Hops,
I feel really humbled by your post. Normally, you've been the one to help me and others, with your witty insights and strength. This time, it is you who seeks some guidance, and I feel so strange trying to give input to the great Voicelessness guru of the board.
One thing that has helped me with accepting when my children don't want me to be part of their lives, is to realize that, once my job raising them is done, they are now accountable to God on their own. Most grown up children tend to not want MOM involved in their lives at times. The dysfunctional children are even more likely to push us away. It's important to realize that those adult-children are SEPARATE from us. They have their own minds, wills, emotions, plans, dreams, intentions, attitudes, actions. If they went and robbed a bank, for instance, it would be THEY who spent time in jail, NOT US.
The biggest travesty I've seen in situations where the parent pines for the adult-child, is that the parent is still not allowing or accepting the child's individuation, even years later.
Sometimes I might be able to still "hold" my adult child, but I always must remember that I can never ever "keep" her.
Hope that makes some sense.
~Laura