Thought of Something Today I Have Never Thought of Before

[debkor]

I found this when I was reading something.  Wonder if this would really help letting things go.

In her story, Kristin Armstrong writes on her symbolic "letting go:"

"I decided that as a visual person I needed to make a visible statement. I walked up the steps to the lookout point carrying a fistful of helium balloons, one balloon for each ugly thing that I needed to purge. I must have looked ridiculous, like a woman who missed a birthday party, but I walked all the way to the farthest edge and sat down. I said a prayer and named each thing (blame, guilt, regret, fear…) as I let it go, watching each colored balloon swirl away until it became a speck and disappeared into the horizon...Only by learning how to let go do we learn how to hold on to what matters. It's as though the shadows created by loss illuminate what remains; the contrast helps us see with great clarity and appreciation the things we were meant to do, the people who are still with us, and those we love deeply who also love us back."


Love Deb

[quietkate12001]

I just told the live-in boyfriend to leave.

He asked if he had done something wrong.  I told him that he had not but that our relationship was a mistake and that I wanted to be single again.

He did not seem surprised or argue with me.  Maybe he is just as miserable as I am.

I want him, but I also want to be without him.

Input?

                                        KATE

[debkor]

Kate,

Well thats OK to want him and not want him.  I think it's a healthy step.  You both need to figure out whats going on with both of you and separate  it is probably the wise thing. You need to step outside the picture (both of you) and see whats going on (on the inside).  He has some very (real issues) that he needs to deal with before he can be good to anyone Including himself.  Right now it's a self destruct relationship (I believe).  I think our feelings/thoughts become clouded.  You have to step outside it as if you were an on looker and see it clearly. Sometimes you can't sort your feelings/thoughts when you are in the midst of it.  This might be a very good thing Kate for both of you.  Don't look at it as the ending. Look at it as a beginning. As hard as it may be to do.  You might have a lot of resentment that he just moved in with you and once again you feel you are a caretaker.  Take a step out and back.
I use to feel like I had a Parent/child relationship rather then an adult/adult one.
You are not responsible for him. He is a grown man/child. This may be the best thing and he will forced to grow up.

Love
Deb

[quietkate12001]

Thanks Deb.

Right now he says that he will leave when he finds a place to stay, but we do have homeless facilities.  He hasn't had a paycheck since August, and supporting him is not my responsibility.

I don't want to be cruel, just want to box his stuff up and put it on the sidewalk.

My home.  My life.  My call.

It is time to stop being voiceless.

Everyone post.  I need some words of wisdom and encouragement.

                                                                KATE

[Stormchild]

((((((((((Kate))))))))))

[quietkate12001]

Thank you storm.

This really hasn't been a truthful relationship.

Two hurting people hooking up, for sure.  But not truthful.

I want to end it with as little pain as possible.l

                                                            KATE

[Leah]

Kate,

As I recall you did not invite him to 'move in' with you, he settled himself in after being been made homeless by his landlord?  I think I have it right, if not, oops, please correct me.

How about placing on the table phone numbers / details of accommodation available to him??

Basically, he has outstayed his welcome, your hospitality has expired, you cannot meet the additional costs of giving him shelter and food, but, there is help out there for him to seek, find and place himself into.

Thee is work out there, temporary or permanent, there is always something available as a stop gap until one finds something better.

No feeling guilty, you have done enough.  He is not your child, he is not your responsibility.

Time to concentrate on you now because you are worth it.

He does not seem worth the drain on your resources and personal well being that you are forfeiting.

Rather than Enabling ..... you will be Abling - him : to get up and go do something productive with his life.  And that is the best thing for him.  Which is a great kindness to him and for him.  (though I doubt he will see it that way!)

And most certainly this is the best thing by far for you dear Kate.

Very best wishes,

Leah xx

[quietkate12001]

Thank you all.

Yes, Leah, John did sort of move himself in.  He had been spending a lot of time with me when I learned that he had been illegally evicted from his apartment.

And then he quit his job.

So in a few months I woke up one day to find a homeless, jobless man living with me.  Which had never been my intent.

Reviewing his history, I doubt if he has ever been self-supporting for any length of time.  I love him in my way but, as you said, he is draining the life out of me.  I look back to when I met him almost two years ago, and my life has clearly and drastically gone downhill.

Then there is the sex thing.  My n mother more or less made it her job for several years when I was a teenager to see to it that I did not have sex.  And I made it my job to see to it that I did.

My father liked to go to a local racetrack on Saturday nights.  If I was not at a school or church function or babysitting, my mother insisted that I come alone so she could keep an eye on me.

I would meet a boyfriend there, and we would go and have sex in the fields surrounding the racetrack hearing the loudspeaker discuss the race.  Sex was never so good as lying there knowing that my n mother thought that she was keeping me from having sex.

I think that sex might be disproportionatelly important to me, and the more forbidden the better.

Does that have anything to do with voicelessness?

                                                                                       KATE

[Hopalong]

Kate,
I support you in not supporting him.
I support you in exploring why sex needs to be forbidden to be fun.

I heard someone, or read something, once, that made sense to me.

Boys are raised to be brave, and battle, and take physical risks, and test rules.
Girls are raised to be submissive and compliant and stay tidy and follow rules.

