Hiya Hops:
So sorry things are so hard for you and your mom. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make all your troubles go away.
Wouldn't that be lovely? Best I can do is suggest you take some deep breaths, try to relax, and imagine that to be the case, for a little while. Just to give your head and heart a rest and dream of something comfortable and happy eh?
I've been reading about guilt lately because I believe I'm a master at it. Here's some stuff I've found helpful....maybe it will help you a little too?
Apparently you and I are not the only ones who do the guilt thing to ourselves.
So we're not alone and that makes us more normal than not. One thing you're doing right is discussing your feelings, which is supposed to really help (which fits with my favorite motto: better out than in
). Sharing often helps a person to see that what they did or thought or felt wasn't so horrible. So keep talking!
I'm thinking that you feel guilty for leaving the hospital? For hating having to watch and care for her as she suffers? Maybe even for not being able to do anything that helps, when she gets like this?
I love logic so I'll go there first. How logical would it be to sit in the uncomfortable chair in ER, as your back spasms? Who would that help? Can you forgive yourself for that part...since it only makes sense that you must take care of your back if you want to keep caring for your mom?
Ok. Who would love to watch and care for their suffering mother? Hey! Don't everbody pipe up here at once!! Get in line!!
The way you do....day in day out....the way you try so hard and worry so much.... Who in their right mind would enjoy that? Is it not logical, again, that just about anyone (save a sadist) would hate having to do it? Can you forgive yourself....for being normal Hops? (and not the slightest sadistic to boot?
)
Last, if anyone can help.....wouldn't that be the docs and nurses who have the knowledge, the meds, the equipment, the experience, the man power, the objectivity, the training, the support (of eachother), the energy, backs that aren't spasming, etc? What do you expect of yourself.....to be all of that and then some? Can you forgive yourself for having some wonderful gifts that have helped you along this far but for not having all it takes to really help right now? And really.....calling 911 did help because she is now much more comfortable and being taken care of eh? She is safe and you made that happen Hops.
And while your at it......will you forgive yourself for having this break and use it to refuel and re-energize as best you can? Won't that make you a better care-giver, in the end, and be the best help to all?
((((((((Hops)))))))))
If none of this works.....think about what you would say to your D if she were in your shoes and you in your mom's? What would you expect of her, if you had your normal faculties and all? Would you lay the guilt on her? I bet not. Betcha not!
If one definition of guilt is:
a negative, paralysing emotion, based on non-acceptance of oneself or the situation, and it leads to depression and frustration rather than change or improvement.
How is guilt helping you or your mom?
How responsible are you? Do you have power to make this situation positive? Will you let go of the paralysing emotion of guilt, for now? Will you accept that you have done, are doing and will continue to do your best, in this situation? How about thinking the best thoughts you can muster and decide on a plan that works for you?
If none of that works....what about your intentions? You know what they are in this situation.....are they really so awful and are you actually capable of doing so much more? Would you expect more of others?
Better intentions?
Hey! I've had to drill myself this way and it helped. I made sense to myself and felt better! Ha!! I make sense to me!!
Maybe the only one but hey! Who's counting?
Take care of you tonight Hops and try to get a good rest. Your mom will be fine. They will take care of her and you can sleep soundly knowing that. You've done the best anyone could do. Please accept that and forgive yourself for being human and not having a magic wand. Tonight, I'd certainly give you mine, if I had one. But neither of us does eh? So the best we can do is think the best way to solve what can be solved and let go of what we simply cannot fix/change/do better at. You're a good, loving daughter Hops. Who could dream of more than that?
Sela
