Anger

[axa]

Having problems posting here today.  Wrote two long replies which were lost so decided to try on a new thread as I would like peoples opinions.

Anger - I was reading about conflict and confrontation and decided that I do not like either.  I avoid confrontation as I believe that people are set in their positions and cannot hear me.  This has been my experience most of my life.

I can get angry but have to be pushed really hard and then I let fly.  Have done this with xn when confrontation/discussion did not work.  I have lost control and hated it because I know this was what he wanted........ I ended up looking like I was crazy.

As i do not confront people I am left with anger.  I am aware of this, not all the time.  I do things like run when I feel angry and this helps but there is such a sense of hurt from the injustice I received from XN.  I want to be in a place where I could not care less, just feel grateful that that piece of trash is out of my life, but the anger emerges.  I DONT WANT IT.  The only person it hurts is me.

Mud wrote that there was no point in trying to confront the likes of an N.  How right that is, but where do I go to get closure.  I have thought of ways to punish him, but how do you punish someone who cares about nodody or nothing.  I want some closure.  As I write this I know the closure has to come from inside me but dont know how to do it.  I do not want to waste my life and my energy on the anger I feel at the injustice I have suffered but feel stuck with it right now.

Confrontation with XN would only be supply to him and I am smart enough to know I do not want to give him this.  So HELP

AXA

[Overcomer]

Ax:  Someone once told me that harboring hatred and bitterness and resentment and anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  So I have tried praying for her, but the dreams?  Full of rage!  I do not know how to get that closure either.

[debkor]

Axa,

Boy do I know what you mean.  How to get rid of anger.  Talk about what made you angry.  We all know the (whole) picture of living with N's and what is done so I will tell you some of the things that made me angry. 

On my birthday once he had a surprise party (which I stated) I did not want. I had plans of my own.  He set up a friend to take me to lunch (which interfered with my plans) but I was too nice to say no thank you anyway but I have other plans. Did not want to hurt her feelings. He used my other friends to help set up (at their cost) supplied very little for the party.
Was embarrassing.  I got nothing I wanted for my birthday and then some taken away.  He talked about me to people at the party (where I was trying to be pleasant) for other peoples sake about how good he was for doing this and I did not appreciate it. I wound up giving my birthday  money *I saved for myself* to the people he borrowed from that night and did not pay back. I ripped him a new ass later on and cried my eyes out.  All my friends seen this and thought shit of him.
He then had to go to my friends house to return somethings the next day with his (freaking wounded ego) only trying to restore his image, when they saw right through him that night with an Announcement thanks for helping with the party, Deb hated it (he knew I didn't give a shit anymore about him) and by the way I have been having an affair for the last few weeks with a girl by my job but she's boring me to death now, so I have plans on another one that I think is drop dead beautiful but it's just sex, means nothing, I really love Deb and she would never ever do the same to me. WTF!! Was I mad, Oh hell ya!  I was not mad at the girls or him with the girls I did not really care.  I was very pissed that he took my friends by proxy to hurt me since he could not longer do it alone. 
OK that was only one of my INSANE  ANGER MOMENTS!!!!!

Another was at Easter time when he came in with a plant. I was so happy. I was touched only to see that he brought my friend one too!  I was very hurt that I was not special (as stupid as it may be) and (expressed that) to be blown off that I was being an asshole, he confirmed I was not special.  I WAS ANGRY THEN TOO!!!

I have plenty more.  I felt better when I broke down all my angers and validated them to be (perfectly normal).

So whats your Anger moments girls. 
Lets get rid of them.

Love
Deb

[isittoolate]

Hi all
I’ve had a couple of experiences with extreme anger and no way to win.

Once was a guy (½ friend—in college) who borrowed $600.00 and signed all the appropriate papers, etc and I trusted he would repay the Money. He didn’t, and even went to the trouble of moving away to evade me. I put it in for collection still livid with anger, and came to the conclusion I would never win, that I was angry with myself for lending the money in the first place and, as time went by, I had cut my losses and moved on.

The other was the N and about the same principle applied, for me. No way I could ‘win’.  I was so angry and wanted to exact some revenge somehow, had terrible thoughts of killing him and other worse things, had nightmares about him. The No Contact works but not immediately; however that, along with TIME, lessened the anger for me (again anger with myself for being conned) and now after almost 5 years away from him (and he lives just a block ½ away from me—we never bump into one another) he is a mere bug that I can squish with my mind. The length of time-2-2½ -3 years before reaching a point of feeling truly free, while keeping busy

Living well is the best revenge
I would receive calls from the Gov’t for him (the partnership business I dissolved) and gave out his phone number as well as asking then to remove any reference re me, as I was 'out'.  I saw ads in the paper for him to rent out rooms---only was to save the expense of moving and be able to pay the rent.  It’s our little local paper and I saw ads for things he treasured but was selling off----- and I was busy working, making $$, as I never did when with him.

Time heals (I made that up for here, as I heard it some place)

Love Izzy

[debkor]

Hey Izzy,

I think I was more mad at myself also for doing something I didn't really want to do (like the party) I should of excused myself and let him hold the bag he set up. That was truly my anger for not saying Oh well too bad, got plans.

