Holding on to Hope

[Gaining Strength]

I am making progress.  It is slow but it is sure.  Now that I have some strength I have a disaster to clean up.  I called about my back property taxes and learned that I owe $17,000 + and that money is accrueing daily.  The amazing news is that when I learned that I did not fall into a dispair.  On the same day I received a tuition bill for $6,000.  Life is coming at me fast.  I also owe back income taxes.  It is tough.  Plus for reasons to complicated to explain here then only way I can work is to build my own business.  I have done it before and I can do it again.  The primary thing I have to do is to find a way to get started.  I already hae the concept and have done much research.  Now I have to get the plan made out.

Yesterday I went for prayer with a priest and his wife and a group of "intercessors" who were elsewhere praying.  I prayed for healing for my son (ADHD and functional constipation) and protection from unkind authorities and for friends for us as a family and for income.  The intercessors had no idea what we were praying about and yet one of them wrote down "PEACE Is 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.  (peace here means safe, well, happy, friendly)"  another wrote "These words are for you, restore, reunite, rebuild."

I will keep these close as a source of encouragement.  I find that I need and accept encouragement from where ever I can find it.  Encouragement was sorely lacking from my early life and I absorb it where ever I find it.

I have had in my prayers the longing for friends for my and my son and "family" friends that we can do things with.  Then on Wednesday I was talking with someone about spring break and they said they were going to the beach with 2 or 3 other families and invited us to go along.  We already had plans to go somewhere else - alone (though I had invited another single mother with 2 boys - never got a reply).  How could I refuse an answer to our prayers - we are splittling our time between the two places.

Things are changing.  I am thankful - but these if the underlying apprehension about false hope.  I want to wipe that out.  So what if things don't work out as planned.  Apprehension serves no true protection, it only feeds the dark side.  I am seeking and consuming encouragement where ever I find it.  I am seeking the positive whereever it lies - I have lived the fear and negative my whole life.  My father anticipated everything that could go wrong and that lead to disaster.  I am looking for ways things can go right.  It has not been an easy transition.  My old self still likes to protect from failure but that protection seem to lead to failure.  That is why I am so determined to be positive.  Over the 7 months I have been here, being positive has coincided with real growth.  For the first time in so many years I can honestly say that I am no longer paralyzed.  I attribute that to many things including the support of this place and my absolute dedication to being positive and looking for the way out.

Thanks for listening.  I have so much more to say but no time. Love to you all - GS

[Margo]

I am making progress.  It is slow but it is sure.  Now that I have some strength I have a disaster to clean up.  I called about my back property taxes and learned that I owe $17,000 + and that money is accrueing daily.  The amazing news is that when I learned that I did not fall into a dispair.  On the same day I received a tuition bill for $6,000.  Life is coming at me fast.  I also owe back income taxes.  It is tough.  Plus for reasons to complicated to explain here then only way I can work is to build my own business.  I have done it before and I can do it again.  The primary thing I have to do is to find a way to get started.  I already hae the concept and have done much research.  Now I have to get the plan made out.

Yesterday I went for prayer with a priest and his wife and a group of "intercessors" who were elsewhere praying.  I prayed for healing for my son (ADHD and functional constipation) and protection from unkind authorities and for friends for us as a family and for income.  The intercessors had no idea what we were praying about and yet one of them wrote down "PEACE Is 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.  (peace here means safe, well, happy, friendly)"  another wrote "These words are for you, restore, reunite, rebuild."

I will keep these close as a source of encouragement.  I find that I need and accept encouragement from where ever I can find it.  Encouragement was sorely lacking from my early life and I absorb it where ever I find it.

I have had in my prayers the longing for friends for my and my son and "family" friends that we can do things with.  Then on Wednesday I was talking with someone about spring break and they said they were going to the beach with 2 or 3 other families and invited us to go along.  We already had plans to go somewhere else - alone (though I had invited another single mother with 2 boys - never got a reply).  How could I refuse an answer to our prayers - we are splittling our time between the two places.

