Overcomer,
You asked if I was dealing with my mother and if she was a N or just annoying. Well, like I said earlier, I, like Hopalong, say that she is Nish rather than N. Am I dealing with her? As best as I can. Her health is terrible, her life is not happy, and I know that the limits I set are something that she does not understand. I feel guilty- but I guess guilt is the price I'm willing to pay.
Most people stay away from her. I still feel some obligation because she is my mother, but thank goodness she has wonderful caregivers who don't "get" her yet. My H says that the reason my mother is able to justify keeping a lid on her behavior somewhat is that she is paying them, so she can afford to be somewhat magnanimous in her behavior to the caregivers.
My stepdad died this past October, and no one thought he would go first. This sounds awful, but a lot of us thought maybe he would have a few good years left after she passed.
What is the hardest thing for me is that I feel so sorry about her life and condition (COPD, heart failure, no sternum, severe arthritis, on oxygen) and that almost no one likes her very well, including me.
Though I know that there are consequences to the choices we make and continue to make, I still wish I could find some way to be around her a little more often since she probably doesn't have a whole lot longer time left. As a matter of fact, this past July she arrested unexpectedly while hospitalized for pneumonia, then was on a vent and in a coma, and the docs weren't sure she would make it.
I guess I my internal boundaries still need shoring up, and maybe that's part of why I did decide to post. I told her that though I would not take care of her myself, I would make sure that she received the caretaking she needed. I wanted to contribute financially, too- but my husband reminded me that she is quite comfortable and can afford whatever she needs.
There were only two times in my life when I felt free- that she was busy and occupied and had a life- when she first was seeing my stepdad, and when she had a project at work (this time period was when I had done a lot of healing after my husband's death).
For the past ten years, it's been all about her, and I guess I felt like she had some legitimate needs since it was about her health. It took me a while to realize that it was just another way for it to BE all about her.
I still feel sorry that her life is s###, and that it's not her health needs but the way she is being the reason people don't come around much.
Well, thanks for listening to this long 2nd installment!
