Confrontation vs Conflict. Does Anything Good Really Come From Either?

[teartracks]

Hi All,

Confrontation and conflict seem to be a fact of life. How do we know we've accomplished something positive by participating in confrontation or conflict?  And what is the difference in the two?

teartracks

[moonlight52]

Hi tt

I have learned so much from this board.I have learned from both .
There was only one time I was brave enough for a confrontation and I got all the right words.But the energy did not change.
Only years later did I see what the truth was about my situation.

But we can learn from both .But how much more wonderful to learn from joy.
This peace can only be found from within .

I struggle each day to reach and share this with my love ones.
somedays I do better than others.

Dropping baggage from the past has helped me .
I wish I knew more All I know for sure kindness is a good thing.

If resolution comes from conflict and a closer understanding this is growth and can be healing.
If a loving heart grows from conflict this is good.

so much love to you
m

p.s. The said baggage were my own misconceptions and old unhealthy patterns...

[Leah]

There is no such thing as a relationship without conflict.   

Conflict is a part of life. It exists as a reality of any relationship, and is not necessarily bad. In fact a relationship with no apparent conflict may be unhealthier than one with frequent conflict. Conflicts are critical events that can weaken or strengthen a relationship.

Conflicts can be productive, creating deeper understanding, closeness and respect, or they can be destructive, causing resentment, hostility and divorce.

How the conflicts get resolved, not how many occur, is the critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold.

Conflicts run all the way from minor unimportant differences to critical fights.

There are conflicts of needs, wants, preferences, interests, opinions, beliefs and values.


Styles of Conflict Resolution:

Avoiding or denying the existence of a conflict.
Many people prefer to give in rather than struggle through the conflict. 
Some people get mad and blame the other person.
Others are competitive and have to win. They use their power and influence to control and get their way.
Some appear to compromise but are subtly manipulative in trying to win more ground.
A few people can control their anger, competitive, I-give-up feelings and self- serving tendencies, and genuinely seek a fair, optimal solution for both parties. This is a creative integrative approach. 


Three Types of Healthy Solutions:

Win-win. Most conflicts are in areas that have more than two alternatives. If you do not like the choice your partner wants, and your partner does not like your choice, with a little more effort you might be able to find another alternative that you both like and want. 

No lose. When you cannot find an alternative that you both want, look for an option that is acceptable to both of you, or negotiate an agreeable compromise. Neither gets everything he/she wanted, but each gets enough to be satisfied.

Win-lose equally. When the conflict is over an issue that has only two choices, one person will get what he/she wants and the other will not. There will be a winner and a loser. If you are fair with each other and generally half the time each gets your own way; it will be easier for each of you when you don’t. The loser will trust that next time or the time after that he/she will be the winner.


My thoughts and understanding ..... when there is a matter of conflict, within any form of relationship, professional or personal, confrontation is to bring the matter of conflict out in the open, for discussion.

It is by healthy confrontation that one can hope for a healthy resolution to an issue of conflict.

Of course, denial or avoidance, cannot cope with confrontation.

Leah xx


Edit:  Listening, Evaluating and Negotiating skills, are exercised and strengthened, during healthy confrontation and resolution.

[Leah]

The Gift of Conflict

"No man is an island" said John Donne in 1624, and while he may be guilty of sexism, he appears ahead of his time in other ways as he expresses a basic ecological and spiritual principle, going on to say, "...every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in all of mankind."

The great naturalist John Muir expressed a similar sentiment in this 1906 writing, "When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe." Indeed there is a seamless web to which we are all inextricably intertwined; a cosmic, universal web in which the pure essence of life flows through all creation. The electronic connections of the World Wide Web are just beginning to externalize in material form what has always existed in energetic form.

And yet, if we are all connected in this manner, this means that whether we like it or not, we are inevitably in relationship with all things and all peoples. What is the nature of this relationship? As discussed in Buddhist psychology, all relationships in the mind and in the world ultimately take on one of three forms: we're either neutral; we like; or we dislike the other that we’re in relationship with.

