a few things have happened lately which made me feel like reassessing my attitude to having bipolar, the worst was the guy I liek when we went for dinner saying he didn't want us to become a romance and someone calling him drunk making demands at midnight....I just laughed it off at the time and said you should be so lucky or something, but it does hurt even though I can see I don't need to be hanging around with him any more.
it's not just insensistive jerks though it's everywhere, the media, people who have known me for years.
Ironically the only time in my life I was so sick I would call people up and rant at them most people didn't even notice! They would say to me after, oh I thought it was strange you were so wound up etc...
Now my good friend here has been acting strange for weeks.
He decided he wanted all his friends to meet and form a social club, which is nice, but sometimes a friendship is just that for me, somewhere to go and be myself with someone I care about. I cancelled on him last week because I thought we were going out just the two of us and he invited 6 others, 5 of whom I never met before- without telling me.
Anyway last night we went out ( in a group ) and on the way out I asked to talk to him and said I miss never doing anything just the two of us, he looked at me like a rabbit in the headlights and said, so you want me to take you off the email list? I said no, i like your friends what I mean is I want us to go out just us two sometimes. He's backing away at this point, literally walkign backwards away from me! This is a guy we've told all our secrets, had a lovely friendship but not intense- sometimes I haven't seen him for weeks. I tried to explain but it just made it worse and he looked annoyed and said ok, I'll try and left!
I'd say he's just being a jerk too, but I've known him for a year and he's always been really nice before.
I guess he must have some stuff going on I don't know about?
He did hold my hand a few weeks ago when we hadn't seen each other for a while, but I didn't have any romantic feelings or think he did. He's always been quite affectionate before.
I hate asking for anything for myself- every time I do this happens, it's like people only want to see the social me. And I am never telling another soul in real life personal life about my bipolar, I swear. The prejudice and insensitive responses are too much.
It's all very isolating though, it really is.
Ex is barely speakign too.
Church is difficult because of the guy there.
I'm starting to cancel the work places which have been difficult and I can't change.
Maybe I should become a recluse and write poetry.
I have thought about staying home- last chance I can afford to probably, once I get a mortgage I'll be a wage slave again.
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On a positive note i did schedule an appointment with a doctor local bipolar specialist. $300 though...but my general practitioner is right, it is a big gap in my care plan to have no psych doc ( once I got over him trying to tell me what to do! I'm not really stubborn, just a bit )
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Ex just called and asked a favour, called me 'darling' different than earlier then.
Hey ho, and I'm the one supposed to have mood swings...
Thanks for listening ( anyone who did! )
~W
