build our own lives, maybe it never occurred to her how much her boyfriend (my acting dad) took care of me. I realized that maybe she thought I'd magically take care of myself, feed myself, discipline myself after he left - just as I always had.
When I realized that my mom just didn't understand, and that this pattern of avoidance and neglect shows up across so many aspects of her life, I realized that it wasn't that she didn't love me. It wasn't that I was a difficult or horrible or monstrous child. I was just a normal kid with normal needs - but those needs were still too overwhelming for her to deal with - so she just didn't. But this doesn't make me angry or even sad. I've already felt so much of that over the years. I just feel relief.
Wildflower
surf14:
Hi; the reference to Susan Foreward's book caught my eye as I was reading this post. I think I described on another post how I used the technique in her book ten years ago to confront my mother with the childhood abuse she and my dad had dished out . Her response was as bad as Susan Foreward predicts it may be with denials, and then accusations that I was a cruel and wicked person to have lied like this. (she even swore on the bible that these things had not happened; that level of denial astounded me!)
She wouldn't talk to me for several years and is still angry at me for bringing this up although she admitted to it several years ago when SHE brought up the issue again. My Mom then got furious with me AGAIN for having acknowleged that she had lied about the abuse when I first confronted her and then turned her back on me.. AAiiggg I can't win.
I think the book is a good one and Ms Foreward does warn you that your parents reaction might be radical.
Jacmac: I'm really impressed with your putting into action responding rather than reacting. You're way out ahead of me there! Being able to do this almost reminds me of Thich Nhat Hnah's being mindful; you almost have to step back I'm sure and detach in order to do this, being mindful of how you feel and keeping your breathing, or center, or what ever, even. Surf
sgirl:
Hey Autumn,
I only read your original message, and did not read all of the replies, so I apologize if I am repeating anything anyone else said here.
While I did not have a traumatic childhood, the articles written on this website about voicelessness made so much sense to me. My parents were both really good to me; however, I think there was a sense of "take care of her, love her" - but there was no "play with her, enter her world". I am not at all bitter about my past; however, things just make sense now.
As for your break-up, I can completely understand. I was involved with someone for 2 years, and while the first few months were great, the majority of those 2 years were bad. EVERYone around me could see how bad the relationship was for me. in fact, I could see it, too - i just refused to believe it. When it ended, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach - even though it was definitely for the best. He was incredibly selfish and childish. in fact, it never really "officially" ended - he just stopped calling me. And then i learned, and not from hiim, that he had been seeing someone else. While I wasn't surprised, it still really hurt to learn this information - especially considering this other woman was around while i was still very much in the picture.
One thing that I have learned, and am still learning, is that all change takes time. For me, that is the hardest part. I just want to feel all better immediately. Two months have passed since the unofficial break-up, and i know I've come a long way. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts, but not as intensely as before.
And they say that everything happens for a reason - I think this relationship I was in has taught me a lot about myself - and that I will accept myself, no matter what.
I know the same will happen for you. It takes a lot of time, a lot of soul searching, but you'll get there. And like you said, the support of friends is invaluable.
You're not alone out there!
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