It seems self-evident that we would want to collect as many in the "like" column as possible: we naturally move towards those people, experiences and places which resonate harmoniously within us. But this betrays an important truth: some of our best teachers and most profound lessons come from those experiences and people we dislike, from those who "push our buttons", from those we cannot stand to be around. And why is that? It’s because these experiences and people force us to see life from a different perspective, to get out of our self-created, self-limiting cocoons and filters of reality and consider alternative possibilities. They force us to grow, to learn, and to expand our beliefs about ourselves and the nature of life. Conflict energizes any system and when approached with a positive, constructive attitude, leads to creative solutions and ideas. For conflict prods and encourages us to stretch further, dig deeper and learn to be better people. It’s easy to be compassionate and loving with those that treat us well, but the real growth comes when we can treat everyone we interact with in a loving manner, and in so doing honor that universal essence which flows through us all.

Well, you might say, that sounds good in theory, but how do I deal with my resistance to such people and experiences? Here are some helpful tips:

-seek out those that have a different belief system or world view than you do. Really try to understand how and why they think and believe the way they do. None other than Sigmund Freud once claimed that it was "intellectual suicide" to only talk to people who believe what you do (though he was also famous for surrounding himself with "true believers" and not speaking with others who dared to opposed his ideas!)

-if someone you meet elicits a very strong negative feeling in you, examine that feeling in detail. What is it about their ideas or personality that grates you so much? Do you, as Shakespeare said, "...doth protest too much?" That is, is there something in YOU that is similar to this person that makes you want to run the other way? In his wonderful book "A Path With Heart", Jack Kornfield relates the tale of his returning to New York City after living in an ashram for years and leading the life of a renunciate. He felt completely at peace and that he had mastered the art of feeling serene in any situation. However, while waiting for a family member in the waiting room of a salon, several women looked critically at him and the way he was dressed, and suddenly he was flooded with enormous anger welling up inside of him. He realized that his spiritual training had not touched an entire other dimension of life, the interpersonal, and this experience led to his entering psychotherapy to understand why he reacted so strongly.

-learn to see each person you meet as your teacher. What does the person next to you right now have to teach? Your spouse? Your boss? Your neighbor?

Everyone truly does have something to teach you about life if you are open to it. Remember Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha, who, upon meeting up with the beautiful Kamala, remarked, "Such women will always have much to teach." Yes, and so will people you perceive of as materialistic, selfish and greedy business owners; unpleasant and unhelpful service workers; and loud and arrogant personalities, to name just a few.

Look into your past and ask this question: who does this person remind me of? Have I been holding onto a grudge, a hurt or a resentment for many years that this person has come into my life now to remind me of? If so, explore ways of resolving your own issue that’s getting projected onto this person. This person may be a signpost of something in you that may need attention.

So don’t be afraid of conflict. Rather than avoid it, embrace and invite conflict into your life!

Conflict is an opportunity to learn, to grow, to stretch and become a healthier, more creative and evolved person. Let each conflict help to transform you into the healthiest, most loving person you can become.   



http://www.relationship-institute.com/freearticles_detail.cfm?article_ID=522


Oddly enough, I read the above article a few weeks ago, was unsure about posting it here on the board.

Personally, most thought provoking and indeed, insightful.

The Bible contains historical, personal accounts, of conflict and resolution.

Love to you all.

Leah xx



Edit:   No idea who quoted this, but it makes sense to me ....   " Conflict is inevitable ~ Resentment is optional ~ Resolution is up to you "

[mudpuppy]

How do we know we've accomplished something positive by participating in confrontation or conflict?

Well, let's say as a metaphor, an aggressive, malicious creature jumps on our back and intends to stay there and torment us. If we repeatedly and forcefully back ourselves into a brick wall and as a result the creature falls off and slinks away we know we have accomplished something very positive because our burden is gone.
And we have accomplished something positive for the creature itself, as it now knows there can be a cost to attaching itself to others, a lesson many people are unwilling to teach. At the very least it will have learned to choose its intended victims more judiciously in the future.

mud

[dandylife]

I think that conflict and confrontation are a means to an end. And we always hope that the end will turn out good! If we don't confront and have a conflict (I guess I look at them as almost the same - it depends on how the other person reacts "oh, didn't know you felt that way" is a positive - whereas "what the *&ck are you talking about?" is a negative that leads to conflict) then we have NO chance of using our voice, stating our boundaries, telling what our needs and desires are.