So girls' healthy rebellion needs a place to go...and the culture still doesn't provide enough creative innovative opportunities for girls to experience their own power. Instead, girls develop a lot of covert "anti" behavior. Anti Mom is a lot of it.

But it ends up being anti-themselves. Reckless sex, or giving up too much of yourself for sex, is an anti-thing, I think.

That ring any bells?

I am not happy with this period of celibacy lasting so long...but I am happier outside of a reciprocally respectful relationship than I was in bad ones. A man who takes financial advantage of you is not being respectful.

Hops

Hops

[quietkate12001]

Yes, Hopalong, I do have a lot of anti-Mom behavior.  I call it knee jerk.  My mother could make a perfectly good suggestion, and I would reject it as a knee jerk reaction.

As children, my sister would decide she wanted something of mine, generally a toy or a doll.

My mother would tell me to give it to her because, "She's a little girl, and you're a big girl."  (age difference 18 months)

When I was 10-years-old I was going to boycott Christmas, just hand my gifts over unopened to my sister because I realized that she already had every one of my Christmas gifts from the year before.

I started an affair with my sister's husband just about three years ago.

And I would look across the bed at him and think something like, "OK Sister, now I have something of yours, and there is nothing you or mother can do about it."

Sick or healing?

I don't know, but the sex has been incredible.  And it does make family get-togethers far more juicy.

I don't know if it has to do with voicelessness or just that we were never a very physical family.  I was in my early 20's the only time I remember my mother hugging me, and I involuntarily stiffened and flinched.  Now she kisses and hugs other family members at get-togethers, but she hasn't touched me since that day.

[Overcomer]

I had a boyfriend that did not work and always had an excuse for everything but eventually things will get ugly.  Better to break it off before the big stuff starts happening!

[Hopalong]

Kate,
Are you still sleeping with your sister's husband?
Hon, you are accomplishing way more payback than you intended, I think.

Remember your sister was a child, and not responsible for the fact that your mother distorted your relationship with her. It's not your sister's fault that your Nmom doted on her. Your NMom set you up to hate your sister. It's not your sister's fault for existing. It's not her fault that you suffered.
Your NMom set it up that way.

When your sister finds out, you will hurt worse than you do now.

Is there some way you can talk to her husband and explain to him that you have to stop it?

Do you have a good therapist you can talk about these things with? You've got to find the pain underneath the anger and acting out, and release it in SAFE COMPANY. (Your BIL is not safe company. Neither are your sister or mother. A good T is.)

Once it's processed enough, it won't drive your actions any more, and you can have a more peaceful life.

Hops

[Leah]

Kate,

With regard to your first post here on your thread topic, in effect your mother set you on the path of a 'No Win' situation.

"by assuming responsibiltiy for the child's or young person's thoughts and actions (in Nagging or Control) the adult is forcing the child to become either, more dependent or rebellious."

With regard to your last post and Hops reply ............I consider that at present you have your finger firmly placed on your own personal "Self Destruct" button, but, deep down you realize this and are seeking how to go about releasing your finger from the button.

Leah x

[quietkate12001]

Not always easy to find a therapist;

About a year ago, when the bf stole and forged one of my checks and left, I tried to get therapy.

I have no insurance and not a lot of money.  I kept being told that I didn't qualify for various government programs as I was not suicidal. 

Finally I talked with a neighbor who said, "I'm going to take you to Lifeways (our mental health program).  Tell them you need services.  When they say no, sit down and cry.  Then you are in crisis and they have to take you."

They put me on a bus for the hospital for tests.  Never have seen the results, but I keep getting the bills.  Walked out of the hospital with no way home.

But it got me 6 weeks of counselling.

With a woman who meant well but was not a good fit.  She kept talking about codependency and recommending to me books that I read 10 years ago . . .

She said that I could apply for another six weeks if I felt I needed it.

Much easier just to f--- my sister's husband.

I think that when you are voiceless passive-aggressiveness is a pretty natural result.

Haven't seen my sister in over a year (we share an occasional email).  Have seen my mother twice in the last year, both by accident (we live in the same town).

Get all the family news from the brother-in-law.

The brother-in-law treats me better than anyone else in this family.

                                                                                         KATE

[axa]

Kate,

The first thing that strikes me is that you are soooooooooooooo hurting yourself.  Absolutly nothing good can come from your affair with your BIL.  I do not say this from a moral standpoint but from concern for you.  I presume your sister does not know about the affiar so he is lying and cheating on her, as you are.  So what are you doing sleeping with a man you KNOW to be a liar and a cheat.  It is like you both are playing a very destructive game.  You can only loose from this.  It feels like you a form of self abuse.

For what it is worth I dont believe this has anything to do with your sister.  I have a sense that it is you expressing your anger.  There are many ways to let go of this anger which will not hurt you.  Underneath the anger is so much hurt, that is what you need to look at.

As far as BF is concerned.  Honey, you dont need to carry anyone, seems like whatever energy and money you have you need for yourself.  Are there any programmes where you can get cheap therapy.  Is there a university which has a counselling programme in your town.  Often final year students, under supervision, work cheaply with clients. 

I am concerned that you are continuing your mothers game of abuse by hurting yourself.  I have no doubt you get a rush when with BIL but remember for each high there is a corresponding low.

Take care of yourself,

axa