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grrrrr

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cj:
I'm glad this board is here.

Its only now I feel I am realising how 'lost' I have been. Why should i be anxious around my parents for example?
Well, I really don't believe that could be attributed to genes soley.
You love someone, you shouldn't be scared of them, if there is nothing to fear. Right? If they love you? Quite logical. So... they have ****** me up a lot it would appear. This in part relief, to realise, while combined with no doubt anger, (soon to surface). Also my 'self' seems to be coming back slowly or at least feelings.

Today I got an email from my cousin in the other side of the country.
She knows of my situation (no family mentionings though on my part, as yet) re: depression. She suggested I come over, telling me they have a spare room, and 'a holiday would be good for me!'. It would be great to see me she says, and one of my cousins has a terminal illness as well incidently.
I've never been close to my cousins. Party, I reason through social anxiety, even around them. And never thinking about it. We've always been a 'cliquey' 'family'. (I recal my grandad calling her hubby 'weird'.
'My' 'family' have always been a bit... well...funny about them.
My grandad resents it seems his sister 'deserting' the family (this goes back a while). My mother talks of her aunt (my aunt) in way which is sometimes...well i dunno...maybe she is jealous. Even thought she speaks on the phone to her a lot etc. Now the crux of this is......I DONT EVEN KNOW what I think??????!!!!!!!! My social anxiety aside, what do i think of my relatives??? It made me realise, along with (only since the net, and my uncle passing away, and a resulting visit from my relatives) having had contact more than usual (almost none) with them..... and some sparse visits now and again..... that I dont know what i feel!!!!!!
I'm actually starting to realsie i have so little idea what i feel about things. Like I havent been there.! Havent been a person! Not really!
I have a feeling if I DID go, without my parents, it was cause problems, although i can't say how. Sorry....its just i am realsing how I have been so subservant with my parents.....suppressing my feelings, and supressing my self because of the potential outcome of *not* repressing them. I feel a fool. This is all guesswork by the way, because I don't really know what 'I' feel.

clj_writes:
cj,
I know this "don't know how I feel" place.  My parents also controlled my thoughts to a great extent. (Until a year ago I thought they could read my mind...this wasn't a conscious thing but I did believe they'd find out anyway so I might as well tell them everything.)  

Anyway, the good news is now you can start figuring out how *you* feel independently of how others think you "should" feel.  If you visit your relatives out of curiosity to see if you do like them and resonate with them, you may have a surprisingly good time.  Or not!  Either way you would have data on how you feel.  

The difficulty comes, of course, if there is emotional charge from other family members on the issue.  Perhaps you could test the "what do I feel" waters on smaller things for some practice first?  It will take time to remember who you are and what you believe after years of having to camoflauge it!

Good luck with this!  :)

rosencrantz:
One thing you might find useful is to work out the difference between what you 'think' and what you 'feel'.   :?

I 'think' it's one of those things we ACONs find difficult to differentiate between (at first).   :wink:
R

clj_writes:
Now it is my turn to want to "grrr"!  I've only realized I'm probably an ACON in the past day and the issues I've spent years figuring out (like the thoughts versus feelings one) are surfacing as common knowledge!  I wonder what other "obvious" things I've been missing!!!!  Anyone got a master list of typical ACON manifestations handy?

:) Thanks, R, for the wake-up call.

cj:
Thanks for the replies. Its really weird thinking about this. Its like i have been in a bubble. Brainwashed even. I didn't even realsie how unevolved my sense of self was all these years, if it was (see, still in denial(?).)
Today my grandad chapped on my room door and asked if i would call him a taxi. (so he could get to the pub of course!).
I said 'eh, I've no money in my phone.' and looked a bit puzzled.
He looked up at the window (it was raining and cold outside) and looked sorta (what am i gonna do now). It was like as if I was supposed to jump up and say' Oh no, its raining and cold! How ARE we going to get you from A to B, when its raining and cold outside???I think 'we' have a crisis on our hands here!'.
LOL, I mean there is a phone box a few yards from my house y'know??lol.
He had money in his hand, and I seriously thought he thought i might actually offer to go along in the rain and call him a cab. Eh, no way!
And wouldya know it, when i went downstairs 20 minutes later, he was gone! No problems after all then.*ahem*
I dunno, I'm starting to realise my family is waaaay disfuctional.
My mother always runs errands for my g/d, always has done it seems. I think he has taken on a role of victim, so you can never critise anythign he says or does, or he will (partly spoken by my mum) be upset. And yeah, she seems to have fallen for it too.
The upshot of it of course, is my mum never feels appreciated, and no doubt I've gotten someof the resentment shot my way in the past. So many screwed up things going on there. And games on both peoples part no doubt! I remember my mother using guilt on HIM at times, (when she couldn't get what she wanted), because when i was a kid he 'used to' take me for a walk on saturday mornings into town, and making him feel guilty because he didn't seem interested in doing it anymore.
So yeah, this reminded me of that 'poor' him role, and 'dont do anything to upset him'. Had to type this, as I have to get it out!!!!
I'm wondering how essential family is, anyway.
Can you exist without them, I mean totally cut of and not suffer for it? I mean sorry but lifes short, and for these things to be going on for so long in it, I can't imagine them changing. Its just too much, and goes to far back. These guys certainly aren't gonna entertain therapy! I'm strting to think all they could ever be to me is a hindrence.

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