So, I guess:

confrontation = + positive with a positive potential for a good result

conlict = - negative result of a confrontation

The other day a good friend of mine showed me a real estate listing online for a house in the 3.6 million dollar range. Neither he nor I are in the market for a house like that, so it became a really fun, short entertainment looking at this house with a "gentleman's room" (billiards and office), observatory, grand foyer, indoor pool and whatnot.

Well, I went on a walk the next day with N and I told him about the house, just describing it and saying wow it was cool! Can't believe there's a house like that within a couple miles of us, etc. He was really quiet and said NOTHING. So I took that as a cue that he found that topic boring or had no interest. I said " so what are YOU thinking about?" In an attempt to change the subject.

Wow.....................he went into one of those weird convoluted N discussions. You know the ones.....expressing his annoyance and irritation that "people" ( he wouldn't deign to accuse ME of being one of those people directly) will WASTE their time doing stuff that doesn't motivate them to achieve. HOW DARE THEY? ETC, etc.

So we have this weird conversation. We get home and I'm trying to process it all. He goes and lays on the couch and turns on the MISS USA pageant which he has taped. 

I explode inside, going, okay....what's the difference between looking at beautiful homes with no chance of owning one and looking at beautiful 20 year old beauty queens with no chance of having one?????????

I have a couple choices:

1. Confront

2. Let it go and have no resolution, understanding or peace.

I chose to confront!

And it was fun, actually!

Dandylife

[gratitude28]

My first instinct when reading this was to say that Confrontation is used to resolve Conflict.

When itr comes to defining them, though, I am reading through the answers here and wondering if there aren't a zillion different definitions for each word.

How about this instead?

What emotional response does each word provoke in you???

[Leah]

Confrontation is used to resolve Conflict.

Which in itself, surely, is a postive?


To confront an issue, is to have the courage to face it, deal with it, with integrity and honesty.


Fear or anxiety of confronting, dealing with, facing a problem or an issue, brings about denial or avoidance, sadly.


Great topic Teartracks.


Leah xx

[gratitude28]

My former definitions???


Confrontation = Not in a million years

Conflict = RUN

 

[Hopalong]

Verrrrrrrrrry helpful and wonderfully timed post.
Great article, Leah. Thank you.
And what you said, Bean, about reserving confrontation for people you truly love...also helped me.
(Reminds me about better ways of thinking about my boss.)

The article saying look for what in yourself is triggered by the other peron...
yup.

Uggh, but helpful.

thanks all,
Hops

[teartracks]

Hey Y'all,

Thanks for all the posts.  There's lots to think about, absorb and apply to my life. 

I love the way the board is perking along without conflict now. 

teartracks

[WRITE]

I think there are many situations where people want or are only capable at that time of different things...that no amount of confrontation will resolve.

I try not to confront people very often, and never in anger any more. I can be a formidable person when I act angry and I don't think it has ever acheived anything for me personally long-term.

For me being kind is more effective, and letting go the outcome I desire and letting the other person do what they need to do whilst makign them aware if necessary that my thoughts on the matter may be different!

I've been meaning to read more about non-dualism but I haven't had time. We are too dependent on models of right/ wrong, good/evil. People and behaviour is more complicated than that.

[teartracks]

WRITE,

What you say makes a lot of sense. 

Neither have I accomplished much being angry except  when I went into recovery from childhood abuse.  It was necessary to purge myself of that built up anger.   As conflicted as I felt with my Nabuser, the purging was for me.  I mean, what is there to gain from trying to get a narcissist to understand that they've done great harm to you?   I'm glad that part is behind me.    Purging myself of that anger left  me with a laundry list of things/acts that I will never willingly allow to be done to or against me.  I have a voice and I have some power now.  Didn't have that as a baby.   What I consider to be my normal or healthy anger (not the anger I experienced on coming out of denial and going into recovery) has been expressed on behalf of others who were being mistreated.

Anyway, I think I've rambled and gotten off the subject of conflict, but I feel better!

teartracks

[Stormchild]

I think there are many situations where people want or are only capable at that time of different things...that no amount of confrontation will resolve.

I try not to confront people very often, and never in anger any more. I can be a formidable person when I act angry and I don't think it has ever acheived anything for me personally long-term.

For me being kind is more effective, and letting go the outcome I desire and letting the other person do what they need to do whilst makign them aware if necessary that my thoughts on the matter may be different!

I've been meaning to read more about non-dualism but I haven't had time. We are too dependent on models of right/ wrong, good/evil. People and behaviour is more complicated than that.

