thought I was on the downhill coast

[towrite]

It's been a long time, but things have actually gotten worse. Thanks to all who replied to my Feb. post. You'd think there'd be a way to sue an attorney who did wrong - not just incompetence, but lies, manipulations, and maneuvers without my knowledge or permission. After finding an attorney who would take my case and pouring thousands of dollars into it, I have learned a few things: one, life sucks - attorneys don't like to sue each other and unless it's a slam dunk case, they won't touch it. Turns out my new attorney, who was the 6th one I consulted with, says there isn't enough PROOF (!) against the bad attorney to win (after all my money, and he did do some investigation). He will not take it on a contingency - none of the other ones would either. The technical reasons behind the lack of proof may be just his opnion or they may be fact in law, but I don't have any money left. This bad attorney owes me over half a million dollars, to say nothing of my ruined career. But I'm stuck with it.

14 months ago I did file a grievance against him with the state Bar - it is still ongoing.

I feel like a shell underwater, getting battered by tides and currents with no ability to "catch" on to anything and drowning. I'm going to lose my house for the second time - and I'm scared shitless. I'm trying to sell real estate but can't break into it after a year of trying. It just seems like after the suicide of my brother in '97 my life has gone to hell steadily. Or was it before that? My mind is muddy. My family isn't close, esp. since my mother is an N and only wants to hear good news. She and another self-absorbed brother are all I have.

It's ironic to me - I have been helping a friend for several years - paying her rent, giving her money, buying groceries - b/c she was in need. Now, thanks to my efforts, she has a job, is buying a house, and has a steady income. She has more than I do.

I just don't know how much longer I can keep this up. To tell the truth, I am holding suicide in my back pocket if things don't get better. Jeez, don't everyone get your britches in a wad - I just need to say how discouraged and hopeless I feel. But I do need something good to happen. Not something just to give me hope, but something substantial that will make a difference.

[Hopalong]

Dear Towrite,
I am so glad you posted, and so sorry for the pit you're in.
Apart from asking you to KEEP POSTING, and DON'T give up...

I just have a question.

Is there a way you can start to visualize simplifying and downsizing
your life so that recovering from these losses (financial and emotional)
could turn into self-nurturing, self-discovery, instead of loss?

IOW, I don't know anything detailed about your situtation, but if there is the option of taking
earnings from your home and choosing a smaller place...and just shedding a lot of cultural and familiar expectations about lifestyle...

I know my ex said some wise things. One was:
"I don't like large houses. I'd much rather have a small place and make it into a jewel."

Whatever your circumstances, remember we'll care here.
I know the voices and friendship here can be lifesavers and crisis-soothers...

Please keep talking.
You'll recover, I have faith you can and will.

with love,
Hops

[debkor]

Towrite,

When my ex was gone I struggled to hang on to everything I had. It was killing me. I was stressed out to my eyeballs.
I was scared shit too. I enjoyed nothing I had.  I just hung on. Every which way I turned was the wrong way. I went after my husband employment for his pension just to be turned down. I had no child support. Everything was too much for me. I finally said F**k this and let it all go.  I went home and lived with my parents for awhile got my shit together and moved out of state to live closer to my sister.
I rented a small 3bdrm house in a state where employment paid almost 1/2 less then the state I had lived in.
I had two small kids and me. NO child support, just me. After me paying weekly bills I had 15$ left,that's it.

As crazy as this sounds it was the most memorable time in my life. It was the most memorable peace in my life.
I never needed all those things I had before. Sure they were nice but I didn't know anything other. I always had.
They were nothing more then material things (with exception of a home).  I down sized my home and rented.
I had so much time with my kids. We had quality time. Real quality time.  We only had basic things. I got to enjoy things I had forgotten about. Like noticing the birds on the branches. Everything looked greener (grass).  My smells were more in tuned (rain,snow, new cut grass). It seems more sunny and it felt warmer, comfortable warm.
It was an awakening to me. I was feeling, really feeling things again and enjoyment. My way of life became much different and although I did not have much money it was my richest time in life. I was really alive!
I asked my grown kids last week what was there most memorable time when they were kids.  They said when we lived like we did.
Now we have back everything, it's not the same though.  I have a 12yr old and I sometimes feel sorry that he did not get to experience what me, his brother and sister did.  It was so much better simple life I noticed and appreciated life much more. I do miss the old days.

Don't be afraid of losing things. Sometimes you lose to find out you gained.  Something that you would of never thought of or recognized till it was placed right in your lap.

I am sorry for your pain and stress. I have been there and it was overwhelming. If you can't take care of things no matter how much you try then maybe it is meant to let it go!!
Not let you go. Let the material things go so you can start living (enjoying) even if it means that it will be a lifetime movie, popcorn and a coke sitting home and just really enjoying it or the colors in that bird on the branch you never really noticed before.