Things are changing.  I am thankful - but these if the underlying apprehension about false hope.  I want to wipe that out.  So what if things don't work out as planned.  Apprehension serves no true protection, it only feeds the dark side.  I am seeking and consuming encouragement where ever I find it.  I am seeking the positive whereever it lies - I have lived the fear and negative my whole life.  My father anticipated everything that could go wrong and that lead to disaster.  I am looking for ways things can go right.  It has not been an easy transition.  My old self still likes to protect from failure but that protection seem to lead to failure.  That is why I am so determined to be positive.  Over the 7 months I have been here, being positive has coincided with real growth.  For the first time in so many years I can honestly say that I am no longer paralyzed.  I attribute that to many things including the support of this place and my absolute dedication to being positive and looking for the way out.

Thanks for listening.  I have so much more to say but no time. Love to you all - GS

Margo/Tremusan writes:

Well.... it's an amazing thing, to gain insights and become demystified.  I think one of the hardest things is to remember and incorporate all the these lessons.... before we forget them again.  Maybe that's what leads to life getting better?  We practice and pretend these lessons until they become habit.  Eventually they become second nature.  Pleasures. 

Honestly..... when I revisit books I've read before, Addiction and Grace, for instance..... I see that I've forgotten things I once strived to incorporate.  I also realize I see new things every time I re read a book.  I guess we're in a different place by the time we open it again.  We've grown and it's important to realize we're always growing.  The more painful our lessons..... the more we learn from it.  We are where we're supposed to be.  When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of going..... we go.... and all that, lol. 

It's interesting to me that you're learning from your parent's mistakes and you see how fear leads to self fulfilling prophesies.  At least it can, very often.  I love the fact that you said yes to the invitation to the beach.  I love that you left the option open for the single mother to join you, even though she hasn't replied.   With these wonderful opportunities for fellowship...... I wish you the serenity to really stop and live in the moment during your time alone at the beach.  Really be present at meals with your children.  Enjoy every bite and wonder at the journey each item took to find it's way to your table.... the hands that touched, packed and transported.... prepared and served.  There are no bad meals.  There are no bad trips.  Ask your children what the very best part of their day was.... and the worst.  Really listen to them.  Connect in the moment and make an effort to release the worry for tomorrow and regrets of yesterday.  Whew.... that was long.  Tremusan

[Gaining Strength]

CB - your post brought tears to my eyes.  Your willingness to pick up one foot after another.  Your willingness and ability to pack that farmhouse after all those years and move you and your children under such adverse circumstances gives me courage.  That is was is so remarkable about this place.  No where else and in no "real time" circumstances could we have people struggling under such adverse times be able to communicate in such direct, clear, unencumbered ways as we can here.  Thank you for sharing and thank you for the support you give intentionally and by way of just posting your struggle.

My prayers and thoughts are with you this morning and will be while I am absent from here.  I admire you.  I admire your willingness to focus on just the one thing and thank you for your encouragement.  That is the way through. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[Gaining Strength]

Enjoy every bite and wonder at the journey each item took to find it's way to your table.... the hands that touched, packed and transported.... prepared and served.  There are no bad meals.  There are no bad trips.  Ask your children what the very best part of their day was.... and the worst.  Really listen to them.  Connect in the moment and make an effort to release the worry for tomorrow and regrets of yesterday.
I will keep this in mind.  I can tell by just reading it that this will focus my attention on some resentments that I had not recognized.  I firmily believe that resentments are one of the debilitating issues in my life.  Thank you for shining a light on that area. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[teartracks]

GS, CB, Margo,

Your courageous example of strength, determination, and your yieldedness to doing what is right when it's not easy makes me proud to be woman!  You are lifestyle warriors!

teartracks

[Overcomer]

gs Right now  I am humbled by your post and cb Too.  My problems are minute compared to yours.  Yes I have been in hell in my past but I am on the other side of affairs, divorce and nervous breakdowns.  Now my life is just a series of frustrating circumstances which wont sideline me just inconvenience me.  Forgive me for being such a whiner.

