Update and new therapist--

[isittoolate]

Hello all

I have an appointment on Thursday with my new therapist and am curious as to what she'll say.

Long ago and more recent therapy proved fruitless---wrong questions?---wrong answers? I don't know because I didn't know about many things to give the therapist(s) a clue.

But I now feel armed with two new words, 'voicelessness' and 'shame'

Also, I was reading the suicidal posts and the pming posts and just stayed in neutral territory.

I sometimes don't have the words to to express properly what I think I am feeling so I zip my lip. When/If I ever get in touch with who I really am, get in touch with my real feelings, I might do better. I do know this is a 'false self' re my shame-based life.

EDITed in: I am beginning to feel that the problem between my daughter and me is more on my side, and that maybe paradoxilly I might have been a better mother than I thought/than my mother, as at least my daughter recognized my problen, yet she didn't know how to express it, so-----ran! My way of comunicating as she became older was one of 'fear' that I would make a mistake and now she was old enough to understand. You are what you think?

I check in every day, but might not post.

Love to all                    
Izzy

[mudpuppy]

I sometimes don't have the words to to express properly what I think I am feeling so I zip my lip.

Would that that were a universal trait.

Also, I was reading the suicidal posts and the pming posts and just stayed in neutral territory........
 When/If I ever get in touch with who I really am, get in touch with my real feelings, I might do better.

Staying neutral is often a virtue unto itself, and a rare one. I think you're doing pretty well already, Izzy.

mud

[isittoolate]

Thank you mud,

To not join the fray is my way to stay out of trouble and avoid critcism as well, for my choice of words.

Love
Izzy

[Gaining Strength]

Wow Izzy.  It sounds like you are making remarkable progress.  I salute you. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[isittoolate]

Dearest GS

I am happy you think so. I hope I am not going overboard with all my searching and researching, but I have to get inside my own mind to be able to answer a therapist correctly.

xxx
Izzy

[Lupita]

Izzi, you sound so knowledgeable. Human behavior is so complicated. Bravo for you!!!! Keep us posted. Love,
Lupita

[isittoolate]

Hi tt

Early on out of denial,

In my searching I am not in denial. I am searching for the truth and I've been everywhere, man! I had every disorder in the book, until I really, really concentrated on ME and narrowed many things down..

I see in reading about a shame-based life, that I am living a 'false life' -- I recognized something like that before, but I knew I was not a split personality, but I felt like two people, the part I had to hide and the part that I would show to the public. I now see it in Print by John Bradshaw..

Maybe a therapist will not approve of my 'self diagnosis', but I  hope she will understand it much better now that I have words "shame-based life  and voicelessness."

An updater just in case--I am 67 almost 68, went to a psychiatrist at 19 and have been in and out of therapy all along, trying to discover my problem. It was living with a narcissistic psychopath that led me to learn about Personality Disorders--- and to where I am now.

Do you realize how HAPPY I am to be defective and be able to prove it? ........rather than just dropping another therapist because we weren't getting anywhere!

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Love
Izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy

[isittoolate]

Izzi, you sound so knowledgeable. Human behavior is so complicated. Bravo for you!!!! Keep us posted. Love,
Lupita

Thank you Lupita
You are such a sweetheart!!

xxxxxxxxx
Izzy

[isittoolate]

hi again tt
Sooooooooooooo glad you understand.

For years and years I knew something in my head but no way could I express it in words. Imagine, with one wheel in the grave, I am trying to perfect my character and personality to be welcome whereever I go when the second wheel topples me in.

I am who I am from somewhere but not in my FOO--no inner child work-- only ascerbic one and only one really interested in music. Hmmmmmmmmm Wonder if mommy fooled round? OMG what a thought! Only one without red hair. Hmmmmmmmmm

Yes. I am building a cake, one layer at a time--gonna be huge!

"If I am in denial about anything, I don't know it." Glad you said it's clear I am not!

xx
Izzy

[gratitude28]

Iz,
I think it is a VERY GOOD trait to not react/chime in on situations all the time.
I think during my recovery I have been able to separate myself from so much that I would have "owned" before.
And, like you said, with the going on here on the board, I'd have been posting non-stop trying to make everyone happy and calm the conflict. I spent too much of my time doing that. Any sort of conflict scared me before. Now, unless it is "mine." I can sit back and see it and not break out into a sweat.
Good luck wiht the new therapist. I hope he/she will be able to provide what you need now that you know better how to ask for what you want
Love, Beth

[isittoolate]

Thank you Beth,

I appreciate/agree with everything you said.

I am thinking positively about the therapist.

I found her, in my city, over the Internt, emailed bacl and forth. and everything is settled. Her place of business, where to park, which room to enter to wait until she comes for me, only cash or cheque, no Interac or credit cards.

That works two ways. She has set down her rules ahead of time, and I know ahead of time the etiquette and the 'rules'.

Love
Izzy

[Lupita]

Hi Izz, how are you today? Let us know how was your new therapist. I had one very bad in the past. I do not know how to search. Where to look for. Most of it, somebody that charges in a sliding scale.
God bless,
Lupita