Welllll......

a funny thing happened to me at work recently.

I've been working for this particular organization far longer than I've ever worked anywhere else, and I've been on this particular job within the organization longer than I've ever stayed with any previous employer.

I'm talking close to a decade, OK?

I have about as solid gold a track record as anyone ever has had. You give me something to do and it gets done right, and it gets done on time, and there aren't any loose ends flapping around, either.

So: about two weeks ago, I get involved in something that has to be assessed by various members of my task team. I send them the information, and they send me the assessment. One of them asks me to obtain an electronic copy of the information for him.

There's just a couple little hitches. First, I only have it on paper. Second, I have to ask an outside organization for the e-copy. Third, we're prohibited from doing that, and complaints do get made, vociferously, when we do it. Fourth, the guy could just as easily have Xeroxed it for himself, it's only about ten pages.

So I email the guy that I'll see what I can do, but he needs to know it's 'against official policy' for me to ask. Nudge nudge, wink wink. I figure he's bright enough to understand this means I'll make a tactful attempt to bend the rules but I can't promise nuthin'.

Not five minutes later, this fellow shows up at my office and tells me in no uncertain terms that he called the external contact himself, because he's tired of my  ... bullshit.

Verbatim quote, my dears.

After I get my jaw back up off the floor, I decide that I have bloody well had enough abuse to last me a lifetime, so I start working on an email to this guy's boss... and his boss.. and my bosses.

I'm about a third of the way in when the poor guy decides he wants to come back for more, but this time, it didn't quite work out to his expectations. Basically, I flayed him alive.

I raised my voice, and it remained raised for a full five minutes. I used language that I was certain the gentleman would understand; I explained in no uncertain terms that I work nights, weekends, and holidays, that I handle a full one third of the work for the entire department although I am one sixth of the nominal manpower, that I have had multiple complaints lodged against me for violating organizational policies in order to get information for ungrateful jerks like himself in the format in which they request it, and that I am sick and tired of receiving nothing in exchange but verbal and emotional abuse.

I waxed eloquent about our relative salaries, the ease of promotion for him and nonexistence of any parallel path for me; I spoke at length and candidly about the extent to which I have gone to get him and his peers the things they need to do their job, and the delight I take in having my teeth kicked down my f---ing throat by ungrateful b----rds like himself by way of thanks.

When I had finished speaking my piece, I threw him out of my office, the door of which I had insisted should remain open so that no passerby would have ANY doubt as to what was occurring, or why.

Immediately following which, I went to his boss, and HIS boss, and HIS boss, and told on myself, with the full backstory included.

And would you believe, it was universally agreed that the gentleman was no gentleman, and that I had shown great restraint and decorum in speaking as I did.

Now. To complete the picture.

I have been working since July 1983. I've been with this organization since July 1995, and in my present job since Easter 1998. This episode related above is the first time in my entire quarter century working life that I have EVER raised my voice to ANYONE, no matter how egregious their behavior, no matter how abusive their language, no matter how unprofessional their actions.

I also made this quite clear to everyone with whom I spoke, and since most of them have seen me on this job for the better part of the decade plus that I have been here, they know it perfectly well.

A funny thing has happened.

People no longer seem quite as inclined to try to take advantage of me.

People who previously seemed to regard me as some kind of cross between a patsy and a doormat seem to have stopped doing that.

People have relaxed around me. I've been invited to lunch, and people have asked to join me when they see me in the lunchroom. Not to gossip about this, either. Simply to eat with me.

Oh - and - coincidentally - the gentleman who started it all has admitted to everyone involved that indeed he did, and that every word I spoke to him was more than deserved.

He'd done this to me once before, you see, a few years ago. But then, I chose the high road, and turned the other cheek. I guess he felt that it was perfectly safe to go on doing it.

I guess he knows now that this is no longer true, and I suspect that a few other people have begun to realize that self-restraint is not, after all, the same thing as weakness.

Will I ultimately be penalized for this? Only time will tell. But for now, paradoxically enough, it appears that what I did was somehow something that many people felt was long overdue.

[Stormchild]

I should add that I have immediately reverted to my usual quiet and mannerly self, on the job, and took pains to reassure everyone that at my present rate, I'd likely be having another wing-ding at about age 75.