voiceless from a 9 year old perspective

[dandylife]

My son came home early from playing outside today with the neighborhood boys. He's had some scuffles before and now it seems they are getting needlessly rough with him. One boy took his arms and pinned them behind his back during a game of tackle football. He knew that it wasn't part of the game and it wasn't right. He was upset. He walked home without saying anything. He tried when he got home to be above it, just casually asking for some ice cream. Not knowing anything yet about what happened, I said he'd have to wait until I was off the phone. When I got done, I asked still want the ice cream? He said no I'll be up in my room. This set off warning bells - not normal behavior.

So after a few minutes I went up and asked him if anything unusual happened. And he told me. He immediately starting crying and the first words out of his mouth were "I don't want to talk. I don't want to talk to anyone, not any of those boys, not anyone, I'm just so depressed." I slowly got him to open up about it and helped him with some things he can do if it happens again. I gently told him not to let anyone take his voice away. The voice is a powerful first weapon/defense and if you let the bully have it, you will stay depressed. He understood and we practiced saying out loud Back OFF! That is not COOL! Stop it! Don't ever do that again! Scares me to think that he is feeling this at 9.
Dandylife

[spyralle]

What a great mother you are Dandylife and it sounds like he resonded to you fantastically...  I always taught my daughter to just walk away and I know not that that was the wrong thing to do because it was not encouraging her to use her voice to say that @that is not right you do not get to do that to me'

He is clearly able to trust you and open up to you and for many of us here having gone through life unable to do that with parents that is something that could only be a fantasy...

((((((((((((Dandylife)))))))))))))))))))))  feel proud that you are bringing your son up tobe open and honest and respect his rights....

Spyralle xxx

[debkor]

Dandy,

Ah Geeze, kids can be so damn mean.  I hate when they pick on one and the one who gets picked on is under peer pressure. They don't want to cry. They don't want to tell. They don't want to be known at the tattle tale, the cry baby so they try to keep it inside.  They really don't know what to do.   Your son did the right thing and good for you for noticing. You gave him good advice.
I hear ya dandy I have a 12 yr old.

Love Deb

[dandylife]

Thanks Deb and Spyralle, you're right, Deb, they don't know what to do. So I guess this is one of those "teaching moments". Thanks for your words of support, they felt good.

Anybody have stories about successfully dealing with bullies?

Thanks,
Dandylife

[Hopalong]

Dandy,
I'd enroll your son in a RESPECTABLE karate class.
Or any legitimate martial arts studio.

It's a good outlet for boys and builds a confidence in the way they move and carry themselves that can keep bullies at a distance.

Check out the studio and teachers' reputation.

You won't regret it, I believe.

love to you and your son,
hops

[gratitude28]

dandy,
I never had a voice as a child. So I do some "demos" with my kids once in a while to check that they are ready to use their voices. I ask them what they would say if someone touched them in a way they didn't want. I ask them what to say if someone offers them a ride. We also have some rude kids like your neighbors and we talk about how it's better NOT to have a friend than one like that. Sadly enough, none of these lessons was ever brought up for me and I wanted anyone and everyone to like me, no matter how horrible the person was.
Kudos, dandy! Thanks for a meaningful topic.
Love, Beth

[dandylife]

Besee, my wish for you is that you are finding the resources at this point in life that your parents failed to provide for you! ((((Besee))))

Hops - he actually does go to a beginner karate class and is learning about defensive action and I think it's really good. I listen in myself and learn! I will re-enroll him as another session is starting in April. I would advise everyone, in fact, to take one of those self-defense classes. I took one a couple years ago and just that action that they teach you to use your voice and yell in the strongest way possible "Back off!" is great. Have you ever tried it? There were so many women in the class who at first sounded weak as  noodle, but at the end they were agressive and sure.

Bean, thanks, I think you are right, he is a fine young man and I hope to teach him all the things that will make him a respectful and giving person.

Beth, that brings up a good point, too, about that other kind of bad touching. My parents stressed 'be nice no matter what' and so I never learned that it was okay to be mean or rude or simply walk away from someone doing something bad to me. And boy did that affect me.  In this world, we need to teach our kids about the 'dark side' of people and how to deal with that. Thanks for noting that!

Love,
Dandylife