[Margo]

Enjoy every bite and wonder at the journey each item took to find it's way to your table.... the hands that touched, packed and transported.... prepared and served.  There are no bad meals.  There are no bad trips.  Ask your children what the very best part of their day was.... and the worst.  Really listen to them.  Connect in the moment and make an effort to release the worry for tomorrow and regrets of yesterday.
I will keep this in mind.  I can tell by just reading it that this will focus my attention on some resentments that I had not recognized.  I firmily believe that resentments are one of the debilitating issues in my life.  Thank you for shining a light on that area. - your friend - Gaining Strength

Eh.... I'm not on the other side of all my most recently held resentments either, lol.  Let me tell ya.  I work on it and I'm aware enough to realize that releasing them and living well.... is the best thing I can do for myself and my children.  I have to take care of myself, to show my girls how to do it.  I have to.  It'll be in my own time..... it'll be painful and it won't happen in a day but...... I start off my days by focusing on I do want in my life.  So my mind doesn't bounce around like a monkey in a tree.  I call it "keeping my eye on the right balls."  Otherwise.... I'm stuck on a circular treadmill of overwhelming thoughts that keep me from finding serenity.... and I don't like feeling that way.  There are so many overwhelming moving parts I can lose my sanity thinking about.  No matter how well I'm feeling.... I'll get off track if I let myself watch the wrong balls, ya know?  Lona

[Hopalong]

GS,
My dear friend. Goosebumps and tears at the same time.
You have faced the numbers.
You have dug deep.
You have grown so much I visualize you as a sunflower.

I am awed, and grateful for your example.

GS, CB, Tremusan--thank you for your bravery and resolve. You too Kell. It all counts.

Thank you,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

My problems are minute compared to yours.  Yes I have been in hell in my past but I am on the other side of affairs, divorce and nervous breakdowns.  Now my life is just a series of frustrating circumstances which wont sideline me just inconvenience me.  Forgive me for being such a whiner.
 
I don't agree OC.  I see your problems as very significant.  I have enormous sympathy for you.  You have something to offer in your work and you need to find an outlet and a voice for that.  That is one of the great needs in life.  I am so glad that you are past the hellish parts of life but honestly your employment situation is a living hell to me.  Your complaints are not whines they are legitimate complaints about a situation that is very painful and that I pray you do not have to endure much longer. 

I'm preaching and that's not very attractive but it is a personal thing for me to view someone's problem as significant regardless of how it campares to someone else's.  Any part of life under N dominion is living hell and in great need of rescue and deserves sympathy.  That's my view dear OC.  Complain away - but believe that your day is coming and your ship has set sail.
 

[teartracks]

GS say:  Complain away - but believe that your day is coming and your ship has set sail.

What GS says is true OC.  Tender ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

teartracks

[Overcomer]

Oh you guys I am about to cry!  Thank you!  I just am not in the midst of a living hell right now but I am enduring something like a Chinese water torture-a non stop battle for what is right and I believe I am right and she truly thinks she is right so it is a no win situation

[Gaining Strength]

OC

apologies on repeating myself but your tag line says it all, "The only way out is through".  I keep saying that to myself and I say it back to you.  Don't stop and simultaneously have faith. - GS

[Gaining Strength]

I am leaving town for a week and may not have internet access.  It comes at a time when I am going through yet another transition of growth and feel a real need to be connected.

I have been feeling plagued by a couple of instances of being rejected and allowing it to fit into a larger picture of rejection that is excruciatingly painful and I take it in as judgement on me.  In order to overcome that I have decided to shift my focus on two people who have expressed a real caring for me - my Therapist - who sees something in me that I have not seen in myself and now I have another person who sees something in me. 

I received  an e-mail  from this person with a most unusual expression of love.  Regardless of how I decide to respond to him I have decided to focus on the fact that two people see something extra special in me.  Each time I feel the string of rejection I am going to turn my focus to these two people and I expect the numbers will begin to grow.  We all need people to see something special in us.  I am thankful for this place where I see extraordinary things in people here and feel support and encouragement for others.  That encouragement has truly sustained me and given me strength.

