Hi,
I've been lurking a few days to see if my issues apply to this forum - tonight has been tough emotionally so I'd like some feedback if possible. I don't believe that mother is a Nmom, I'm not sure what label(s) she's earned!
Here's a brief description...
-intrusive into my husband and my lives (asks questions such as "how much money did you pay for the house", "how much is his paycheck", "why do you talk to your friends more than you talk to me", etc...).
-overbearing (buys groceries for us without asking first and then gets angry if I don't come to her house to pick them up, tries to tell me what to do regarding calling lawn care people, cleaning house, etc...).
-jealous of my relationship with my husband, friends. (describes him as dominating and lazy - I think she mainly doesn't like him because he verbally puts her in her place).
-spiteful and negative (says that we will be horrible parents - I'm 8 months pregnant with my first child, says we only care about ourselves and friends because we are moving out of state).
On one hand, she is very giving financially - we NEVER ask for anything from her, she proposes a purchase and then persists until she buys it for us (a riding lawn mower, garage doors, clothes, etc...). As I write this, I see her motives behind the purchases - she is able to force her way actively into our lives.
On the other hand, she is the most negative person that I know. Granted she has reasons: my only sibling died a little over ten years ago, my father and she have been separated since I was 13 (I'm now close to 40), is retired and has no hobbies. She has friends she talks with on the phone but never does anything socially with them. Thankfully, she does have siblings that live near and she does things with them on occasion.
I avoid doing anything/talking with her on the phone because she is so negative and intrusive. I'm sure part of her behavior is due to that I don't want to do things with her - so it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She has been especially difficult lately due to major life changes my husband and I are undertaking (as mentioned, I'm pregnant with her first and only grandchild; AND we will be moving five hours away as soon as I can after the baby is okay to travel).
On Friday, she had a doctor's appointment and is furious that I didn't call her that evening (I had dinner plans that night with a friend and had been on a tiresome field trip with my class so I crashed instead of calling). I did call her the next morning at 10:00 - she was fuming and crying and saying how I didn't love her/care about her and that all I cared about was friends and my husband and how horrible we would be to a baby. Long story short, I told her I don't like to talk to her because she is so negative and doesn't support us emotionally and then hung up. I called her two times today before she answered this evening - still crying and saying she couldn't believe that she had been treated that badly by me and started again on the negative verbal comments towards me, my husband and even her siblings. I told her that I loved her but that I wouldn't talk to her until she was more positive and learned some boundaries and then hung up.
My dilemma: I call her everyday. Should I not call her until I hear from her again or should I continue to call and say hello and once the negative begins then say goodbye?
I appreciate your considering this and giving your thoughts.
Congrats on the new baby. I'll share some things about parenting I found important at the end of this post if you're interested in reading them.
About that mom of yours...... she sounds a lot like my twin sister. No sense of boundaries. No ability to empathize with others. It's always someone else's fault and in my opion...... some distance between you is a WOOOOOOOONDERFULLLLLLLL thing.
I'd call her when I felt like it and end the conversation when she offended me or behaved innapropriately. Maybe she'll learn that she has to at least TRY to curb her bad habits if she wants to have a relationship with you. I don't talk to my sister much these days and sometimes she'll hit a nerve and I just lose my patience in a second and neither of us can get off the phone quickly enough. She doesn't understand why..... she just knows I'm being unfair and that she knows all the secrets of the world that us stupid people can't begin to fathom and she doesn't have the time to begin explaining them to the great unwashed, which is me. Hey...... limit your exposure and use phrases like......."ya know mom.... I like talking to you when you aren't asking me innapropriate questions or accusing me of doing something I haven't done to you so...... if you're going to do that I won't be able to talk to you/see you/ whatever applies. Call me when you can be polite and civil.... I won't listen to the other anymore." That sort of thing. When she get's innapropriate..... remind her that she can't have an audience when she does that and politely walk away, say goodbye whatever you need to do to end contact.
I found some information under Borderline Personality Disorder and sent it to her/my sister a couple years ago. She laughed as I pointed out things she's done that were obviouse symptoms.... ie talking about suicide. She admitted she's done the things BPD people do. She normally turns her behavior around and explains that everyone around her is weak.... we're blind...... we care nothing for anyone else but ourselves....etc etc. She's actually talking about her own behavior, which is ironic but she can't see it.
Change of tone and subject.......
On parenting I'll share a couple of things.... take what you will and leave the rest.
1) Getting baby secure in his/her own bed...... is a good thing. You don't want baby and secondary caretakers up all night screaming bc baby is used to being breast fed to sleep, right? I got baby used to bottle feeding as well so that we had a routine others could follow. Less trauma for baby is better and you don't want your husband sobbing when you're sick and he's doing all the childcare, lol.
