Moving on

[seastorm]

This has been a big week for me.  A lot of anger came up.  I felt enraged about having to lose so much of myself in order to get attention in my family. I felt angry about the huge envy family members had when I did well at school and university. I am the only one who went to university in my family. Instead of being happy for me they cringed at the thought of me getting a BA.  When I got a Masters Degree they were shrivelled up with scorn. How weird is that?
I felt angry at exN finally.  It was searing red hot and it was like being in Hell for me. I had so much adrenalin running in my system for days. Finally, I cooled down and felt more alive than I have felt in a very long time. The sky was bluer, the leaves greener and I was able to be by myself without feeling panic.
This week the mortgage goes through.
I feel hope now every once in a while. I can see there are things I want to do. Little things. Like plant spring bulbs, put compost around the roses. It isn't all the time but I don't want to get lost in thinking that I am sposed to be over all this presto-chango right now. On another site I read about someone who was just coming alive after four years. It is coming out of the post traumatic stress and realizing that the war is over. It takes a while.
I still have strong urges to talk to exN because I want to make sense of what happened and I want him to tell me the truth. I want him to admit that he moved to another city and that he sleeps with the new woman.  When I get one of these obsessive episodes, it is so hard not to phone.  I imagine you guys gasping as I pick up the phone and telling me don't do it, don't hurt yourself.  So I don't.  I guess that is the beauty of trust and support.  Thanks, dear friends.

Love,
Sea storm

[teartracks]

Seastorm,

Way to go girl!  Way to go!

teartracks

[isittoolate]

(((((((((Seastorm))))))))))))

Congratulations on the Degrees, but your family's envy is pathetic. They ought to be happy for you!

I like the fact that, when in an obsessive state, you think of us, and our "Don't Do It"! Just as though we're your family and in your living room......or wherever the phone is! The bathroom? Crowded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love
Izzy

[Margo]

This has been a big week for me.  A lot of anger came up.  I felt enraged about having to lose so much of myself in order to get attention in my family. I felt angry about the huge envy family members had when I did well at school and university. I am the only one who went to university in my family. Instead of being happy for me they cringed at the thought of me getting a BA.  When I got a Masters Degree they were shrivelled up with scorn. How weird is that?
I felt angry at exN finally.  It was searing red hot and it was like being in Hell for me. I had so much adrenalin running in my system for days. Finally, I cooled down and felt more alive than I have felt in a very long time. The sky was bluer, the leaves greener and I was able to be by myself without feeling panic.
This week the mortgage goes through.
I feel hope now every once in a while. I can see there are things I want to do. Little things. Like plant spring bulbs, put compost around the roses. It isn't all the time but I don't want to get lost in thinking that I am sposed to be over all this presto-chango right now. On another site I read about someone who was just coming alive after four years. It is coming out of the post traumatic stress and realizing that the war is over. It takes a while.
I still have strong urges to talk to exN because I want to make sense of what happened and I want him to tell me the truth. I want him to admit that he moved to another city and that he sleeps with the new woman.  When I get one of these obsessive episodes, it is so hard not to phone.  I imagine you guys gasping as I pick up the phone and telling me don't do it, don't hurt yourself.  So I don't.  I guess that is the beauty of trust and support.  Thanks, dear friends.

Love,
Sea storm

Margo/Tremusan writes:

Well...... the beauty of this whole mess is..... you DON'T HAVE TO FIGURE out why all this happened to you.  Thank God.  I know you feel understanding is what will bring you closure and that's fine.  Just know that your closure will come from yourself and any knowledge you gain about the why's will come from your efforts and study.  Research and post till you're sick to death about the subject.  When you're past it.... you'll realize that it wasn't personal.  Your N lives in a very sad place and he's going to be doing the same things to unfortunate other people for the rest of his life.  It isn't personal and you must understand that.  

Create healthy boundaries for yourself.  Enforce the darned things. There.  That'll take you mind off the N for a spell.  Plant those flowers.  Volunteer to help children with cancer.  Get some perspective and keep doing things that bring more good feelings.  Next thing ya know..... you'll be fully glad you're alive again and wondering where all this sadness went.  ((())))

[Lupita]

Hi Sea, I wish I could give you some words of  wisdom. I do not have them. There is no answer and you are looking fro an answer. You will never know, and he will never understand. Ns cannot understand. They are cognitive inflexible. But, we are here to at least give you support and cheer you up. Do not call. Please. Do not call.  When you want to call him, call somebody else. Like alcoholics do. When they want to drink they call their mentors at AA. Plan something you can do anytime you feel  the desire. Do something that makes it impossible for you to call.
We love you and will pray for you.
God bless you.
Love,
Lupita