Here's is an excerpt:
Perhaps you have not realized what I am like yet. I am no attorney nor do I
have great income with which to assist you. But what I do have is loving
kindness. I am not asking for you to commit to anything, and I do not worry
about the directions things are going. I only ask that if you need help with
anything that you come to me. It may not always be within my ability but what I
have is given freely without expectation of anything in return. Things I do to help you are
because i love you and enjoy your company. Do not be afraid of love, it is not
the kind of romantic jealously that most people call love. It is the deep
abiding love from the heart that does not require anything in return. I do not
seek rewards on this earth, things that we think that we own are only ours for
this lifetime. People that we show love to show love to others and soon the
light from this love shines through past and future to the end of the universe.
I have come to understand that this is what is important in life, not the things
that we own or the image we present. You show Richard this love, but will accept
non for yourself. Open your  heart to me and I will fill you with love. This
will not cost you anything, and will not prevent you from following any path you
choose. I will not demand that you see me exclusively or love only me.

That's quite an offer but I choose only to focus on the fact that two people I admire see something good in me.  That will help move me forward. That helps me begin to believe in myself. That helps give me hope.  Thanks for listening - thanks for being my friends when I so desparately needed friends.  thanks for sharing that terrible experience of being in relationship (if you can call it that ) with Ns and understanding the wretched consequences of that terrible fate.  My heart is a little gooshy today - as though I am leaving forever - which is not the case but I must be leaving something behind and I hope it is dispair.  - your friend - Gaining Strength

[Overcomer]

gs It is not just those two who care about you.  I do too!  Of course I try to minimize my pain but you and others lift me up and help me to see straight despite my negative self fulfilling prophecies!  Thanks to you and Godspeed.

[Margo]

I am leaving town for a week and may not have internet access.  It comes at a time when I am going through yet another transition of growth and feel a real need to be connected.

I have been feeling plagued by a couple of instances of being rejected and allowing it to fit into a larger picture of rejection that is excruciatingly painful and I take it in as judgement on me.  In order to overcome that I have decided to shift my focus on two people who have expressed a real caring for me - my Therapist - who sees something in me that I have not seen in myself and now I have another person who sees something in me. 

I received  an e-mail  from this person with a most unusual expression of love.  Regardless of how I decide to respond to him I have decided to focus on the fact that two people see something extra special in me.  Each time I feel the string of rejection I am going to turn my focus to these two people and I expect the numbers will begin to grow.  We all need people to see something special in us.  I am thankful for this place where I see extraordinary things in people here and feel support and encouragement for others.  That encouragement has truly sustained me and given me strength.

Here's is an excerpt:
Perhaps you have not realized what I am like yet. I am no attorney nor do I
have great income with which to assist you. But what I do have is loving
kindness. I am not asking for you to commit to anything, and I do not worry
about the directions things are going. I only ask that if you need help with
anything that you come to me. It may not always be within my ability but what I
have is given freely without expectation of anything in return. Things I do to help you are
because i love you and enjoy your company. Do not be afraid of love, it is not
the kind of romantic jealously that most people call love. It is the deep
abiding love from the heart that does not require anything in return. I do not
seek rewards on this earth, things that we think that we own are only ours for
this lifetime. People that we show love to show love to others and soon the
light from this love shines through past and future to the end of the universe.
I have come to understand that this is what is important in life, not the things
that we own or the image we present. You show Richard this love, but will accept
non for yourself. Open your  heart to me and I will fill you with love. This
will not cost you anything, and will not prevent you from following any path you
choose. I will not demand that you see me exclusively or love only me.

That's quite an offer but I choose only to focus on the fact that two people I admire see something good in me.  That will help move me forward. That helps me begin to believe in myself. That helps give me hope.  Thanks for listening - thanks for being my friends when I so desparately needed friends.  thanks for sharing that terrible experience of being in relationship (if you can call it that ) with Ns and understanding the wretched consequences of that terrible fate.  My heart is a little gooshy today - as though I am leaving forever - which is not the case but I must be leaving something behind and I hope it is dispair.  - your friend - Gaining Strength

Margo/Tremusan writes:  You have strength and support from this board too.  Honesty like this is a very rare find.... along with the experiences and lessons of those who've gone before you.  What a gift!  ::Pulling on mommy voice::  Just who is this young man writing that e mail to you?  It's my experience when someone says they want absolutely nothing in return for themselves...... the opposite is certainly true.  Be careful and don't forget to count everyone in who offers you support.  Have a safe journey and post when you can.