I was holding my self hostage to what I thought you have to have to be able to live. I was wrong. I had forgotten what really made me happy.   Very little money(time) was a real teaching experience for me and a lesson learned that I would not trade for anything in the world.   
Hang in there towrite try to relax. 

Love
Deb

[Leah]

((((((( towrite ))))))) and ((((((( CB )))))))

You are in my thoughts.

Leah xx

[Gaining Strength]

towrite - your post touched me deeply.  I have wragnled with the legal system for 6 long years.  Someone hired an attoryney to help settle the simple, small estate.  He is an attorney who has a good reputation, whose father was a beloved head of the local bar and an attorney who has a thriving adoption practise.  He has made SO Many mistakes and has turned my life into hell.  But his mistakes are just mistakes - not dishonest as yours was. I tried repeatedly to get other attorneys to help.  My grandfather was a named partner in the largest firm in our state.  He (thought long deaceased) has many, many friends in the legal world.  Though attorney after attorney said that my attorney could not do the things he was doing no one would help me resolve it.  Now I am floating in a limbo.  It doesn't help that my attorney is buddies with the probate judge.  My loss is not what yours is but my devastation is close.

I am barely hanging on.  I have come out of an emotional nightmare to a place of "functioning" for the first time in years and I have so much mess to dig out of.  I am starting to build a small business to create an income, I have a house falling apart around me that is not even sellable and blah, blah, blah.  I need something to happen - something substantial but I have come to believe that having hope is simply the first step to getting that "something substantial".  I found in the dark of winter as things in my emotional state began to give way that I needed to write down the small things that were changing in order to keep me encouraged.  I believe that by staying encouraged that I can actually MAKE things begin to improve.  I keep a small list of significant goals - some seemly impossible- and I am astonished that some of these goals are actually coming into fruition.

I encourage you to write out these goals - including your significant ones - don't do anything about them - just write them out.  Then start to look for positive things - no matter how small - and if you can write them down.  This could be especially helpful in realestate.  There is no harder work.  It often takes over a year to "break in" but sometimes suddenly something will break and the water will begin to flow.  These little things can especially be helpful in that business because it can be something as simple as a relationship you have made in your field that allows someone to call you and ask you to show a propery to someone because they are tied up and that showing is the deal maker.  But that relationship building is done in the small things.  When I am desparate the small things never seem enough but that is where the action builds - the make or break is in the accumulation of the small things.

your friend and fellow struggler - Gaining Strength

I ran into an acquantance yesterday in my T's office and I heard myself tell her that I would not have held on had it not been for my child and my therapist.  I do know that place of despair.  I do want to encourage you.  It helps me stay encouraged.  I am encouraged but it is holding on to an ephmeral thread.  I simply have to make that thread grow in strenght day by day and that has come from changing my focus from the dark to the light by looking for the encouraging inspite of the discouraging.

Please keep posting.  Pour out your pain here where people will hear you and offer support and understanding.  I am thinking of you.

[Sela]

Hi Towrite:

Wow!!  Half a mill is a big loss!  That's a lotta cash!  Not easy to let go eh?  Losses have to be grieved, I think.  Maybe that's what you're doing now and if so.....that's good.

And once you get done (which there is no time limit.....no rushing the process either)......I bet you can turn this around!

You can sell more real estate man!  You must have sold a bundle so far?  You can do it again! 
All is not lost.  Maybe the state bar will conclude what you hope for and that would make it easier to sue later?
Anything is possible eh?

The only advice I can give you (from my very limited stash) is that if you want something substantial to happen......you will have to make it happen.

Sorry to say.  That's the way it is for most people, as far as I know.  I'd love to say.....no worries......you'll be fine....keep doing what you're doing.......

....but I know and I bet you know that's a pile of pooey.  Nothing substantial happens without effort.  Nothing worth achieving is easy either eh? 

So go ahead and deal with your losses, release your feelings, let it all out.  That's healthy.

But please hold onto the hope that you are not done yet.  You can and will move past this and rebuild your life, if you decide to.  Anyone as successful as you have been (I assume), can pick up his socks and do it again.   You're not a quitter are you?  You haven't quit yet.

You helped your friend a little at a time and look what a difference you made?  I hope you will do the same for yourself.

(((((((((Towrite)))))))))

Sela

[Gaining Strength]

I'm tired and it's late and I'm about to go to sleep and I thought I would say that I am thinking about you towrite.  I am thinking about you and envisioning a tentative, nervous cliient who is ready to list her house and buy another one and you are just the right agent for her.  That's what I see.  I hope you can begin to envision your clients as well.  There are close, just let your mind reach out and bring them in.  Suspend the desparation for a brief time.  Clients can sense the desparation - it's contagioius.  Just suspend it - you can pick it up later if you want but I bet you won't.  My heart is there lifting you up to get you through a few days.