Hi Birdy,
I send you so much compassion.
My D couldn't voice her hurt and anger to her father until she was a teenager. I felt my heart being pulled out when I heard her finally say over the phone, you never came to see me for me, only when it worked into your playtime...why did you never come just to see me?
He responded with seething criticism and a cruel letter. It was horrible to witness but what I clung to was that she saw reality then. He was willing to hurt her badly, his first child, his only daughter.
She was not allowed to resist ... and he would not apologize. She continued to love him and he her in his limited way, but I could see her child-self crumble then.
I don't know how much you can ask of a 12 y/o...to stand up against an N father--think how we adult women and even bright therapists are often overcome. I think maybe you could tell her, all you have to do is tell him that you really do not want to come and give one reason, and then hand the phone to me...
If she does it, it will be good for her, but also terribly painful. Do you suppose you could ask a seasoned child's counselor what they think?
I don't know if that's the right advice. I hope others here can help.
I'm so sorry you and she are going through this.
Hops