2) Get your child used to holding your hand in parking lots and near roads..... even before they're walking. That way..... it's a habit before it becomes an issue and they're in the phase where they're asserting themselves and wanting to do everything on their own. You'll still have to be triple proactive about having your hands on them in unsafe areas but.... it helps if they're cooperating on a regular basis and understand the dangers of being squished by cars that can't see them bc they're so short. Talk about listening for engines and looking for reverse lights even before they understand it. Make a game of being aware. My 6yo won't get out of the car until she has my hand...... even if I asked her to at this point, lol. She KNOWS how dangerouse a parking lot is. If your child runs into the street say.... for a ball...... don't spank her. Figure out where you failed her and be thankful if she's unharmed. Fix the problem, move her play area boundary for instance, and talk to her about it before playtime and during playtime and after playtime. Of course, children require a lot of supervision and if your child does get into the street.... it's time to rethink your supervision habits..... not spank. ::wondering if they know how I feel about spanking by this time::
3) Help your child through transitions by remaining calm steady mom. Keep working towards your goal..... calmly and consitently..... eventually jr will understand that this is the way it's gonna be and soon the new habit is formed...... everything settles down again. Until the next transition, lol.
4) Be consistent with routines and don't start any habits you don't want to continue. Changing a habit is 100 times harder than thoughtfully introducing one everyone will enjoy in the first place, ie.... bedtime ritual that includes walking by crib in low lights, laying baby down in crib and gently touching face for a few minutes while whispering comforing words and leaving while baby is relaxed and sleepy. Keep in mind that running that baby up and down a staircase for an hour every night might seem worthwile for a moments peace in the beginning but..... it's going to get really really old after a while, lol. 15 minutes tops is a good goal, IMO. That transitions to the addition of 10 minutes reading to ritual. Then gum care. Then bathtime, etc. You can tweek and add to it instead of having to start over again. Keep in mind Das Kinder is going to get used used to whatever it is your doing..... so you may as well make it enjoyable for all concerned. And oh ya...... did I mention you should make it reproducable for secondary caretakers, as well?
5) With toddlers and older children...... Know that if you give in, every once in a while, it's like intoducing gambling to Jr. They don't know when you're going to give in, but they know you are, so they push and push all the time till ya do, lol. If your tired and can't stick to your guns on popcorn at bedtime.... just say yes to it instead of saying NO 40 times then giving in. See? Then..... you say No every other time when you have the strength to calmly enforce your words.
6) Discipline, in my opinion, is about gently guiding/training/teaching your child how to handle emotions and learn coping strategies and conflict resolution. How you handle conflict and stress will be how your child handles it. In other words.... if you're running around screaming and swatting at people..... that's how you deal with stress and conflict..... that's what your child learns to do, as well. Quite the parent teacher conference in store for you, in that case. ::nodding::
If you're using your words and instituting logical consequences.... (read that as a consequence that has something to do with teaching them how to make better choices after a mistake) then your child will use those problem solving skills at school and throughout their life. You'll recognize success in your efforts when Jr. quietly says...."use your little voice, mommy" from the backseat in rush hour traffic that has you frazzled.
You're trying to teach your child to do better...... not punish them because you've failed to teach and you don't own any skills yourself. Research. Learn. Read and think about what you want your parenting to look like 5 years down the road. Ask people you admire how they parent. How do they handle discipline and difficult transitions like potty training and getting jr to stay in a toddler bed.... sleep through the night..... give up their binky or leave a playdate. It's your job.... and most people end up doing what their parents did. Not good enough, in most cases.
It never seemed logical to me that a parent would take their small child's favorite bunny binky boo because they refused to clean up their toys...... or..... hit their child because they were throwing a tantrum. How does that teach the child to do better? It doesn't, IMHO. What's the goal here? Punishing or teaching? Question your motives, actions and goals..... always. You'll be adapting your parenting skills as you gain skills and on the job training. You may even find you don't know much at all about parenting..... ::whispering:: babies don't come with instructions. We aren't born knowing how to parent. It's Ok. Learn and be willing to bob and weave with your beliefs.
One more thing..... about shots at the Dr.'s office. I have my 6yo calmly taking shots and hardly grimacing. She knows she's lucky to get good medical care and that it will be over quickly. I was proactive about having that discussion long before we got to that point and I asked other people for advice.... then used it. So glad I did as holding my screaming child down while strangers hurt her was no longer an option for me. I'm trying to get my 4yo into that groove but the last shot session I didn't stick to my guns with the nurse that ordered me to lay my body accoss dd's and hold her down. Darnit.
Keep in mind that Dr and nurse don't always know better and you know more about your child than they do. If you want to see a specialist..... don't leave or stop yapping until you get a referral and don't allow them to do things that you said not to do... ie try to shove tylenol down the child's throat when you haven't been able to do it yourself. If you don't mind being covered in pink and having it run into their tears and cause the doctor to miss an ear infection diagnosis because they think the blood is tylenol and they send you home bc they can't see through it.... then go right ahead and do as they suggest. After all..... that ear will seep blood all night while your child cries and whimpers and you canmake the dx later on yourself. ::shaking head, disgusted:: Right? True story, btw. Stick to your guns.
::End rant.... stepping off soapbox..... going back to working on temp hearing papers for tomorrow::
Margo