I was also mad at myself for not breaking that damn plant over his head.

Now I find lots of humor in these events. 

After the party when he took it upon himself to set my friend up with his (affair talking) when I think back to the look on her face it is very funny.  We laugh our asses off as of today when we speak of it.  She had this look that I cannot explain.  She was trying to make sense out of no sense and her face was hysterical.  I looked at her and said Welcome to my World and be both bust out laughing. Ok Ok, so I got a little revenge.  I'll admit it.  I turned to my friend and said Well of course he keeps looking for new women he has a little D**k and he sucks in bed. Gotta keep searching, don't ya for one who won't care. Right in front of him! OK so I was mean, Oh well. Felt good at the time.

As far as that stupid plant. I tried to nurture that thing (keep it alive) which I really think I was nurturing myself.  Finally my daughter decided she wanted to play (make believe cooking with a pot) she used the leaves as the spaghetti. I was devastated at first which turned into pure laughter after I realized why I was keeping that damn half dead thing alive. . 

I do not refer to my marriage as my (marriage to my first ex) I refer to it as when I lived in Nutsville and we laugh!!! Everyone has related to that saying even if they didn't live there they are all familiar with at least visiting that place one in a life time. Oh ya! ya! I understand what you are saying, I've been to nutsville. (metaphor) Makes it less intense.

Laughter has done so much healing for me.

Love
Deb

[debkor]

OMG, 
I just realized all those times I thought I wasn't getting through to an N.  Didn't matter what I said. I really did. I hit him right in the brain he thought (with) letting him know he didn't have much of one.OMG!! just now I realized that. Cause it sure caused lots of injury to him for quite sometime. 
Thank you Axa for this anger thread. 

But I do feel bad causing that now. That was mean. That is the only thing I am sorry for. I don't like to inflict pain.

Love
Deb

[poetprose]

Anger..... Boy that has been a constant companion for so much of my life

you get to a point though where you say "I'm not going to allow anger to run my life any longer"!!   you just refuse to allow it to destroy you

and with me  it is getting better.... every now and then it rears its ugly head, in very sneaky ways... sometimes i have to stop and think about what i just said or why i said what i said, then think about the attitude or feeling behind it... and sure enough it is almost always a form of some type of anger....

but it does get better ....

[poetprose]

I agree anger can make you sick....  when i think back to when i first was diagnosed with high blood pressure, it was arround the time when i started to stand up to my father in law..............  i was on these pills for almost 8 yrs

but through many life changes of my own, 

1) diet, physical exorsise, spiritual work, emotional and physcological councel  I am no longer on blood pressure pills, although i still* run to sweets, as a form of self abuse ( i just figured that out about myself), so i have to work with that because my cholesterol is so high....

do other people also eat, out of emotional pain? or maybe it is just me lol

[Overcomer]

Oh food is my go to!  It is like I am self sabotaging!  Anger has fueled my hate for so long.  Now I am trying to break the vicious cycle with a lot of prayer!

[Margo]

do other people also eat, out of emotional pain? or maybe it is just me lol

Ummmmm.... vanilla ice cream on a waffle topped with chocolate sauce and nuts...... and salt.  Lot's of salt, lol.  Yes.... on top of the ice cream and nuts, lol. 

As for salty run to food...... potato chips with ketchup and milk.  I sorta grew out of spagettios w/doritos, lol.  Margo

[mudpuppy]

do other people also eat, out of emotional pain?

No, but I sometimes eat out of the box and drink out of the carton.

mud

[teartracks]

Hey Mud,

And I'll probably put my Easter corsage in the closet and my hat in the fridge!

tt

[Hopalong]

Mom's church lady brought her dinner so when I walked in I realized I was FREE
of fixing her meal and making her chat, which is hardest on Friday nights...
so I said cheerfully, well I can see you're taken care of so that's great,
and I'll just not worry about you tonight because I see you're all right,
and began to make my escape upstairs, and she said....ta da....

well, yes.......for now.


ARRRRGGGGGHHHH. I forgot to raise the shields so I coped in my usual
healthy fashion.

I ate an entire bag of Hershey's Kisses and a package of...burrrp...
PURPLE marshmallow Peeps for dinner.

Now I feel, well, bleeaaaahhhh isn't adequate.

burp,
Hops

[Stormchild]

Mom's church lady brought her dinner so when I walked in I realized I was FREE
of fixing her meal and making her chat, which is hardest on Friday nights...
so I said cheerfully, well I can see you're taken care of so that's great,
and I'll just not worry about you tonight because I see you're all right,
and began to make my escape upstairs, and she said....ta da....

well, yes.......for now.


ARRRRGGGGGHHHH. I forgot to raise the shields so I coped in my usual
healthy fashion.

I ate an entire bag of Hershey's Kisses and a package of...burrrp...
PURPLE marshmallow Peeps for dinner.

Now I feel, well, bleeaaaahhhh isn't adequate.

burp,
Hops

Oh, Hops, you're a Purple-Peeps-Whole Eater!

[Hopalong]

CB, hon,
I am so glad you made six more people.

anger is a healthy emotion--it energizes us to make changes in our life--but it's lethal if we don't let it do its work and then let it go

You are a wise and beautiful person.

love
Hops