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Do you hate your Nparent?

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Discounted Girl:
I don't know if hate is the right word for what I feel for the NQueenmother. I do feel a little sorry for her in that I know she missed out on the joys of a loving parent/child relationship. But, trying to express affection and love for her is a bit like petting a wild animal who is only interested in how you will taste as her next meal. I do not wish any harm or misfortune to her -- all I ever wanted from her was her love. All I ever wanted her to do for me was to stop the abuse. I wanted some respect and regard. I wanted dignity and truth. She would not do any of those things. I do in fact deeply resent what she stole from me and her failure to guide me into a productive life. Others saw through her more quickly than I did -- it took me till middle-age to figure out what was going on. Even though my logic told me I had done nothing wrong, my child's voice whispered to me that I must not be very good or worthwhile to be treated by her with such little regard or value. I was content to "tolerate" her and "keep my distance" without having a big falling out, mostly for the sake of my children and husband, but she didn't want it that way. I tried to keep her wickedness a secret, but she blew the lid. She demands volatility and quite frankly family fighting makes me feel dirty, much like living in a tabloid or on the Jerry Springer show. Such dysfunction may be amusing for others to watch, but quite sorrowful to live.

With each passing year what grew in me was not hatred I don't think, but less respect and concern for her happiness and less caring what she thought of me. From time to time I did have the urge to shock her by doing something really wild just to tick her off, but I hardly ever acted upon that urge. I realize now that what I was doing was shutting her out to protect myself because I did not know I was an ACON.

Philski60:
Hi Anastasia,

Yes and No...

Yes, I hated my father and mother with a passion when I discovered that I was used as a waist receptical for their anger, shame, and guilt.  For their unwillingness to be accountable for their stuff.  For being emotionally molested by my codependent mother and for being used by my alcoholic, narcissistic father as a scape goat for his toxic vennom.  

No for the present, in that I've confronted both of them for what was theirs through letters that gave back what wasn't mine to begin with.  I allowed myself to feel anger and rage at the injustic of what went on with this defenseless child.  It still isn't my responsibility for them to actually own their stuff.  It was only my responsibility to give it back to them to do with it whatever they chose.  They still didn't acknowledge much of what I said in the letters to them both.  

I still have a decent relationship with them both today because I allowed myself permission to be angry as hell with their neglect as a child growing up needing healthy guidance.  Fact of the matter was they too were wounded souls that did the best they could with what they had.  The compassion I feel for them today has allowed a level of love to be mutually expressed and a measure of forgiveness to happen.  

More importantly, I feel good about myself for sharing my truth irriguardless of how they took it.  I still have healthy boundaries with both, especially my father due to his N traites.  I may not have been responsible for what happened to me as a child growing up in such a home, however, I am responsible for my recovery today.  Taking that on has given me much of my lost power as a spiritual being having a human experience.  

 :D

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